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I married a man that I knew had a history of drug use (pot). Before we were married I asked him if he did that anymore and he said no. NaievlyI thought he was like me, was a partier in the early days, but settled down after having kids. Not true. I realized after my daughters and I moved in with him that he is a chronic pot smoker. I had to go get a job and when our baby was born, he even smoked pot around her. He sees nothing wrong with it. I have left him twice. This time for good. I am so freaking angry right now because he has chosen a drug over his precious daughter and me. I can't stop thinking about ways that I can make him stop. I left because I did not want to live that lifestyle anymore, and I also thought if we were gone he might just see what he is missing out. It didn't work. He doesnt call or come by.I am so disappointed that he just expected me to go along with it and not say a word. I see him wasting his life away. I am moving on with my life and I pray every day for forgiveness of this anger and bitterness in my heart. It is hard. I just don't understand how or why he can't just stop it. I feel worthless that my own husband would choose this crappy lifestyle over us. I can't talk to him because he thinks that it is no big deal, he says I have no right to judge him, he tells me I am a terrible mother, he says I don't know how to handle things. Mainly a lot of verbal and emotional abuse-more lies. He goes to counseling but says that his therapist thinks he should smoke pot. He prioritizes everything over our family, yet before we got married, he acted like he was this great family man. I just need someone to let me know that I am doing the right thing because he makes me feel so guilty for not living there with him and him not being able to see his baby and also his kids not being able to see her. We have a visitation schedule set up, but he never comes to see our baby. Everything is always someone else's fault, especially mine!
In many ways, your situation sounds similar to mine.
Regarding his addiction: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Drug/ alcohol addiction is progressive and comes first, no matter what. It is baffling, cunning, and very powerful. The disease has a life of it's own and takes over and will do whatever it takes to protect its survival.
I, too, was angry and bitter. I prayed to not be that way and to forgive him. One day, by the grace of God, it came. I wish I knew what it was that exactly did the trick- but, I feel so much better inside having forgiven him.
He does not forgive me, as everything to this day is still my fault.
However, he has started to initiate a relationship with our 19 year old daughter. There is hope.
You're in the right place. Keep coming back- the alanon program is about our healing and learning better coping skills.
Yes I could def learn to use some coping skills. I am so tired of feeling this way. How in the world am I going to keep the focus off of him and onto God? It is exhausting! How do I get rid of all the memories in my mind that he said to me about me being such a worthless person? Why did he marry me if he wanted to remain living in a lifestyle that is clearly wrong for raising a family? Yet I still love him and pray for him and wish he would realize. He is just playing manipulative games. It is all about fun and peace. He actually accused me of destroying his peace. He has no peace or he would not use drugs.
It took me a while, but I've come to believe that no one would chose addiction, if they could possibly help it. My exha has made it clear how sorry he is that he has an addiction problem and he wishes he did not. I believe him.
Thinking about it as a disease has been very helpful to me. Not a disease as the flu or cancer, but a different kind of disease that progresses unless the addict is able to keep it at bay. It is the disease that causes the addict to say mean and hurtful things; what it really is - is that the addict is hurting so badly and feeling so much pain inside and it comes out in a horrible way that hurts the closest person. The blame comes because they can't look at themselves, so it is much easier to focus on someone else. I think my exha sometimes believes his own lies when he blames others- he just can't face himself. The manipulation is something the disease does to protect itself; I also think so many times that they're not actively aware of what they're saying or their behavior.
I think my exha married me because he loved me and I would like to think the same is true for you. Underneath the pain, anger, hurt, and manipulation, I think my exha still may love me. I don't think my exha realized he is not material for raising a family; he clearly wanted one, but didn't know how to handle the stress of the change when it came.
When I first came to alanon, I wanted all the answers and I wanted them right away. The same when it comes to healing. The answers and healing come in our own time and by attending alanon meetings, reading and posting on the MIP message board, and with applying and practicing the alanon principles.
Alanon is about us and putting the focus on us. Every time I can pull this off, my life is better. At first, and for a long time, I thought this was selfish, but now I am aware that it is creating a positive balance. Come to the MIP online meetings, face-to-face if you can, read the alanon literature and ask many questions, and give it time. They say to give it at least 6 months before making any major life changes... hindsight being 20/20, I would agree with that.
Hi Kath, you did not do anything wrong. My ex won't stop drinking. He chose to dye slowly with his bottles over having a family life with me. I thought in a similar way as you, I thought after my leaving, he could realize what he lost and he would like to get me back, but, no. He continued his old routine more and less and blamed me for the fact that I could not deal with him, it is my problem that I left him not his. I remembered once in a calm conversation after we broke up, he said "what you expect me to do, I am an addict". Yes, he labels himself as an addict and he is not doing anything about for all his thousands of reasons. Addicts will not change themselves because of their love ones. If they do, then there won't be many addicts left in the world any more.
Kath, they choose their way of how they want to leave their lives, we choose our ways. Staying with them will not make them change into something good, but only drag us (including your daughter) down to deep misery and unhappy life. You did the right thing. I could not imagine how hard your situation is at the moment, but it will pass. Go to alanon meetings, ask help from your family and friends, go to seek some professional counselling. It is better that he does not contact you at the moment, as if he does, he would be most likely manipulating you even further. I don't say addicts are bad people in their heart, but because this dreadful disease, they have distorted views about everything and they so believe those views.
I learned just how strong addiction can be when my AH could not stop or stay stopped, even though his life depended on it. I also learned that addiction is not a personal attack against me, but rather an attack on the addict. Lastly I learned never to make a choice that was aimed at achieving some result for my AH, who I loved very much. This I discovered was called "forcing solutions", which I could not stick to, AND they never worked. It was the last bastion of me giving up my illusion of control.
I hope you will stick around with us, keep sharing, your happiness is definitely possible!
Hi, Kath, and welcome. You are in the right place. In time you will be able to understand and believe that the bad things your husband said were the disease of addiction talking. The disease causes the addict to do whatever he can to take the focus off himself - whether it is blaming someone else, lying, creating drama and chaos, etc. It is much easier to blame others and to be mean and hurtful than it is to admit there is a problem, accept responsibility, and seek treatment. The good news is that you can seek treatment for yourself whether or not your husband chooses to get help - and it is not a one size fits all program. There are those here that choose to stay with addicted spouses, those that choose to leave, those that come here after they have left, etc. Nobody will tell you what the right thing for you is.
Again, you did not cause your husband's addiction. Nothing he says by way of blame or turning the focus from himself onto you is true. You cannot control your husband's addiction. Asking him to stop, begging him to stop, screaming and crying, throwing out drugs or alcohol, logical reasoning, none of it will have any effect. It was a weight off of my shoulders when I finally accepted this part. I went to so many lengths to get my AH to see the light, and all of it only made me exhausted and sicker and did nothing to even slow him down. Last, you cannot cure your husband. It is not your job to get him into treatment, to coordinate his meetings, or anything similar. I also tried those things before I got here, and once again they just made me discouraged, exhausted, and unable to have any time or energy left to devote to anything else in my life. Once you firmly believe that you did not cause, can't control, and can't cure someone else's addiction, I think it leaves you free to focus on yourself and your own recovery. At least, that was true for me.
As far as forgetting the things your husband has said, I know it's hard. The fact that he is an addict may explain why he does what he does and says what he says, but it does not excuse him. In my opinion, addiction is not a free pass to do whatever to whomever. In time, you will learn what boundaries you need to set for yourself. You do not deserve to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse from an addict. When you find yourself replaying old tapes in your head, it is necessary to consciously remind yourself that you are a good person and that your husband is the one with the problem. Part of getting healthy yourself is learning how to do this. It will come with time.
First of all (((((((((((((((((((Welcome))))))))))))))))))))....addicts never evver take responsibility for thier actions while in active addiction and that is a fact.
Do what you need to do for you and your children. Stay strong, get some support....know you are not alone....most of us have been there.
You have found us and are welcomed with open arms....and hearts....
