Dear Jozie

Thanks for your honest and insightful share.  It is clear that you are working your program and seeing your part in situations  that could be changed in a positive fashion.  

Remember the 3 As  Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  It sounds as if you have had the awareness and are working on acceptance. 

I found that  Acceptance was hard and painful because we are asked to sit and feel the situation before moving on to the action. 

Good for you for sharing  and for  your program and using the tools. 

As for the fear I do believe there is a difference between projecting and planning.  I did hear a little projecting of "what might/will happen when your son grows up and leaves'  I heard fear of feeling.   I identify .  Planning that the event will happen and when the time arrives you will have grown to the point that you will have healthy responses is wise.   With program and all your self help books you will do fine

  Just trust he process you are doing great!!!

Great Post Jozie and super great responses from the Ladies.  All angels are
female to me so therefore I'm not exclusive on my understanding of my HP.
I'm gushing huh?

13 year old male?...been there done that and did it badly.  There isn't enough
money in the world that would entice me to try that again.  How'd my Mom do
thru it, considering there were two other males plus an alcoholic step-father? I
came to realize in this program that she was completely powerless and at often
times apalled at what became of us thru our own sick, crazy thoughts and
behaviors.  How'd she handle it with a HP...I don't know but she didn't go fully
insane...all of the time.

13 year old males?...been there done that as an adolescent behaviorist counselor.
Had just as much power and control over them as anyone else...little other
than my own personal experiences which were the jewels in our relationships.
I knew and I knew that I knew what it was like.  "Never forget how it was for
you when you were that age" I use to counsel my parents, "because only the
names and faces change and if you can remember what it was like for you then
you can tell them what it is like now."   Your experiences from back then are
gold and an anchor post that they can return to for understanding when things
get crazy or just fuzzy for them.  Still at 13 they start to turn more to their
peer group members for security and communications.  They get more info
out of the house than in the house and peer relationship become more value
able that familial relationships and how do we handle that.  My mom totally
detached from what I was doing and how except to make rational request of
me from time to time that might save my life or the life of another.  (At 13
I was graduating into full fellowship in alcoholism.  It had become a primary
focus in my life...Mom would never come close to competing with it...she
never had with here father, sister, husbands and then her sons.  I would
have loved that she had found the Al-Anon fellowship just for her and maybe
I would have gotten something sooner.  (If onlys are just unfulfilled dreams)
I put my Mom thru hell everytime I visited it myself and while she would wish
for something different the reality for me was the consequences of my own
thoughts and actions (mostly actions because I didn't believe my brain had
an on switch or was used for anything other than weight to keep my head
from falling off).  I had no life until I got to Al-Anon and no brain function
until about 2 years later.  And here I would be taught by women other than
my mother who could tell me what I had done and why and where I had been
because of it and they did that by telling me their own stories.

I believe our children need to hear our own stories without fear of judgement
of ourselves or them.  I have learned that telling them "I understand" after
they tell me what is going on with them and then telling my story, that they
won't feel lost, lonely, out-of-place, and afraid.  You came thru it..they can
also.  Al-Ateen exists and works because a teenager years ago wanted what
his mother was getting from inside the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups.
Thank God!!

This is long because (I usually am...LOL) and because of gratitude and
experience.  I will forever stand in awe and appreciation and gratitude that
at the age of 37 my HP led me to the doors of Al-Anon and the women of
this program so that I could learn to be reparented and get my life back for
which I was responsible.   Give your ESH back to your sons from time to
time while at the same time releasing your grip.

In support (((((hug)))))

I hear you on growing up too fast... SIGH!