The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok... So Most Know that I lost My Afather to this Disease, going on 2 Years this coming Nov. Well I have been on an up and down roller coaster of emotions, and at times I catch myself "Blocking" those thoughts, because of "My resentments in our Relationship, My regrets of our time together, Feeling abandonment from his death" and the list goes on...
These last couple days most know i have been having "Alone" time and walkin on a trail with me. HP & My Camera, and it has giving me Many things but this morning, it seems "Daddy-O" (What I called him) is here in more ways then one...
The other day about a week ago, My Husband dug out my Palm Corder, that he bought me about 3 years ago, and wanted to use it for Hunting, Well I had NO CLUE how to work it, I only had it out on Christmas, & Easter for 2 years, and "Thought" I knew how to use it well enough to get some stuff on the Mini CD's it used... Well My Husband Found away to plug it into him computer, and "See" there was "Internal Memory" and appartently everything "I" recorded went there..Not on the CD's... :( Well here he found a Video, 6 months before my Dad Died, of him when I took him up to see my Lt. Bro for his b-day... Now Dad wasn't a "Camera" kinda guy, so we don't have many "recent" pics of him so this was kinda like "Gold" in My Mind... So after seeing this, of course it brought back past thoughts, cares, feelings, love, grief, and sent me on a Pity Pot of "I Miss My Daddy-O" and I haven't really had his presents in some time... Pushing it away I feel...
Walking the Trail the other day, yackin to HP & Myself :) I kept feeling a "Presents" but I couldn't identify, it was like I was Hiding something and wouldn't allow myself to Feel it..
Then Last Night, I have this Dream... Were I Feel that Same Presents... And I can See the Figure, in what appeared to be a Suit, (Not many people I'm around were suits I'm a Country Girl ;) )but it is almost like they are standing in front of a Fog Machine, "On a Stage" I could only make out the Figure, nothing more... So I'm struggling to see, and the feelings were not of "fear, or Fright" but more of Comforting, Loving, but because I Can't See... I am Starting to feel Tense, and Upset... Of Course I wake up... :(
Well I Woke up this morning still confused about it, but I was Still Not "Alone"... So i Start work, Day going as Normal as can be.. I take a break and get on here... And start Reading what you all wrote, (Thank You) and as I begin to respond (To My Last Post about being Alone)... The Brick Drops and Cracks me Right in the Noggin...
I was Typing "ALONE" (just like that) When the Song from my Afathers Funeral Comes on... (Turn the Page "Eric Clapton") My Dad & I (when Sitting at the Bar of course), Always played this song... And he said, He Loved the Song, But Never seen himself "Up On A Stage" (Didn't Feel Worthy enough for such a thing)...And My Afathers BIGGEST FEAR... Was That Of Dieing ALONE... (Which He Did)
Well when the Song Started so did the Tears, and a Mountain of Emotions, but My Very 1st thought was that "Figure" in my dream... My Largest Dream was to have My Daddy-O walk me down the isle on his arm, And Thank God Above that in Oct. 2000 He did just that, and I remember going to my reception, and we had a Wedding party table up on a stage in front of everyone, and because my Afather Had to step in as Best Man (Long story) He was too at that Bridal Table, "Up on Stage" In a suit!!!
My Father Sat on the Men's Side of Course, but right after the Toast to my Husband and I... He Leans Back over his Chair and taps me on the shoulder... Like a Child would in School to whisper to his buddy and with a Huge Grin he says... "Looks Like I'm Up on That Stage!!!.. All Because of YOU" And I just Smile & He Says.. "And I Look Pretty Damn Good Too Dont ya Think. (He Loved to Make Me Smile) Right after that the DJ played the Song "Butterfly Kisses" and My Daddy-O and I Had our Father Daughter Dance... One I had LONG Awaited...
So Daddy-O is Still Letting me Know... He's Still up on that Stage, and it all because of Me Cause I have been asking HP Some Pretty Tough Questions here of late, and Knowing that he OK, (Up on the Stage) and I can Still See his Smile From Behind that Wedding Chair... I Am Now Open to the Fact, That he didnt Leave ME... "I" Left him... But now that the Fog has Lifted... I got him Back... Right Up On that Stage...
Thanks For Letting me Share... Hope it wasn't to confusing it is sometimes hard to get inside my own head... But I Guess I don't have to Tell You All That ...now Do I...
Love & Prayers to All Hope you all have a Beautiful Love Filled Weekend...
What a wonderful share. I'm so glad you have opened yourself up to experience again the love your father had for you. You awareness of your inner voice is a great gift. Tears are in my eyes reading your post. Thank you for sharing it.
Just my take, I don't think you left him and he probably knows that.
We get confused. We get lost. We take time to figure things out. We never go anywhere, but just turn in a bit. Fear, anger, sadness - they can cloud us too for a bit so others can't see. But we are still here, just trying to work through it and understand.
As you say, the clouds lift and the sun shines for a bit. Accept the clouds and praise the sun. It is all part of life.
Thanks Jozie, that was a very sweet share.
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate on Friday 6th of August 2010 11:36:03 AM
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
(((Jozie))) Tears are on my cheeks. What a wonderful share. I lost my Mom in March and I hope someday, I will be able to dream of her and my Dad. That was an awesome share. It gives me hope.
That was such a beautiful vision you painted. Grief is a difficult road to navigate and you walked thru it with dignity and compassion. I am so very happy that you had that wonderful dream and awareness.
The memories and the connection with your Dad are so very special and held deep in your heart..
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 6th of August 2010 11:23:09 PM
I'm a believer in that our loved ones are always with us. Energy doesn't die, just these old bodies. What a gift he is giving to you :) And how nice that your awareness allows you his company.
(p.s. Turn The Page was by Bob Seger)
christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy... =) Yea... I Seen that after I posted, must have been an "Eric Clapton" moment ;) Don't even know why I put that... Tryed to fix it by edit, but it told me I wasn't autherized...lol... But Yes... Bob Seger Is the Man :)
Thanks Guys... For takin the time to Share my Journey with me... I am So Blessed by you all ...
Ok... So Most Know that I lost My Afather to this Disease, going on 2 Years this coming Nov. Well I have been on an up and down roller coaster of emotions, and at times I catch myself "Blocking" those thoughts, because of "My resentments in our Relationship, My regrets of our time together, Feeling abandonment from his death" and the list goes on... 
(He Loved to Make Me Smile) Right after that the DJ played the Song "Butterfly Kisses" and My Daddy-O and I Had our Father Daughter Dance... One I had LONG Awaited...
Cause I have been asking HP Some Pretty Tough Questions here of late, and Knowing that he OK, (Up on the Stage) and I can Still See his Smile From Behind that Wedding Chair... I Am Now Open to the Fact, That he didnt Leave ME... "I" Left him... But now that the Fog has Lifted... I got him Back... Right Up On that Stage... 
it is sometimes hard to get inside my own head... But I Guess I don't have to Tell You All That ...now Do I...
