The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was told to me that I won't be happy until I give myself permission to be happy. Right now I'm busy case building against myself and subsequently why I shouldn't be happy. I've thought about forgiving myself.....how do you do that.....well I had a thought: I have a beautiful, wonderful daughter (as beautiful on the inside as the outside - which is what really makes me love her so much - she's 9). I'm not always the "perfect father" and have at times snapped at her, or done something else I feel bad about later. Somehow she is able to forgive me. I've wondered how she does it so easily and I have a thought. Maybe it's because I've done enough good things for her....love, caring, help, support, attention etc....that she finds that the positive outweight the negatives. Is it possible that if I do enough good things for myself, that these positives will outweigh the negatives, allowing me to let go of the negatives as some kind of aberration not to be worried about?
I know for me my thinking had become distorted, and I had stopped listening I only heard what I wanted to hear, and I was beating myself up, no one else but me, even with all the good will in the world we can't please all of the people all of the time, but It got so bad with me I believed I was responsible for everything and anything, sad but true, people did and do pay me compliments, and in all truth how many people tell us we are horrid, maybe just our alchoholics, funny though how we give their word such weight, I suppose for me I never imagined that someone I married and loved should be like that and say those things, but that was before I really understood what being alcoholic meant, I can't really put my finger on the exact place I started to change, all I know is that it was a pretty crappy place to be, always feeling less than and worthless, so I got busy and now I am getting better, my husband's words don't cut so deep anymore, I don't own them, I don't call him in on them either, I leave it with him, i am getting to know me again, and I am much happier in my own skin, I think your awareness is coming and I am 50 too so don't think it's too late because it never is, depression is a terrible thing, and it's very brave of you to keep putting yourself right our here, big ((((((((((hug's)))))))))) stick with it your worth it !
I will never forget the day I forgave myself. It was such a huge relief and will always be with me.
I may not have always done the "right" thing, or said the right words but I did do the best I could with the tools I had at the time. I'm not perfect by any means, none of us are, but I am what I am, I am me and I am ok with that.
Today I use the tools I have gained in this program and that makes me a different person than I was before I found Al-Anon.
We can sit around and ponder on the shoulda, coulda, woulda's until we drive ourselves insane or we can accept that it is what it is today and tomorrow I can make it different with the tools I gain today.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think the more I take care of myself, and do good things for me, that I'll learn to trust myself and forgive myself. Acceptance of what is wrong in my life is hard, but I'm also aware that I probably magnify the bad and minimize the good. I'll keep working on it...what are my options? Curl up in a ball? Even I can't do that.....one foot in front of the the other I guess.
"You dont have to know how to forgive. All we have to do is be willing to forgive. The Universe will take care of the how." -lousie hay
I have clung to the words of people such as Lousie Hay & Deepak Chopra sincce I was sixteen. That is when I took the Silva Mind Control course (Jose Silva). I knew a lot abouot meditative techniques and a meta-physical mentality -but- I did not know how to love myself, surrender anything at all. I was acutely aware growing up in dysfunction and I wished forever and with all of my soulful and tragic being that things would change.
When I came back to alanon and saw that all of my pain (essentially) was coming from my own sense of right/wrong - my own judgements. But I also was stuck in the behavioral a-isms... trying to avoid myself and neglecting and ignoring myself pretty well (self abuse) for most of my life. I was so constantly irritable and very miserable with my life. I didnt know what self love or self respect was.
I spent my first tow years here, praying for willingness, for the ability to be honest with self and to be more open minded. Thank God, I stuck it out. Thank God that even when I thought God had turned its back on me and I was angry at God (doesnt work for me, the negatvie manifests very quickly, bad arguments or near accidents).
God is always waiting for you, even if you dont believe in it. Electricity works even if I dont understand it.
I prayed a lot and at first I didnt really hear anything. I was being too demanding. I cant tell God how to be. I adadpt or miss out. I ldiscovered that if I wantd to relinquish negative feelings, all I had to do was get to where I was willing to surrender them and then to go throiugh the process and actually surrender them in prayer, saying: 'I willingly and freely surrender this ____ right now, take it from me as I hand it over... right now.'
When I am in a genuine sincere place in prayer - it works, if I only feel it half hearedly, it doesnt work. When I surrender and sincerely ask for help, to opne my eyes or ears or to see a signs and then I have to detach from what I ask for and work and live my program/life. When I let go of the outcome, the outcome turns out much better. HP knows what we need. Our control gets in the way or that. Seeing any one possibiility gets in the way of what HP can do. HP/God is full of unlimited potential possibilities.
Live it odaat, do ur best, forgive often and love, letting it begin with YOU.
I thought it was all too simplistic and was stupid bc it wouldnt work. Well, that was what I knew, lol - a bunch of pain and nothing. Spirit can move mountains. I've seen too many miracles - I know its true. TC of ((YOU)) whatver that looks like!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
