The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the sake of honesty and because it's on my mind alot, I feel I should open up and spill my guts on this. I began therapy about two years ago...sex therapy to be exact to address some issues my wife complained about (and although she was part of the problem, I admit were true). I called a male therapist recommended to me...he passed me on to an associate. The associate was female, about 20 years younger than myself and not unattractive...I voiced some concern about this to her but ultimately decided that as long as she knew her stuff, I was adult enough to work with this...well after a few sessions we found that she couldn't accomodate my schedule and passed me on to another female of the same age and very attractive. Again I took the same attitude that I'm here for business and as long as she was good (which she has turned out to be) I'll get what I need and I'm adult enough not to engage in silly fantasies (after all I was still married and trying to make it work). I did voice concern that she was young...and attractive and both made me a little uncomfortable. She was willing to pass me on but again i'm an adult, she could accomodate my hours and I also figured I'd try and if it didn't work out I could always leave. Again imagine talking about sex with a young attractive member of the opposite sex!!!???!!! She turned out to be very sharp, and personality wise was just what I needed....direct, without being harsh....I always do better with someone who will be honest with me than someone who beats around the bush. For the first year and a half I can honestly say that I had no transference issues with her...we were all business. But when I started getting into some core issues, and I got depressed and cried in sessions etc. things changed. I began to really look forward to the sessions (to be accurate, in my last round of therapy with a male, I felt the same way...I'd count the days so I could spill my guts again). We discussed what was going on (I was nervous because I thought I'd be rejected....gee that's an old theme) and I was able to figure out that my transference was not with her personally (at least I dont' think so...I hope not) but because she represented the "unattainable female" for me...you know the one that's got it all: looks, professional, empathetic, bright, kind etc. and conversely the type I always felt inferior to. (and yes, I'm well aware that she probably has plenty of faults, maybe things I couldn't stand.....) Now in many ways she's just what I need to deal with alot of my issues, especially those centered around women...especially the "unattainable ones"....but I find myself questioning myself about why I look forward to the sessions so much....you see if it was a male I'd say, I looked forward to the therapy....but because it's a female....I'm not sure. I dont' think its something else...but not sure. We will talk of all this again...but one thing it's doing is making me want to get out of my marriage because this experience is an "in your face" example of all the things I'm not getting in my marriage (and i know I'm not perfect but I've been pretty good and understanding of her issues and have over the last few years gotten nothing but a kick in the @#!$ for my kindess). It's making me want a better relationship (not with the therapist....I don't even fantasize about that because it won't happen...and she's never been anything but a total professional with me). It's just that I see the possibilities out there...and I'm really struggling with this lately. I know this will continue to be addressed, I've already broached the subject and know there's more work here. I just had to get this off my chest...thanks for listening.
I wonder what may come about if you considered couples counseling.
The thing I recognize in myself is that I often seem to be trying to look over the next hill for something better.
I might tell myself, "what I have right now in my life just just kind of ho-hum. I bet there's something better out there for me." It's like a perpetual "grass is always greener on the other side" sort of mentality.
The thing I've learned in this program is that I have consistently looked outside to find gratification. I've tried to make other people, places and things fill me up so I can feel better, and ultimately, it never really works, or it's only a temporary fix. I move on to the next great thing and eventually, I'll decide it's not meeting my needs any more so I need to just drop it and try the next thing.
Happiness is an inside job. No relationship, no fancy house, no perfect job, no pet, no possession, will ever completely fill me up. Ultimately, it's my relationship with my Higher Power that is really my answer, I've often heard people describe these symptoms as trying to fill this God-shaped hole in their souls. Nothing will fit in that hole perfectly, only their relationship with their Higher Power.
Another thing that has helped me to stop trying to look everywhere else for happiness is to keep a daily gratitude list. When I'm honest about it, I can really start to be grateful for what I have and I start to feel more content with what's going on with me instead of just wishing things were different all the time.
Gratitude didn't help me keep my own marriage with my AH. It came down to self-love and self-preservation that I decided a divorce was necessary. I recognized my AH wasn't going to change at all and that I really couldn't find the right path to be content with him - but lord knows I TRIED. I attended Al-Anon regularly, got a sponsor and have been working the steps, I attended counseling, we both attended counseling, but it just didn't work out in the end. And when I got really serious with myself about the whole situation, I realized our relationship could never work as an intimate husband/wife relationship even if the magical combination of sobriety and spiritual health shined itself upon my AH. There was still the issue of his sexual identity crisis and I simply couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with someone who was sexually interested in both genders.
Regardless that we're now getting divorced, I have made a decision that I really do not want to even consider exploring a new relationship with another man for at least a year. I've recognized that should I jump into another relationship again right now, I'd be doing that same old behavior of trying to fill my God-shaped hole with another man. I really want to learn to find happiness within myself and become a whole person with my HP sitting firmly within in that God-shaped hole. I can be better equipped for a new relationship if I'm perfectly at peace with myself.
It's hard... I have many days where I sit there wishing for some attractive man to come sweep me off my feet. And since we're talking sex here, that is another aspect of being in a relationship that I miss. But, it is what it is. I can wait, because I know this will be better for me emotionally.
Thanks aloha....I agree with everything you say, but I'm not there yet. We've done couples counseling and I found she didnt', or couldn't or wouldn't stick to anything we'd agree on. She also coulnd't stand looking at her issues.....I can't do anything for about 5 years....that'll give me time to work on myself....i wish I had your outlook at that of some other's here...that somehow nothing seems to bother you or you just accept it all. HP is absent in my life....I'm trying to work on it but as one bad thing after another happens, and little by little my dreams and hopes fade away, I just dont' see it. But I don't know what else to do other than post here, try to make meetings...and generally work on myself. While I agree that we have to be healthy to have a relationship with someone else, i still miss it very much and these sessions are driving the stake through my heart...about how much I do miss it. And I don't know if I'll ever be fixed enough to ever have a good relationship.
Seeing the possibilities of a healthy relationship (not with the therapist, but with a partner) sounds healthy to me. The thing is, as I see it, there are two parts to it. We have to be with someone who can interact in a healthy way, but we also have to interact in a healthy way ourselves. And doing that can change the dynamic of any relationship we're in. So maybe the way forward is to concentrate on your own changes and not on the other person just yet? I certainly know that when I've managed to act in a more healthy way, my relationships magically became healthier. Or split up, because they couldn't. But either way, my own actions and changes came first.
