The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH B was sober for 10 yrs before I met him. He started drinking heavily shortly after we met. I was very new at this and just wanted to run away as I felt like I did not have enough vested. We became more serious in betwen bouts of drinking and he got a DUI and stopped while on probation so he spent 30 days in jail. Enough? Nope. Started drinking about 2 months later. He ws sober for about 6 months so he moved in with me. Then I foundout he experimented with pills--he confessed to me. then one night wile working, he got drunk! I guess it goes on there all the time. He did not go back. But continued to drink. His teenage daughter witnessed it. Enough? Nope. Back in AMrch he went into Detox after almost dying from withdrawals. Came out and seemed more determined than ever and was sober for 2 months and then he took a drink in May. It has been down hill ever since. His new thing since then has been to just not come home so he does not have to face me. About 3 weeks ago, he was gone for a week--he had money so he ws staying at hotels and a friends house doing work. At the end of a week, he came back and we talked evrything through and decided we need to communicate more and he said that he handled things the wrong way and will not do that again and we will talk about things. We had a fight last Monday and again Tuesday (I was rather direct with him on a few things) and he did not come home Tuesday night. He came Wed after I left for work and packed a suitcase. I tried calling but no answer (par for the course when he does this) No money that I know of so not sure where he is. He was also very down on himself in general over the weekend but the week before, things were great in every way once we talked. Have not seen him since then and when we talked, it sounded like he had been drinking. Is this part of the addiction? May be at the friend house (woman) that he helps with repairs but how long will she let him stay? I want to call him but know I should not but I need to know if this is over and if he is going to get his stuff out of the house. I hate being in limbo. part of being an addict/alcoholic? Please help me to understand!
Aloha Dare...Welcome to MIP and all that is going to be suggested to you as a form of help. There is some long long recovery experience here so you have to take your time cause we didn't get the solutions over night when we first got here. What worked for me was learning to stay in the day and the moment and not dabble with the past or do any fortune telling about the future. I had to learn to live in the now. I married into two alcoholic addicted relationships. I was born into the disease of generational alcoholism...it was what I had known and experienced when I got into Al-Anon and only what I had known and experienced and had no name for.
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical which also results in very insane and bizarre behaviors. Alcoholics are good people who do absolutely bad stuff when under the influence. I learned to hate the disease and love the alcoholic. Normal becomes abnormal under the influence and just knowing that I had to be in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon so I could listen to the more experienced tell their stories of what it was like, what they found out and how it was for them now after getting into and practicing the steps and traditions of the program.
Your alcoholic is attempting to get his life rescued while dealing with the most powerful, cunning and baffling disease on the face of this earth. He's crazy and knows it. He is afraid and knows it and lies to hide his fear. He is out of control and knows that also. For him it is impossible to live with normal people (people who don't need chemicals to survive) but there are sooo many of them around and the chemicals own him. If he uses alcohol and drugs it hurts him and if he tries to not use them it hurts him more! His disease never sleeps and he hates his disease as much as anyone else but the disease doesn't care!!
That's about him and addiction. Al-Anon is for you trying to live within addiction and Al-Anon gives hope, educates and teaches me how to live differently so that the disease doesn't own me either. That is why I am here, that and also to give away anything I have that may help to someone who might want it.
Stick around and help us recover. Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and get to the first face to face meeting that you can. (((((In support)))))
Amen Jerry... Well put. (((Dare to Dream))). There is hope for your AH. You should give alanon a try. It has helped numerous amounts of people and I am one of them.The best thing that you can do for your AH is to start working on your recovery. Sometimes when the alcoholic sees their spouse/partner is getting better psychologically, they try a little harder to stick with their program of sobriety. I am still working on my recovery from living with addiction but I live in the moment and don't fret anymore about tomorrow. That will take care of itself.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Get to a face to face alanon meeting as soon as you can. You can do a search on line for Alanon meetings in your area. I googled it, and for my area found plenty. Try to remember to take care of you and come on here when you need it! I have been doing alanon for 4 weeks and I feel great! I have some hard times (see my earlier post), but I am better able to get through those moments.... Take care of you!
Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I am going to try to get to a couple of meetings this week. My concern right now is if he is ok. Like I said, we had great talks when he came back and this is the last thing I expected. Unless he did not want to hear what I had to say to him Tuesday morning regarding our finances and his drinking. But I really thought we were going to work through things and I am concerned that he is on more than just alcohol. I know he has issues that bother him and he was contemplating counseling but I really do not think he is ready to stop drinking. I just hate being in limbo and not knowing what we are-together or broken up. It just isn't fair to have to keep going through this everytime something upsets him. All of his things are still here and I really don't know what to do right now. and I miss him terribly because of the person he is when sober.
I know it feels very uncomfortable not knowing where he is or where you stand. One thing is for sure, when he's ready he'll seek you out. In the mean time, alanon can help you strengthen yourself to deal better with a tough situation. In my own situation, there were many times where I thought we had clarity from our conversation. However, when my AH was in the middle of a relapse, he would often say what he thought he should, what he hoped was true, but was not truly ready to give up the alcohol and do whatever it takes to stay sober. I've also seen times where he followed through. The thing is, it was completely up to him and his HP.
Thanks Rocky. He called this morning and left a message that he was ok and that he misses me. Sounded very down and confused. I am not ready to talk to him nor do I even know if I want to pursue the relationship any further. I am extremely hurt by his actions and now I have very little trust in him. My thoughts are that wherever he is staying, he is overstaying his welcome. He needs to realize that I am taking care of me now and he needs to take care of him. He is not coming back that easily as he has every other time. I need to make me happy before anything else can happen. God Bless!
Dare to dream, I dont have that much to add, as Jerry said it all so eloquently to you. I can feel Jerry's and all the members compassion for you. I hope you feel it too. Im glad your really giving it some thought to your recovery. I hope you really make it about you.
We are no good to others unless we are right for ourselves. We can actually love an alcoholic to death. I realized that when I had to step away from the XAH, my love was killing him.
But, after much contemplation and deep searching, I did it, it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. The only man I have ever loved. 26 years of some great stuff, but mostly pain and suffering. It was quite a withdrawal for both of us, but it had to be done if he was to ever get sober, his dependency on me was too great. I was all things to him, his Father, Mother, Wife, you name it, I was it. I had to let go. We have been separated two years and I still feel like everything was sucked out of me, Im still healing. I am much happier .
I guess looking back here, I added more than I expected.
Just know that you have friends here who will support you and your not alone, we have all felt what your going thru, we have been there.
Wishing you all the strength you can gather. Luv, Bettina
Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions. He called again last night and our song was on the radio and that was all I heard on the message and then an "I Miss You" and it sounded like a drunk one at that. He then tried to call again today at work and I did not answer. No message this time. He needs to know that I am serious about this and he is NOT coming back. He needs to deal with the problem himself. I am just so angry and hurt and I don't know if that can be repaired this time. i will keep coming back here as everyoene makes me feel supported and welcomed. God Bless!
Called again at work but no message. Left msg on my cell that he hopes I am ok and he really doesn't know what to say and that he misses me. Sounds very down and very confused. I still do not know where he has been for the past week and a half. I am having a very emotional day today. so, I sent him a text saying I got his msg and that I am ok--very hurt, angry, confused and not sure what to think about everything, but ok. I said I missed him too and hope he is ok. He is not one to text so I do not expect a reply. Not sure if he will call tonight and not sure if I should talk to him yet. I miss him terribly. Any suggestions from anyone? I know I am going to have to talk to him eventually but I am still not sure what I want. I do not know if I can get pst the hurt this time.
So, I gave in and tried calling him last night. He did not answer. Basically I left a message and said that I was ok and very hurt and confused and did not know what was going on with us or if there was even an "us" anymore. Told him that I miss him and love him very much and hope to talk to him soon. He did not answer either because he figures why should he if I have not been answering his calls for 3 days OR he was drinking or with someone. I still do not know where he is staying. I just needed him to know how I felt for my peace of mind but also to let him know how hurt and angry I am this time. Not sure what is going to happen but I am hoping for a better day today because last night was not so good for me. Was it wrong of me to call him?
