The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That phrase was a Freudian slip, that my therapist swears I uttered one day (I didn't remember saying it but have no reason to doubt her....even if she were to be wrong...it's a true statement). That is what I do....I focus on the negative stuff and don't give myself a chance to be happy......I even had trouble at first listing things that make me happy! I just never spent much time on it. Now I'm going to try to list those things: 1. Playing guitar 2. Reading a good book (especially outside in my yard with my dog). 3. Spending some time with my daughter. 4. Old fashion stuff: Towns, music, cars, movies......wouldn't mind being a village historian some day....definately something I'd find interesting. 5. Cooking....
I am going to try to do at least some of these things today.
Gratitude lists, whether kept in our heads or on paper, work! I, too, had so much trouble at first because I had conditioned my mind to focus on what was not right in my life. I began the list of things I was thankful for by being very mindful of what I was thinking. For every negative thought, I'd come up with a positive one. Sorta drove myself nuts at first - I felt a little OCD: okay, I'd tell myself, now that was a negative thought, you must come up with a positive. But over time, and I don't know how long this took, I found myself automatically coming up with things I'm so grateful for.
What we focus on governs our choices. What we focus on expands. That is what I've become aware of. I think I was sleep walking most of my life. I began to awaken around your age (50). If I were able to go back to being 25, I would haven't to think about it - I'd say no thanks!
Good job mj! It's nice to see your progress. Your post brought a smile. It broke open when I read how you like to read outdoors with your dog. Those moments are priceless. Enjoy!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I believd that I had to continue o focus on all the negative in my life so I did not forget it and that would prevent it from happening in the future!!! Alanon taugh t me different I was told to work the steps, let go of my anger and resentments, find MY PART in the Mess and then LEARN the Lesson of the experience and move on.
Holding resentments hurts me and destroyed any chance of happiness in the moment or the day. I was living in the past and future and never the present moment. With that lesson learned by doing the steps I did not have to protect myself from repeating the mistake, I knew a different way to respond and I was changed.
I focused on the negative I think as a control mechanism and just because it was such a habit to look for that in life instead of good things. Even in something I enjoyed I would find the yuck part, slobbery ball when playing with the dog, made a mistake cooking even when it turned out better than it would have before etc
At some point, like you, I made a point of finding something everyday to find gratitude and pleasure in. Like waking up to a nice day, a mom and child walking by my porch completely into each other, a flower in my garden (not the 5 my dark thumb had managed to kill), just any little thing. It's become a habit as much as finding the negative had been. And on days when I can find multiple little things to make me smile and be grateful for I am still so proud of myself.
You are taking care of yourself by looking for those little things that make you grateful and serene. Keep on working it!
We have to find a way to play new recordings in our mind, We can retrain it.
I did and it works. Negativity runs in families, we have to smash those old recordings and concepts we have been told over and over that remain with us to Yes, I can do this. Sounds like a good place to start.
It seems like you are on the right path. I believe that realizing truths about ourselves and accept them is necessarily in order to change our ways. Writing down lists or even long paragraphs of what is on my mind has helped me much. I find it easier to see patterns of negativity in my own head if I read my own thoughts instead of searching my own head for solutions.
I try to write three lists every night. Fears list, gratitude list and did well list, in that order. If I write more, I sometimes find it useful to look at the things that get me down. If it comes from other peoples behaviour, there is nothing I can do about the cause. I have to work on acceptance. If it comes from the past or future worries, I know that Im not living in the moment. To live in the moment and to ask our HP for the serenity to accept the things we can not change seems like simple guidelines in Al-Anon. I have only been in Al-Anon a bit more than three months, but I know that it is not simple. There are no shortcuts and I cant deal with all of it at once. Still, a little by little I can feel the change. I just have to remember that we seek progress and not perfection.
Keep up the good work. You deserve to get better.
Best wishes
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Great thought! What you focus on, grows. When I began to focus on being grateful for even the smallest, mundane thing (water, breathing, existence itself (bc I survived suicide attempts) well, it seemed that practically by the minute I was feeling happier. Getting into now and feeling and experiencing the moments I was living, truly as they were happening, has brought me a lot of personal awareness, closeness with HP and simply put - peace of mind.
I found that a lot of what I was previously annoyed about -was junk associated with "my ego" and as I step back from that and give less energy to things I cannot control anyway - I found I was much less annoyed, stressed out & anxious.
Enjoy what you have and can right now in this moment ~ bc now is reality and you get no guarantees in life, so why waste it?
Anyone can be happy and stress free when things are going well. Practising and learning how to do this in times of crisis and strife - that is where I want to be good at implementing my own inner strength and peace... so that I may be calm enough to think clearly and handle the pot holes in life that I am bound to get tripped up in.
Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 4th of August 2010 08:13:19 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Alanon taugh t me different I was told to work the steps, let go of my anger and resentments, find MY PART in the Mess and then LEARN the Lesson of the experience and move on.