The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, my AH whom I recently separated from (three weeks ago) asked me for money last week. He's got a stable career, has not provided any child support for the last two weeks (as I'm letting him fix the financialy situation before we get back together).....I did give him back two hundered dollars to catch up on utility bills because being the codependent that I am didn't want him to be without electricity.
Well, that same day I was so upset just with the fact that "How could he even ask" as I'm without a job, taking two time consuming summer classes and have to make sure the kids are OK. My son is wonderful but also clever and the type that will test your patience to the breaking point....
anyhow........I bumped into my mom in law that day at the groceries and told her about that when she asked...
The next day she texts me telling me that "I am part of the problem and that I need to get back on my ADD medicine and that she would help me financially" (she's an RN) This has been onging for the past four years......
I already know I'm part of the problem, but I've struggled with trying to better my self esteem and it doesn't help when she starts going on me as I already have a load on.
Now I feel like I"m beginning to realize that when I tell her what is going on, in reality is kind of a "blame game" to her, which I didn't mean to do at all. Anyhow, I had to avoid her for the weekend (and it made her feel bad) for mine and her sanity. I can honestly say, I love and look up to the woman that she is, but I had to ignore her to keep myself from saying something I might regret. She has program too (thank God) but as much as I would love to have a close relationship with her, there are just some things you do not tell your husbands mom.
Anyhow, I feel I should send her a letter of apology and letting her know that I did it for both our own goods, that I love her, that I'm trying to work on my self esteem, that I do realize I'm part of the problem, thank her for wanting to help, and that I was wrong in telling her anything as my AH and I are both adults that need to solve our own problems.
The only reason I told her is because I'm a fidgety liar, didn't want my husband to be lonley (in his addiction), and didn't practice program in that instant. All I know is, I can vent in the F2F meetings or here on the forum and really need to take things easy.......First things first......Thanks.
Thanks Rose...I saw that as a recovery lesson and ended up with keep it simple (who me?) in the end. It's easy sitting back taking the time to read and ponder solutions while Rose was in a reactive time. You discovered that!! Yay and also discovered that one solution might be to just say "Thanks for loving me. I do appreciate it." to you Mother in Law. Often times my explanations were a waste of time and not even required. Still working on it. Thanks I appreciate it. (((((hugs)))))
Sounds like enmeshed relationships. Yup, keep your mouth shut. I find that the less I say to all concerned (except in meetings and to my sponsor) the better it goes. Yes, ODAT.
I always hoped that things would be so much better if I could get others to understand my point of view. Who am I kidding - this is still a character defect for me! LOL.
Anyway, I'd make things worse by telling it over and over until I was more upset myself and on the verge of harrassing the person who I was trying to "make understand me".
I've been learning to say it once and then give it to HP. Sometimes I don't even need to say it once.
