The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, my name is josee and I am a first day grateful member of this group. I have received so much help already...but wow do i ahve far to go.
I am visiting my AH sister for the first time in 8 years. Long story short...she is 12 years older than I, (I am the last of 7 and adopted) and she and my other sister (13 years older) had a large hand in raising me, as my adoptive mother was an alctive AH who died when I was 15. So...that's who she is. :) and for a long time...she was who I emulated. But we parted ways at her drinking...I could never keep up.
Today, I have a great life...and I was so excited to share all that with her...but I quickly saw this was not going to be a good idea. She now drinks from 7 a.m. to bed time. 8oz milk glasses with wine. The more I dont drink...the angrier she gets...but I just dont want to!
anyways..I am seeing all sorts of things. I am almost 10 years older, and my life is FAR from that hell of growing up. BUT...I had forgotten how MUCH hell...until I saw it in my face again. Now though...things are different. I ahve my own children and my daughter is here with me. Things have to be different.
My sister;s daughter is the same age as mine (she had a surprise late life pregnancy). The HORRENDOUS GUILT that I feel not answering that child's incessant calls on MSN late at night to chat is overwhelming...but I am trying not to give that any of my energy. I rally dont have that much to spare at the moment!
I have been here for 2 days. So far she has tried to pick a fight with me about every hour.
But I dont wnat to play anymore. SO...i came online this morning and found some good people. They told me to put myself first. They reminded me of my RIGHTS: I ahve the RIGHT to my privacy, the RIGHT to speak and walk and act as I wish. I have the RIGHT not to be yelled at. I have rights...but have ignorning them for so long (always keep the peace you know) which is always easier to put myself aside then it is to speakup for myself in a way that is honest but does not incite conflict. When I stick up for myself, I get so afraid of the ramifications (many alcoholics in my family) that it is much easier, we can all agree, to just put ME aside. I won't put up a fight. But...there comes a time when EASIER is no longer BETTER. I am not the person she tells me I am. I'm just not. But I'm a libra for goddsakes...I HATE conflict HEHE :)
Another thing I REALLY have worked on today is not ANNOUNCING myself to everyone all the time. I don't need to get approval to go to the bathroom, tell everyone what I'm doing, report on demand what I am thinking. I am ALOUD to be quiet and listen neutrally without being told my face has no expression and I should"fix it". I just feel like I can;t do anything right with her. Like she hates me as much as she says she loves me. So confusing...wow.
Hmmm...a little rant. But man...it has to stop.
So...let it begin with me. Ahhh...now I get it.
Let it begin with me. Little steps. Like...taking the quiet time I need before reacting to an emotion. Someone told me wait 5-10 minutes. Just feel the feeling...dont do anything about it (HARD!) just feel. THEN see how I am thinkking and what my appropriate response, if any, should be. I am aloud not to respond as well. That can be really hard with my sister and the others in my family. You need to have the RIGHT reaction at teh RIGHT TIME or else...you're wrong. I can;t explain it any better than I am. It's incidiious and makes me feel crazy.
I realize right now I cannot possibly face this and make it make sense without help from others who have experienced this. For many reasons including that i can;t explain it to anyone else...if they havent felt it. It all sounds so crazy.
So thanks for letting me into your group. My share is a little disjointed...but there is so much. and I dont think this forum is a place to start listing HORRIBLE things we all know happens when someone drinks.
ahh... a fellow star child! (Im aries-pisces cusp) So u hate confrontation (haha) so the idea of walking away, getting air, exercise, peace/quiet must be very appealing to you
Focus on you, define what your true needs are (versus ur wants, fantasies). That helped make it clear for me, when something was healthy for me versus what was detrimental. Think about the boundary guidelines and what consequences/actions u are willing to take in setting and following through on them. Then, u have a plan and can freely act and be and then when a boundary gets tripped, u dont have to think, u cna have a plan of action to take (thats how I looked at it). Learning to detach with love from others' issues, feeling, attitudes, whims, judgements, opinions -- it isnt my business or concern. My concern is what is healthy for me and what I need in my life -it isnt personal it is self preservation.
I love the saying, dont rent space for free - when we fixate on other people's junk. I am full time job and I am the one that needs to be handling my own junk. I've found people like being around me so much more now too bc I accept them and their life choices and do not try to change them.
So glad u found us today, hope u keep coming back and working it! You are worth it!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi there rainbojo66, this was an amazing first post to mip, for me anyways you iptomized alcholism and the affects on each indivdual perfectly, reminds me too how cunning and baffling this terrible decease is and how it has hooks with barbs, because for it to function it needs volunteers, but we know better now though don't we? glad you are here, strength in numbers, takecare.
To answer your question about the rope....if the alcoholic has one end of a rope, and we have the other end, and they give it a tug, we would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don't have to play [referring to the alcoholic's game]. What if we dropped the rope? There is no tug-of-war unless both players hang on to the rope.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
