The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never posted anything so personal online before but I am desperate and have nowhere else to turn.
I've been dating this man for about 9 months and before we started dating I had heard he had an issue with drinking. 2 DUI's, relationship issues, etc. By the time we started dating, he assured me that drinking wasn't a problem for him. He said he only drank on weekends. So on our first date he has a drink and then starts explaining to me that since he drank today, he will have more later. I didn't understand why he felt the need to tell me that..but whatever. Then I noticed that everytime I would come over on the weekend, he would drink a small bottle of vodka by himself plus a six pack of beer. He would be very drunk and say hurtful things to me. The next day he would always apologize.
Recently things seem to be taking a nosedive downwards. He drank so much this past weekend that he threw up...and as he was throwing up, he was asking me to pour him more vodka. It was horrible. Also, I would hear him get up in the middle of the night and finish up vodka or first thing in the morning he would do that too. I could hear him quietly unscrewing the cover so as not for me to hear it.
He would be drunk from friday night til sunday morning....binge drinking. He would take breaks in between to sober up to run errands.
Then he said I was enabling him because I would bring vodka over from time to time. I am able to have a drink or two and stop. I enjoy a drink once in a while. So now we are at a crossroads in our relationship. I was supposed to move in with him prior to this weekends binge. I dont know if I should end things or keep going. I love him but he doesnt think he has a problem with it. He blames everyone else but himself and portrays himself as a victim.
Welcome Marjorie. I'm sorry you have to see this side of him, but for your own sake I say: get yourself to a Face to face meeting ASAP (this is only a forum) and give at least the first 3 times a chance (I was pressured to go but thankful I did) as you get to hear different perspectives......
I suggest to get super educated on alcoholism/substance abuse, as I feel like you when I first came here.
"Alcoholics do not take lovers, they take hostages....." is what my AH always tells me.
Like you I enjoy (or at least used to enjoy) a little drink here and there and then stop like nothing. When I experienced this disease (through marriage: 6 years in September) and then children are thrown in the picture, it really is not that fun (at least for myself) anymore.
I even get beef from a "normi" friend from time to time (maybe she's got an alcohol problem herself) if I choose not to drink or if I make sure a friend has a designated driver......but when a loved one just can't stop and you see them self destructing, it's not very pretty.
Luckily I've made truly amazing friends in Al-Anon than I ever would in any bar, but only because there is genuine understanding (which I know I want) and we choose to learn how to cope, rather than escape from it and laugh it off. Or maybe we can laugh it off....but at least we have the tools to cope........
So why didnt you run for your life??? Most of us entering a relationship with an Alcoholic, dont even get to see half that. It doesnt get much better. Especially if he is not in a recovery program.
He is showing you what your future is going to look like, he's not even hiding it, because he cant. He's a hardcore alcoholic who needs someone to help him with his dysfunction and he has chosen you. There is a saying " If you want to see your future, look at today" unless you take the proper action, then your future will be different. That takes one day at a time.
I believe that nothing is ever wasted and you meeting this man could be fortunate in the way that you need to re evaluate yourself and could benefit from Alanon, many of us, me included have been with multiple addicts.Odds are you could chose another one if you decide to not pursue this relationship.
Keep coming back, read the posts, read the experiences of the spouses and family members who have an addict in their life. Wishing you all the best, hope and strength and wisdom.
Luv, Bettina .
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 3rd of August 2010 07:18:31 PM
Please get to a face to face Alanon meeting - more than one, actually. I think you could benefit from that, and it will help you to REALLY see your situation for what it is.
As Bettina said, your boyfriend is a hardcore alcoholic. And, without help, it's only going to get worse. Take it from someone who has been down that road, and is actually still on it even though my AH has been sober for 8 months.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation - I can truly relate. It's so hard watching someone you love literally kill themselves, and you're powerless to do anything about it.
Please keep coming back to this forum, and try to get to some face 2 face meetings. I really wish the best for you.
Hello and welcome , I never met an alcoholic still drinking who admitted he might have a problem - it really dosent matter howmuch or how often he drinks what matters is how it effects you when he does . Please find a Al-Anon meeting for yourself before making any life altering decissions * like moving in with him * stay for a few months and see how u feel then . this is a progressive disease it dosent get better only gets worse as alcoholics themselves say it can be arrested never cured ,blaming others is typical and unfortunatley your going to get most of it be reasured that your not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop regardless of what he says.You are not the reason this is happening he drinks because he has a problem period. until the alcoholic is made responsible for his own behavior nothing will ever change ,we lie for them , we cover up thier mistakes , we believe the lies they tell us ,we bail them out of trouble ,we pay thier bills until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing is going to change ,nothing changes til someone changes ..we also have on l ine meetings in the chat room on this site 9am and pm eastern time tht will give u some idea of what goes on in a meeting f2f will help u alot until u find a meeting in your area. Louise
I know in al anon that they say not to advise but to share our own experiences... well my husband and i have been together for 9 years and we have three children together. He has taken over our lives with this disease is sooo many ways. The struggle of car accidents, tickets, finances, and the harsh words from him has stripped me of happiness and self worth. Loving an alchoholic is to much for most people and honestly there are days I wish I didnt. I dont get the love back from him, his great love is alchohol and I get in the way of that. He has pushed me so far out of his life, I dont seem to exist anymore. I wish i would have seen or recongnized the signs when we met ( before kids ) but i knew nothing about the disease or how often he drank. He just came home from a six week rehab facility and is already drinking and lieing. It is incredible lonely but through al anon i am trying to regain myself again. Take care of you first and foremost and remember that it isnt your job to save anyone, save yourself!
Many of us have seen so much we forget there are people who meet someone who is A and nevere experienced this before.
I was one of those. I think back and realize now I had no comprehension that those people were sick. But we were kids.
I fell in love with my ex AH when we were teens and over forty years, saw the disease in front of my face, did not know anything until I came to MIP.
So my education is pure Al Anon. No disease in my family, or friends. Just was never a part of my life.
I read your wonderful, honest share, and saw possibly someone who never faced this before.
We look at things and learn. You have been doing that. You did not ignore anything, you took it in, thought of questions, and now looking for answers. good for you!!!
If you ran away, what would you learn? I am so glad you stopped before you moved in with this person. His disease is so very bad, he is very sick. You saw a person you liked, but sadly the disease is very, very in control.
It will drag you in and make you sick too. He is not his disease anymore than a person with cancer is the cancer. However, do you honestly believe you want to live with someone, no matter how nice they really are, have a horrible disease like this?
I invite you to read about addiction, read everyones stories here, they will all be about the same, as the symptoms are symptoms of an incurable illness.
It is genetic, some have more markers than others, they have more of a struggle, but the symptoms are the same.
Myself mm, I did my best to hang in, make sure he was truly gone. But we were married, I loved him since i met him.
We have a son I of course never regret that.
I know my life would have probably been so so so so so much easier, happier, more healthy if we had not met.
BUT again I do not regret it , and love my son and daughter.
You can do NOTHING to help him, nothing. Now is the time to think of YOU and all those around you who will be affected by this disease if the relationship cont.
Maxsmom, run don't walk to the door that leads out of this relationship. To get further involved with this man will only bring you pain; pain so deep that it is difficult to imagine until you experience it. Going to AlAnon meetings is a good idea so that you will come to understand, but you must not think that doing so will make him better. AlAnon teaches us, the ones who love an alcoholic, how to cope and attain our serenity in the face of it all. Please don't allow this to progress to the point of driving youthrough the pits of hell.
It is not in the tradition of AlAnon to offer advice, but for someone like yourself who is teetering on the abyss, I believe to encourage you in any way would wear upon my conscience.
Fly away, go free, and hurry.
With sincere good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When my bf and I started dating we saw eachother on weekends and was always drinking. I didn't know about alcoholism until later after we moved in together. It was a rough road. I thought he only drank on weekends but found out he drank every day.
Honestly, if I knew then what I know now I would have ran and never looked back. Noone can tell you what you should do but f2f meetings are a great start in my opinion.
I've learned a lot in those meetings and from this forum.
Maxsmom...Honestly I can't remember reading another members post before and then feeling that kick in the gut I just got from reading yours. Then too to be more honest I just got thru writing another letter to the editor of our local newspaper about a gal who was killed in a DUI where the survivor was the drunk that this was his 3rd multiple event and they had one in Florida where 4 related men were killed and left widows and children and the survivor was on his 7th event. I'm feeling fearful and fearful for you. I remember feeling fearful for myself once before I got into Al-Anon and heard the wisdom members like Abbyal shared with you. I want to tell you that I thought I loved my alcoholic and then found out I hated the disease even more.
I suggest you scroll back on the prior post and read, read, read with an open mind and ask yourself "is the really the best I can do for myself?".
Thinking of getting into a relationship with a practicing alcoholic? Spend 90 days inside of our face to face meetings first and read as much literature as you can before you make that decision and then don't make the decision alone...make it after talking with your best Al-Anon buddy.
This is a fatal disease and it is often times fatal to the one that doesn't drink as much or at all. Re-read your post as if you were someone else and then see how you feel about it. I highly suggest that. If you try to fix this alcoholic there will be no one there to fix you at the same time.
I haven't felt this reactive in a long time...guess this was the time to come.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 32+ years. I just wanted to tell you that they have been pretty rough years. Good times scattered amongst them, but tough. It leaves you with emotional scars that are tough to work through. I have a dog on Prozac for anxiety. Everyone and everything gets affected when living amongst the walls of addiction. If I could do it over again...that is a tough question. I have two wonderful adult children and 4 grandchildren whom I am so proud of. But that is pretty much the only good things from this relationship. If I was in your shoes knowing what I know now.... I'd run and never look back. Once you get sucked in, you're in. The first true love of an alcoholic is their bottle. It takes priority over everything in their lives. You will be second at best. Get to a f2f meeting and listen, listen, listen. I hope for the best for you. Take what you like and leave the rest. In recovery.
Like most everyone else, if I had known what I know now, I would have walked out the door and not have taken another look back. When you live with an addict, if you don't get help, you yourself become addicted to them. I have been with my AH for 23 years now. I see a counselor regularly but have not attended al-anon F2F. There is so much to learn from being married to an alcoholic. I was at my breaking point. My spirit was broken but I am slowly climbing my way back to 'me'. It is a long journey but I know I will get there. Take care of yourself.
I've read all your posts and appreciate it very much. I am so sad because I thought that if I loved him enough, he would change. Truth of the matter is that he doesnt think he has a problem. I just cant get the visual out of my head of him being so so drunk this past saturday night and hiccuping and throwing up and asking me for more alcohol. Him passing out every weekend night. The smell of him while he slept, of vodka coming out thru his pores. I am realizing I cannot help him and I'm feeling that I should be grateful that I found this out now than before I moved in.
Hi Maxsmom, so glad you found us and thank you for you heart felt post. I dont have much to add to all of the wisdom you have heard here other than this is a preview of what your life would like like being with this man. Being a progressive disease it will also get worse. If you are even entertaining the thought that you can help him I would like to add then that is where denial on our part comes in..DENIAL..dont even no I am lying :) I would suggest reading thru as many posts as you can on these boards, they are excellent reminders and we dont know what the future brings but there are many previews as to what you can expect in this relationship...ty and pls keep coming back :)
All I can add is I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. And remember your higher power will be there with you through it. The face to face meetings help and if you listen, you might hear just what you need to :) Take care of you!
Welome to MIP You have already seen where this relationship is going. Can't tell you what to do but ask yourself some questions? Is this the life you want for yourself? Knowing this disease is progressive and gets worse are you ready for that? By your name i am wondering if you have a child If so is this person whom you would choose to be a role model for your child? Are you willing to never ever come first in your b/f's life...alchohol will always come first No exceptions !!! Are you willing to live with someone who is emotionally unavailable and unable to meet your needs? Just a few of the questions you really need to look at before going further into the relationship I wish you well Blessings
Wow . . . I think you have most of us going . Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because I think each of us has been right where you are and if we had only known then what we know now . . . As Diva said, you are right on the abyss.
I have been where he was - over the porcelain bowl - many times and waking up and drinking to feel better. Bla. Now I will say that I am a little different than most that walk through the doors of AA in that I did it to save my relationship (hello Al-Anon). I was told by my exA that I was the sole problem in the relationship and I needed to fix it. I was willing to jump through any hoops to make that happen, started counseling, went to Al-Anon and AA. But I stayed for me. I stayed to save myself. I stayed because I was a mess and needed it! And that is the truth for almost all alcoholics. Most of them won't get sober until they hit their bottom and truly want to stop for THEM. They won't be done until they are done and many sacrifice and destroy everything and everyone in their lives and blame everyone else for that destruction. Just what it is. Not ALL are like that, but most.
When I was in the throws of drinking those around me suffered horribly. Everyone. I should not have been in a relationship and I would blame no one for running the other direction. I tried to run the other direction from myself - through more booze.
The interesting aspect is I was also involved with an A. He was sober, in recovery off and on for 16 years. I had no idea what alcoholism was really about - and I got a crash course - from inside and outside. Being in a relationship with an active A (and some recovering As) is a challenge - so much more so than any other relationship. There is pain unlike anything I have ever known. The emotional abuse, vulgar behavior, infidelity, lies, blame . . . and he was in recovery! I never knew what each day would bring as the mood swings were intense. I walked on eggshells and did everything I could to try to keep it intact - keep it together - keep him in my life, keep him happy. I found I did nice things for him just to make him in a good mood - not because I WANTED to do it for him. I still haven't figured out why - I was supporting and trying to maintain this relationship that was causing me so much pain - based on a fantasy relationship that I had never experienced with him in the first place. I was basing it on promises from him, stories of past wonderful behavior that I had never experienced and still haven't to this day. I was basing it on his potential, not reality.
They are children of God and deserve love and support just like any other human. But at what cost to myself? There is love and support for them out there from people who understand and they can find it, but it can't be me. They can fix their problems, I am in the process of fixing mine, but those problems are theirs to fix . . . not mine! I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I sure as heck can't cure their alcoholism. I can't sacrifice myself to fix someone else's problems. That is why I am in Al-Anon. Because for some reason I thought that was my job. For some reason I felt it was OK to get into a relationship with someone who could possibly, maybe, someday be the person I wanted them to be if I worked hard enough at it. Ummmm, hello .
I am so so so very glad you found us. Having to reach a decision is very stressful and causes pain. You can come here, go to meetings, read literature - gain some insight and serenity around this - no quick decisions - and when you know the answer you will know it with certainty. You will know what is right for you.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It's O.K. to feel sad, but know the disease is in control and you have no control over the disease. You need to take care of yourself first. Get to some f2f meetings as soon as you can, you need to be around others who will understand you as perhaps no one else can.
Nothing is wrong with you, you have only been effected by this crazy, sickening disease. Put the focus on yourself. When I started attending f2f meetings and working my program I was amazed at how my life changed for the better. I put my alcoholic in my HP's hands, got out of his way, and started taking care of myself.
It takes time, but there is no better time to start than today....one day at a time.
I know from experience that they always find a reason to be angry. If not this, it would be something else. They get angry about the sunshine or the grass being green.
I remember the feeling, that all consuming sadness and pain. I am so glad you found us and truly hope that you take advantage of the online meetings, local meetings, and/or literature available. It really saved me. Working the steps and integrating them into my life as changed every facet of my life and my level of happiness. I needed a distraction and something to work on, and I was so lucky that this is what it was! ME!!! I got to take that pain and use it to dig into "why" . . . first it was all "Why did he . . . " then it turned into "Why did I . . . " and that is where the answers were. I never found any answers to why he did anything. But why I chose to enter the relationship with the red flags were waiving high on the first date, why I chose to stay after things got bad, and why it destroyed me when he left. I am still working on those answers, but they let me own my part. They are helping me learn how to love myself, what a healthy relationship looks like, and to forgive him, have compassion, but not let his treatment of me be accepted as something that makes me unworthy or unlovable. They are his actions and have no reflection on me as a person. If I choose to accept them, then it becomes my issue.
There was something wrong with me. None of us are perfect. I was addicted to him and had a lot of work to do on myself. Using that time when I felt incompacitated - overwhelmed - and consumed by pain and didn't know a way out to find those answers was perfect timing. I actually look back now - and as crazy as it sounds - I am glad it all happened. I wouldn't be where I am today.
I am so sorry you are hurting . . . I remember it clearly - like a ghost limb. I wish I could give you a hug and take you out for coffee. It does get better, I promise. And with the right tools, it can get a LOT better.
Please stay with us. We understand and are here to help you through it.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
You are right. He is an addiction for me. He has turned this whole thing around and made me the bad guy. I should have left a long time ago but I was so in love with him...
I dont regret telling his mother at all. I wish he wasnt mad at me but I dont feel bad about telling her.
God I gotta be grateful for you coming here to add another touch of "reality" to what I use to deny and then continue accepting and then finding Al-Anon and this miraculous fellowship and getting my life back.
One of the things I learned was to be able to tell the difference between my wife and my alcoholic and there is a huge difference. My wife had the ability to love in return and my alcoholic didn't let love interfere with her drinking. I've done that speak to her mother and have her mother call me in return..."save her, save her, save her" and none of us could or would and she would only get sober when she had enough and was willing to go get help more than willing to go get drunk. That day came but none of us ever knew when it would including my alcoholic and my wife and in the mean time we learned how not to put our own lives on hold and to get on with it while we hoped, prayed and wished the alcoholic would return to being the woman, daughter, wife, employee etc without the alcohol(ic)(ism) in place. When she finally quit drinking and got sober we had already started getting better and had no compulsion to fix her anymore. She had done the work herself with her program and her Higher Power and we we glad for it/her.
When I finally learned and accepted I was powerless?...I let go absolutely and put her in God's in box. God did a marvelous job with something I just tinkered with and ended up making worse. If you don't know how to do a thing...Don't try it. Do something better and trust God (steps 1-3) Clean my own house (steps 4-11) and then...Help others (step 12).
Maxsmom you are right in the middle of the gift which can either turn into a miracle for you or a monster. I believe that the reason this fellowship has rallied around you is because you have opened our boxes of memories of what it was like, what happened after and what it is like for us today. We are hopeful for you...cheering for you...unconditionally love you and already know your future depending on your decisions. We get to watch and we get to hope while we aready have the experience. You are family. Stick around and recover with us. (((((hugs)))))
PS...they already have made the movie about your situation and you can get it from the library, online most movie rentals. It is called "When love is not enough".
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 4th of August 2010 02:25:31 PM
Thank you so much! What I find funny is that my boyfriend is much more loving and demonstrative when he is drunk than when he is sober. When he is sober is is less affectionate. So part of me will miss that part of him.
Also I have heard the term "dry drunk". That's how he acts Monday thru Friday when he isnt drinking, then friday night to sunday afternoon is actively drinking and then sunday night the dry drunk comes out again.
My mom was a dry drunk while I was growing up and she didnt start actively drinking til I was about 15.
I so feel for you and what you are going through. It is heart wrenching to love someone in that state of mind and not be appreciated.
After reading your post and being a newbie myself, this site has opened my eyes to alot of "love" and "understanding" in so many ways from others here.
Although, as I have continued attending the f2f meetings, this site has also been a Blessing. I am not to offer much advice to others, as I feel I am also needing of advice, but I can say this much.....you are not crazy and definitely not alone in this.
I feel for you I've been living with an alcholic for 21 years married 5 of it mine recognizes he's an alcholic but has no desire to quit he's even been in an accident, killed someone and spent 3 1/2 years in prison. now I'm so alone even though he's here he's not
. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because I think each of us has been right where you are and if we had only known then what we know now . . . As Diva said, you are right on the abyss.
in the relationship and I needed to fix it. I was willing to jump through any hoops to make that happen, started counseling, went to Al-Anon and AA. But I stayed for me. I stayed to save myself. I stayed because I was a mess and needed it! And that is the truth for almost all alcoholics. Most of them won't get sober until they hit their bottom and truly want to stop for THEM. They won't be done until they are done and many sacrifice and destroy everything and everyone in their lives and blame everyone else for that destruction. Just what it is. Not ALL are like that, but most.
