The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, this is clear as mud I think . . . but here goes.
Ok, this is going to seem small and strange, but it was big for me.
I am talking to my daughter, she is telling me things about her friends and going to the fair etc. She is chatting away, I am interested and comment in return. Then her story is over. I continue to talk about related issues and she just tunes out. She started reading her magazine and literally didn't answer or pay any attention.
The light bulb was . . .
In the past I would have just left the conversation and felt weird or off about it. I wouldn't have identified the exact behavior . . . I really, truly just wouldn't have seen what it was she did that didn't work for me. But I saw it. I sat there for a minute and realized why her behavior upset me, what exact behavior upset me, and at that point I have something to discuss with the other person. "Your story finished and then you completely tuned me out."
It was frustrating before. I couldn't say "you did 'x' and it made me feel 'y'" I didn't know what 'x' was. I don't mean this when I am getting screamed at and called bad names....that behavior a 2 year old could identify. But I am talking manipulation and passive aggressive behavior, or in this case kind of rude and bad communication skills. I just don't SEE it most of the time. I could feel it and a lot of time not even identify the feelings. They weren't good. They seemed a mixture of confusion, fear, and anger but I couldn't really put a finger on it.
The wonderful thing is - with the growing ability to identify behaviors it gives me a place to start talking about my feelings. Starting a conversation with "you did 'x' and I feel 'y'" really changes the dynamic completely. And for me, for some strange reason the minute I saw it as a clear cut, indentifiable behavior I wasn't upset (confused, fear, anger) anymore. Let's see if this helps. I am driven by logic. Things have to "make sense". Feelings don't make sense to me so I avoid them. It appears I can apply some of that logic to my feelings and communicate and work through them instead of running from them! If I am upset, something is wrong with me. I have a problem. I can apply logic to this problem and solve it. Who would've thought!!!
The other neat thing is . . . I have done a lot of research, discussions during recovery. Many concepts take some time to click. I was practicing. I was told to use "I" messages so I tried to do that more. I have read books on my passive aggressive behavior and avoidance. I have been trying to get some of these answers and while I was looking I just kept doing what I was told. Then all of a sudden, by doing it, by "fake it until you make it" - I think the act of DOING and learning help really drive the idea home and create change.
I have not talked about it yet with her - I could feel from her that the conversation would not go well at the time. I could tell her response would be defensive before the talk even started. I want to help her communicate better and learn from this and not feel I am attacking her. So, I am going to give my approach some thought before I talk with her. Imagine that! We usually talk well, softly and openly in the car - so I think I will do it on the way to store later. Perhaps its just because I have her trapped.
Anyway, does that sound like a stupid light bulb moment? Is it clear? Seems I didn't explain it well even in my rambling on, but it is hard to grasp, much less explain!
I really LOVE this! First I had to start setting boundaries around completely unacceptable behavior (the stuff the 2 year old can see) and learn to stand my ground and say "no". Now I get to start setting boundaries around the smaller stuff and learn how to navigate and improve my relationships. I also get to indentify my OWN behaviors and hopefully improve them. And by sharing more about how I feel, I will (cross my fingers) get better and listening to how others feel in return. Even if I don't want to hear it. Perhaps I will stand and not run.
WOW WOW WOW This is fun!!!
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I raised my daughter and son from ages 8 and 12. I used to say I worked in my business all day came home took off my pants put on my panties and became Mr. Mom. LOL I wouldn't take a million dollars for those years. But those years were before program. What I would have given to of had the resources this program offers during those years. Thank goodness they both turned out fine in spite of me. Nothing like doing the best you can with what you got.
My favorite slogan is "Don't React" something I wish I had practiced during those years. I could be wrong, but that seems to be the slogan you used consciously or unconsciously and applied in the situation with your daughter as you described. Picking our battles, and picking our times to react in the long run, after thought, will pay its rewards.
WOW WOW WOW........it works in all our affairs. Tlcate only a good Mother would put that much thought into something that others might think as trivial.....that is not.
tlcate, this topic is very very clear to me, and I thank you for holding it up to the light, I had realised for a long time my reactions and communication skills were the reason behind my unhappiness, for along time I just played the blame game and would not accept any part of it, and then I started to change, when I realised it wasn't the persons spoken words that were really hurting me it was my own interpritation of those words and how I applied them to myself that was damaging me, I started to step back, for me how important is it worked, and also being very aware of how I was prouwn to disecting every word ever spoken to me and finding every possible way I could to feel less than, one of my biggest revelations is to do nothing, I have always felt I needed to respond and quickly, now I don't do that, I think how important is it, living with alcholism is mind altering no doubt about that, but getting to know yourself well, and having the courage and the wisdom to know the difference has been my saving grace, and applying this in all my affairs really does work if you work it!
I sorta understand. I had a light bulb moment yesterday about my AHsober (he left five years ago). My son said that his father (my Ahsober) stays up all night playing computer games. He just zones out. When I try to talk to my AHsober about serious, emotional, important to me topics, he literally zones out in front of me. !!!!!. Same behavior as playing computer games - zoning out. Wow, I really gained understanding of his addictions and what happens when he is in front of me. Hmmm, can he control his behavior, ie stop playing computer games? I don't know. Can he stay present when I need to have him hear me? I don't know. Obviously, he reacts to his emotions by zoning out.
I get this, and no, not stupid at all! My communication with my with my 17 year old son has been a challenge for quite some time. While I am beginning to identify my behavior, feelings, and reactions, I am not quite at the point of doing different. Now I find myself thinking about it and then blowing it anyway. So frustrating! However, my son is starting to point out what bothers him in a very calm and poignant way. He has said more than once that I do not listen. Wow! How cool you are figuring it out and even think its fun! We also have our good talking moments in the car, particularly when he is driving. Yes, he really is captive and I take full advantage
Thanks for sharing. More to think about...
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
