I'm down that my work on myself is too little to late... - Al-Anon Family Group

mjhyankees · Senior Member

I'm down that my work on myself is too little to late...

Maize · Senior Member

I have been in and out of therapy for the last 12 years (I am 35). I know how hard it is and I sometimes feel the way you do. I ask myself if I will ever "get it" or stop being depressed. I do know that alanon has helped me retrain my thinking, and though I have bad days, times, minutes, I am able to get myself out of that though process a bit easier than before. I wish you a good day, take care of you :) Don't worry about what may come, just deal with right now.... be in the moment... I know its easier said than done, I am having a time of things today myself. But working on it...

-- Edited by Maize on Monday 2nd of August 2010 12:21:17 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

My life goals and dreams can no longer come to fruition in the manner I anticipated. Accepting that is really difficult. I am in the process of rebuilding my life and self esteem. (I say that, but it feels like I'm still pretty stuck.) I am worn out from the energy and hope that I spent with my exha.

So, 50, eh? I am not too far behind. Had I found alanon sooner, I may still be married... but that is not something I allow myself to entertain for long, as he is remarried and I have no choice but to move on. I do not want to spend the next 10 or 20 plus years like the last 10 or 20 plus years. I have been visiting MIP for about 1 year, MIP has allowed me to continue to put a better foot forward.

I'm sure you realize that life is full of twists and turns. We do not know about the future and the opportunities it brings.

All we need to think about is handling things just for today...

ythannah · Senior Member

I can sooooo relate!

I did a lot of formal ACoA therapy in my mid-20's -- outpatient group treatment, one on one counselling, ACoA 12 step group -- and figured I had it licked. But I was trying to deal with my stuff purely on an intellectual level, and never followed a program or worked the steps.

Then, in my 40's I found myself choosing relationships with recovering alcoholic men who had frequent relapses. And wondering why I was putting myself right back into a situation that I dreaded so much, and had been trying to avoid ever since leaving my alcoholic parents' home at the age of 17.

I was pretty down on myself, beating myself up with stuff like, "You're NEVER going to get this right!" and really pessimistic about my chances for recovery at the ripe old age of 46.

The something clicked: recovery was for ME. So I could get rid of my old patterns of thinking and feeling, and enjoy more of an internal sense of peace and happiness. And I wanted that!

There is a member of my home group who joined after I did, and is 78 years old.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What was good for me (of many things) when I was going thru this was the
insertion of "Higher Power" because I wasn't one and considering the
humility question, "Could I be wrong?" I have been blessed in Al-Anon to
get the program filtered in a way that has helped me grow.

I would consider questions and perceptions of my reality and ask the question
"could I be wrong?" (heaven forbid!!) and then step back and ask my HP "How
do you see this?" That helped me change my perceptions. I'll never be perfect
and that isn't even the issue. I think a recovery question more than less helped
me fix my perceptions and outcomes. "Would you rather be happy or would you
rather be right?"

Could you be wrong and the perception is that you're in the right place at the
right time with the wrong expectations? Could be? How does your HP see it
and are you getting HP's feedback? Just some inventory process I was
taught when I first go here. (AFG that is).

(((((hugs))))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you are feeling as though it's too late for you. Remember, it's just a feeling, not the truth.

I understand how broken dreams (goals) can get you down. I'm 54 years old. My exAH and I planned for him to retire this summer and I continue working. The house was to be paid of - no debts to speak of - and on and on...... However, he is now my ex. He did retire (forced due to a 2nd DUI) and I will most likely work until the kick me to the curb because I did not tap into his retirement as part of the divorce settlement. But I don't mind because while my work can be over challenging at times, I enjoy it if I take it as it comes (staying in the present moment).

I allowed myself to moan our broken dreams and feel the feelings. Then I picked myself up and decided it was time for new dreams as a single person. It's not what I wanted, but it's what I got. And I'm going to strive to make the most of it.

You're 50. If you play your cards right (that is, take good care of yourself physically, mentally, & emotionally) you have a lot of time left. If your old goals are not working out, face that reality and create new ones. You're not a failure if goals don't come to fruition. Failure is lying down and giving up - thinking it's too late.
Besides, there are so many lessons to glean while in the process of obtaining goals. Enjoy the process and the lessons.
Just my 2 cents

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 2nd of August 2010 06:09:13 PM

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Thanks everyone....I just can't get past the idea that certain dreams aren't coming true. I know I should probably try for new dreams but to be honest I really dont' have any. I can't think of anything for myself at the moment.
I'm not beating myself up over past mistakes. I can accept that I did the best I could at the time. It's just that something has been lost and can never be regained. I realize it's an exaggeration but it's sort of like being told I'll never walk again. I can do the best I can in a wheelchair, and not let it stop me from being productive, and blah blah blah....but the fact is I'll never walk again. That's what I'm feeling.
I will work on myself and knowing that I'll put my all into it I'll likely get to a place of acceptance, but that's not where I am, and the fact is my dreams are gone and are never coming back. Maybe I'll learn to dream again...but chances are they'll be little dreams that never really take the place of the ones that died.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

As long as you have breath, it is never never too late to change.

I relate to you, you are overwhelmed, over burdened, exhausted. I too was burned out on life, I suffered suicidal ideations from 15-39 yrs old. It was like PTSD - Id go into a trance sort of and see this moving picture in my mind of how things would play out. Basically it was escape for me and my mind was doing it on its own. Its like a bad habit - a bad frequency channel of inner thoughts. The mind is like a radio, it plays the same crap over and over. We seem to glom onto the negative and since we dont feel good about ourselves (psychologically) we tell us, we deserve this, it is the mess we created and then feel a lil heavier with that burden.

Forgive YOU for everything and anything you did that you dont feel good about. Let it go - honestly this has liberated me more than any other single thing I've done in program.

Let your thinking go, get open minded and listen. You way, your own best work- brought you to this point. You do have choices. I was annoyed constantly - I was the only common denominator. I thought it was lame to hear, if you dont like, dont look at it so hard ~ well, that works.

Think on this: what we focus on, grows and manifests into tomorrow. Focus on the solutions, not the problems and your life will improve, change quickly.

Turning it over, re-starting your day - u can do that a million times in a day if you have to. It works, keep practising. TC.

hopeforme · Member

I, too, can really relate to your post. I have been struggling with the exact same thing. I have been in therapy off and on throughout my whole life. (I am 47.) Two years ago I thought I really had it together. I had done soooo much work on myself and thought I had it all together. Then, I found myself in a relationship with yet another alcoholic! I thought I had worked and grown so much that I was emotionally healthy and that would not happen again, but there I was!
I vacillate between being grateful that this was the relationship that got me to Al Anon where real growth can take place, and being mad at myself for doing it again and feeling like I am back to square one and that all my previous work meant nothing.
I feel like a baby again, starting life again, which at times can be awesome and amazing, and at other times disappointing and overwhelming. I choose to try to be good to myself, and on good days I am grateful and open to what possibilities lie ahead for me in this awesome, extraordinary thing we call life.

Know that there are others here who "get it." The slogan- progress, not perfection, helps me a lot!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

The positve thing about having something and then losing it - is you already know you can do it, as you did it once before smile

Slips remind me of what is important to me, it strengthens my program.

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Thanks everyone....I'm trying....but again somethings wont' be available again..at least not likely...yeah I know "anything can happen" but I look at the odds, I'm 50, i'll likely never raise another family....I'm trying real hard to make the one I'm in good but the wife is just very difficult....my daughter is a joy though...so I've got 1/2 a family and not likely to have another.
Now maybe as I get better I"ll have new dreams and goals...it's probably likely that I will but right now I'm mourning the loss. And I forgot who said it before but I do feel constantly overwhelmed and burnt out and just plain sad all the time....what's worse is I see no way out....much of what overwhelms me I can't even blame on the wife...I just can't manage life sometimes. Little things like the car breaking down, the dog getting sick, a big yard that needs lots of work, an old house that I can't afford to fix...none of this is life shattering but I find they just bowl me over and I feel too feeble to even attempt anything sometimes.
Again having been in therapy and alanon in the past and doing lots and lots of work......I did dream again and did work those dreams...only to be disappointed.... AGAIN!!!! It's like none of that work mattered....I'd like to believe it did...that Im better because of it....in my head I believe this, but that horrible black hole in my heart tells me I'll never be happy...sigh.....

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It is evident that you are trying and I certainly know how difficult it is in early recovery. Ive been here five years - first year I practised focusing on me -but- I had (false) guilt about focusing on me (false bc I wasnt doing anything "wrong" by focusing on me - my fear and guilt fed my codependent tendencies) so I worked hard to ignore or detach from the guilt -bc- feelings are just that - only feelings. Yes we need to validate them in us but they are not - "the truth" - they are subjective and transient.

I tried to use a lot of logic with me (bc my mind could go with logic) -so- know that whatevr you are feeling, it will pass.

I always projected into the future and got overwhelmed with life. Well projecting into the future, we cant do anything about that now, today we can only work on today. They say the best way to eat an elephant or climb a mountain is one bite/step at a time. We can only focus on one thing at once - practise that. I was also told that I could do anything for 15 minutes, then I could re-evaluate what to do next - only the first next step - not the next concesutive chapters - breathe and slow down, there is no need to rush for anything.
Stop focsuing on what you know - bc the solutions are different from the problems. Stop trying to solve everything, its ok to not know how it will turn out - that is a human condition, none of us know.

I am thinking you are wanting things to be perfect. This kept me from trying new things out of the fear of it not being good enough. I know for sure - if you fixate on any one outcome (for anything) that is a control issue and the truth is, none of us can control outcomes.

You have to start where you are - accept where you are, and how the other people in your life are. You cannot change that or them -but- you can change you. Just practise what we are all telling you here and see what works for you. Relax about fixing everything - sometimes time takes care of things, sometimes when we open our minds and begin to surrender problems to HP - and let them go - we can relax a lil bit - we can have a new thought. EVerything is a process. No destination in this life except death. Enjoy the simple things -- and let me just tell you my opinion about a gorgeous daughter that you adore - that is a whole family.

It took me to forty to learn the truth ~ being loving is the most freeing and vitally important thing you could ever do or be in this life. Im finding recently that allowing others the dignity to be themselves and me working on -just me- well bc I respect myself more now, I can respect others more now too. People are more willing to be with me now that I am not constantly focused on what they are not doing and how they are disappointing me. If you are disappointed - look within bc no one outside of you will or can ever "make you happy".

This comes up between me and my bf lately. He doesnt seem that happy and is always complaining. I told him under no uncertain terms - this is the best life has to offer. We've got a house, food, he has a good job, our families have their health. I said, life has problems, issues, circumstances that make being peaceful and happy a challange. If you cant get happy when these problems arent present - you will never be happy. I told him, life is short, you better figure it out or it will be over and you will have not enjoyed it.

lol You know, I was telling bf about this last night too - about how everyone is politically correct crazy nowadays (for the last 15 yrs it seems like) and everyone is always SO upset and outraged by others. You want to spend your whole life being exasperated at someone else? - that is a waste of energy and a life. People just willing to throw their lives away over other's behavior, how sad. And we are willingly doing that, we choose it~ man, its not worth it! Your life is worth honoring, respecting and valuing.

flinn66 · Senior Member

Well I am in my mid 50's and AL Anon is teaching me that it is never too late. Living with an AH is difficult (well we all know that is an understatement!!) and for far too long I focussed on how I could 'put him right' never seeing it was me that needed the recovery. I get too caught up in his disease never seeing that this is my life, its the only one I have and it is only me that can make the difference. I too was prone to project and see a bleak and unhappy future and so envy what others seemed to have.

Slowly day by day and yes with relapses, I am learning to be more focussed on me, accepting my emotions and needs and finding ways to meet them myself, my life won't be perfect but I can do the best that I can and that means unlearning many unhelpful ways of thinking and behaviour patterns that no longer serve me well, it is a struggle but I take a little time each day for gratitude and a little time for me, just me. I used to think Al Anon was a selfish fellowship but I have learned that it has to be - unless we can nurture and care and love ourselves how can we be loving to our fellow members, and I have found service - giving to receive so helpful in my own recovery.

My sponsor wisely told me that all we are doing is just our best each day, if I can do that with love it will and does get better, whether I live until a ripe old age or have only limited time left it is important that I get what I can from each day

Hugs

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Thanks again...I guess it's not too late....I can only do, what I can do.....I'm trying to focus on working on those things that are in my control. My health, fixing what I can in the house, things like that. I wish I could find joy in all this...I guess that can come eventually.
Funny, I believe in the program and that it will help me, but I'm also aware that it (and I) can't fix everything in my life. And there's so much more that I want to change.
I realize that this is all about changing what I can and letting go of the rest....not always easy, but all I can do.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.