I too used to fall for the my picker is off -but- that isnt it IMHO and the it's a crap shoot out there, I also dont buy.  I think it all comes back to us and how we teach others how to treat us.

A new idea is scary - period.  Keep your wits about you, watch with your eyes -ands- dont project about the other person - at all.
   I'll tell ya some of what I did with this last relationship -bc- I was bound and determined to be totally different - to keep health as my goal and if a guy I was dating turned into a friend - then the friendship would always have to come first over the romantic aspect of the relationship.
   And we did break it off a few times - hung out as friends and then kept getting back together.  All the while we stayed friends.

I think it has more to do with being present in the now and exercising healthy boundaries in the relationship as you go. 

However, the other thing I did that was totally and completely different with him, was I never ever suggested anything to him, I never called him (unless it was returning a call).  It may sound strange or like a game -but- after having been so forward, aggressive & available to men - they might not have even been there.  I was willing and convenient.  Why not, it migh tfun - you know?  Well, I didnt want anymore of that.  I wanted to be sure to know that the man really and truly wanted to talk to me, see me & go out/hang out. 

I tried HARD to mind my own business and not ask him too much about the future (for example) if he brought it up, then I had the opportunity to have that conversation and ask a few questions. 

I exercised tons of boundaries -and that is what really saved me there.  Bc if it walked like a duck or sounded like a duck - I will take your word for it that I can see you want to be seen as a duck.  Im not going to give you the chance to lie to me about it - I can see it.  But part of seeing clearly and honestly -is- loving you first, honoring and respecting the inner child and HP inside of you.  You are so lovable and loving, why then do you not see that you deserve your own best love out there.  You say you are so lonely but are filled out the gills with animals - unconditional love angel-magnets, thats what they are! 

Do me a favor (or try it and prove me wrong) why not love you, like your own favorite best friend that you havent seen for the longest of times and that you want nothing more then to get to know the new you and see what has changed.  Greet you where you are, and know that YOU are love - acknowledge and recognize this by surrendering into it.  Love you as your own first priortiy - excercise your boundaries, so when u feel uncomfortalbe, u move on and keep practising detachment.  Focus on and manifest your own best self and honor the higher spirit within. 

ok, that got a lil long -but- I did this and after practising loving me at the tiniest iota of an incriment - something changed instantly inside me.  I no longer am tolerant of abuse from myself and if my thoughts are negative, I redirect them and neutralize it or make it positive if I can.  Focus on loving you and take one day at a time with dating.

Ive read up a lot on dating when I was doing that a few yrs ago.  It is a time when you are enjoying meeting someone and to see if you want to get to know them better.  Then when you date, it is to develop a freindship to see if you want more with this person.

You ought to have expectations and boundaries in place.  I read that it is inapropriate to talk about moving in with someone the first year of dating.  Some people have a rule of how many dates (or some kind of other marker like, trust)  before sex enters into it. 

I did date online and I did talk to people (instant messange and e-mail) for a while before I would move on to wanting to talk to them over the phone.    Then I would develop a conenction from there.  Always if things seemed too leading or inapropriate, that gave me a solid answer.  Stay detached and not focused on the men.  I read that men want to chase, so I worked so hard not to ever think about my b/f when we were not together.  I would try to re-direct myself and stay busy focusing on what I wanted to do and my program and other interests.  
   Because before alanon, id obsessively think about my boyfriends and what they were doing, feeling and what was going on in thier lives, never minding and loving my own.  

Stay focused on you and your interesting self.  I wanted someone dynamic and open minded, fun.  Well, if I wanted to attract that, I had to become that.  A loving healthy person that stands up for what is right.  That is important to me, so I have to be true to myself.  Honest about it.

And dont be afraid to follow through on a boundary bc even if the relationship falls apart bc of it, then they probably werent your true freind anyway.  It is natural for those people to be weeded out with the "junk male" .  The good guys and people that are able to be a true and real freind (positive, supportive - even if that means the relationship ends - bc if that happens, who knows it might come back around and work out in the end).  That is how it worked for me, anyway lol. 

Remember in a relationship to stay focused on you and what is healthy for you and hopefully your partner is doing the same.  Loving me first and detaching with love from others ~ has been the greatest experience of my life.  I keep surrendering to stay connected. 

You are worth it and so much more.  TC and please be kind and gentle with you, sweetie.  Forgive you, let it all go and be peaceful and whole.  I heard a great quote, from Oprah bc she uses it all the time -- from Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

-- Edited by kitty on Friday 6th of August 2010 09:33:59 PM