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Well I just went to my first meeting. Wow! Wonderful people! I feel so much better then fighting this alone for 10 months. I think if I work on myself the situation with my boyfrined who i love very much should inprove. Just a question does this also work with players/cheeters? I understand the alcholic part and an willing to work on that. He telephones his ex girlfriends all the time . one he tried to stab. I have dated him 10 months. He hasn"t dated them in over 2 years. He can't get off the phone. He has court dates with all of them from dometic voilence to breaking and entering. It is a pattern. He just checked into outpatient rehab and sober living combo. His ex he views it at a vaction and gets on the phone and hits on everyone in sight. At my house he will try not to get on the phone and turn it off. We lived together for 3 1/2 months of our relationship. How can I make my self better . I keep nagging at him to get off the phone with the girls. He said he is like charlie sheen or tiger woods and any guy would think it is cool. It just sends him back to court. An ex girlfrind has a new boyfrined he to court on harrasment and almost a felony threat charge over emails he sent to his girlfriend that they had two children with. He has to find it with in him self to stop i guess. how do i stop nagging . what can i do to make me better. I get so frustrated with the phone mess. Also porn . and one freind of his had a crush on him. he ran past myhotel to see her before an aa metting. he is susposed to be in rehab on a van to aa meetings and not out in public alone. i called him on it. he said or lied she neeeded a aa metting. lied. wow I hope i can make this ther is so much more he is 38 and an alchoic since 16. I will be 30 days sober tomorrow! He will be 33 days sober ! I lost 15 pounds cutting social drinking with him. I started Atkins protien mostly and a fe carbs. beer is carbs you know. Well I have hope now because of Al anon I have to get my book next meeting. thankyou for listening.
Congratulations on 30 days!!! Keep going, you can do it. Sounds like your health is improving, which will help your outlook as well.
My experience with this is that when I got together with my exA he had story after story after story. 30 - 40 times in jail, a LOT of women, a lot of cheating, a lot of stuff that . . . wow. What the heck was I thinking?
I was thinking . . .
He is being honest with me. HE IS FUN!! Our first date was out of this world! This is going to be awesome! I am different. He has had fun and excitement and if all these women like him, he must be a good catch. And he will change for me.
Add to it some of your story, harrassment, physical violence. Wow. That REALLY scares me.
I have no advice for you, only that it turned out really bad for me. My exA cheated, of course, just like he had in the past. Of course my behavior caused it and it was my fault (saying that with MUCH saracasm). I bought it (huge no no) and we moved on. I got an STD. He chased after another woman. I finally just stopped caring and who knows what he did after that. Oh, I will tell you what he did. He started obsessing over me. Accusing me of cheating all the time, snooping, complaining about any male friend I had - I walked on eggshells all the time and suffered the role of the "cheater" while I gave him freedom to do what he wanted when he wanted.
I saw these red flags on our first date. And like many relationships before, his "bad boy" persona attracted me and I got exactly what I asked for. As I became more unhappy and struggled to keep it together I became someone I never wanted to be. I would lie and hide small things from him out of fear, I would lash out and say nasty things, and basically lived a miserable life for a couple of years. I drank to the point of oblivion and risked my daughter's life more than once. I made my whole family miserable - when I would pull myself out of my isolation and actually talk to them. I ended up in AA and Al-Anon completely beaten down, torn apart, and really didn't care if I lived or died. Not being dramatic here. I went from a successful, happy, outgoing single mom to crying on my hands and knees begging someone to make the pain stop.
Sometimes the answers are right in front of you. You just need to accept them. Al-Anon is a WONDERFUL program and helped me see so much of my behavior that led me to bad relationships. Early sobriety is tough! My exA and I got sober at relatively the same time. Two newcomers in a relationship - even without all the other things you stated above, is a rough one, let me tell you. Take it slow. Focus on YOU and YOUR recovery and stay out of his. Just you. Put the blinders on and put your sobriety and your serenity above all else. That is all you need to do. Walk through the doors, sit down, listen, and do what they tell you. Life will get better.
Please keep coming back,
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Hope Congrats on your 30 days keep it going. As far as your b/f honestly i would be running for the hills right now. As harsh as that may sound that is just what i would do if for nothing else my own saftey. The choice you make in this relationship is yours and no one will judge your decisions. Your b/f seems to have many addictions and problems and yes 12 step programs can help if he is willing. But I would look at your life with him right this moment and ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of you life cause he may not see the cheating etc as a problem. Pray for guidance and HP will lead you in the direction you should go if you listen and act on HP's will. Blessings
Keep at it, if you fall stand up and start again. Get away from any relationship that would but put your sobreity at risk. First love and forgive yourself, this is very important in our recovery. Then you will be able to move on.
I applaud anyone who is seeking help and working toward long term sobriety, but I do not agree with the platitude of 'first love and forgive yourself.' No. First recognize the harm you have done to others. I am not advocating condemnation, rather accountability. I am glad there are an increasing number of resources for people to get help. I just wish as much focus was placed on accountability for the behaviors which are harming others, who cannot always escape, as there is on giving the addict the attention and positive feedback they so often crave.
I understand reducing stigma enables many people to seek the help they need. I get that. But the accountability balance must be maintained. Otherwise we have developed an institutional excuse mechanism which is serving to enable the addict.
One thing my sponsor told me consistently... "if nothing changes, then nothing changes."
My soon exAH did a lot of cheating, too. The cheating sometimes seems to be part of the territory, remembering that the active alcoholic is truly not happy with himself and will consistently look outside for gratification. He will fill his life with booze, women, material possessions, go broke doing it and more, and no existing relationship with someone else will put the behavior to a stop - at least not for long. It's only when the A decides he really wants to change can things start to take a better turn... for him at least. There's no guarantee that a recovering A is going to mean a magical cure to a broken relationship.
Keep the focus on yourself. There really is nothing you can do or say that will create change in your A. None of us are that powerful. If we were, there would be no alcoholics in this world because we'd have obliterated the problem with our powers.
The more you choose to focus on him, the less attention you give yourself, and it's really you who desperately needs the love and attention only you can provide.
I know you wont leave this guy because a bunch of anonymous folks told you maybe he needs to grow alone before he grows with you...but the BEST PREDICTOR OF THE FUTURE IS THE PAST. Good advice I was given.
He will not change for you. Sorry...but lots of folks suffer when they have the terrible disease of "terminal uniqueness" like I have. It's different FOR ME than anyone else. Not true. Save yourself the trouble lol.
Would you change for him?
Would you have to? Cause if so well...you know what I'm gonna say to that too :)
Good luck..."walk the path your feet are on" xo Jo
I'm glad you found MIP and the ESH shared here. Congratulations on 30 days and the changes you already see in your life.
Your introduction reminds me of first meeting my xah, his life was chaotic, his friend's and family's lives were chaotic. For some reason I thought this was a phase, I guess it was so different than my life that I did not consider that anyone would want life to be this way always. And then I was in it, each little thing did not seem like it was so bad and in comparison to others around him, my xah was OK kind of. But and I have to laugh a bit at Rainbojo's term "terminal uniqueness" because I really did think that "we" him and I would be unique, we weren't just another dysfunctional alcoholic, codependant couple
The only way I found of being able to have peace in myself was to work the steps of Alanon and to put into practice taking care of myself first. There is no way of controlling or changing another person's actions. But you can find serenity and peace whether you are with the A or not and whether they are using or not. I hope you continue coming here and get to face 2 face meetings, learn as much as you can about Alanon and taking care of you!
