The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, I want to say that I am usually a "lurker". Sometimes, when I am in sick thinking, I come to the boards and read your posts, and it really helps to know that there are so many people out here experiencing similar things. So- thank you!
I came to Al Anon 8 months ago, after breaking up with my A boyfriend. It has been a long, difficult journey, but my growing recovery in Al Anon has been such a wonderful gift.
I dropped him off at detox in January. When detox was over, he begged me to pick him up and take him home before the month-long rehab. Thankfully, I had the strength not to do it. He didn't stay for rehab and found another ride home. :)
The boundary I set was that I would not be with him or talk to him until he had at least three months sobriety. Well, I didn't see him, but I eventually caved and began talking to him on the phone and answered his texts. After a couple of months, he convinced me that he was sober and I agreed to go with him to an AA meeting. Not surprisingly, I could smell alcohol on his breath. Of course, he was incredulous at the idea that I could say such a thing. I let it go. Perhaps, it was alcohol from the day before, or something, which he was obviously trying to hide (cunning, manipulative!) as he was doing anything at the time to try to get me back.
Anyway, fast forward to today. I go to, and am involved in at least three meetings a week. I have a new sponsor. I read the literature. I work the steps. But- I am missing him a lot lately. I have talked to him only once in the past two months. He is not sober. I know I cannot and will not be with him. But, I am having trouble dealing with the fact that "it wasn't that bad". I left him because I could see the handwriting on the wall, so to speak. My son was getting attached to him, and he has two small daughters that I could not let myself get any more attached to.I knew it would only get worse, and needed to leave before it did. (He's not my first A. Big surprise!) He was one of those As who's behavior when drinking didn't change much. He was always lucid, never slurred, etc. But- and this is a big but- he shook from withdrawal in the mornings, and couldn't get a job, and hadn't worked for over a year.
The part that makes me miss him so much is that I feel like he knew me like no one else. And what trips me up, to this day, is that I left before it got bad, so I have only good memories. (Well, the drive to detox wasn't great.) He finally gave up on trying to contact me. I guess I must admit that in my sickness I got a lot out of the game we played- him trying to get me back, me saying no. I felt it proved his love for me. And now, I am kind of stuck in the missing of him and obsessing on him having moved on. I obsess that he has found someone else, and can't shake it.
I guess this has become a vent, but it felt good. Thank you.
They are not all bad. I miss the many good times with my exha during our 20 year marriage. Of course, I romanticize, as the bad outweighed the good, yet, for years I kept my eye on the glimmer of hope deep inside him.
I am divorced 4 years and still struggle letting go. I will always love him. He is remarried now. I guess it is all a process.
Try to keep the focus on you and keep moving forward. I know how hard this is, but if you don't want him in your life, you have to decide to do it and stick to it... take care of you!
the only way I could do no contact was one day at a time. Paradoxically I found not knowing very very helpful. The less I knew the better.
I do know that I would psych myself often in the black and white of the relaitonship. Obviously if there is a connection there has to be some good at some point.
I also work very hard on being busy. The busier and more goal orientated I am the less likely I am to be impulsive about relationships.
I symphatize with you. My Ahsober left our 30 year marriage 5 years ago. His choice not mine. I have to remind myself that if my HP meant it to be we would still be together. We had good finances, 3 great sons, and many other good things together. The disease called him and he went. I cry, go to meetings, call my sponsor, keep busy, and write down my gratitudes. I know in moments of clarity that there were some bad parts to our relationships. He didn't treat me well alot of the time. He didn't meet my needs or even try at lot of the time. Stay strong.
I can so relate. My exA and I were together for the 2nd time after a year apart in recovery (for both of us). If it could have just been us two in a vacuum and no other life got in we would have been perfect. He is extremely romantic, fun to converse with etc. But I can't depend on him and that is just frustrating. It is hard to walk away from the wonderful parts of a relationship for those reasons. But for me, that is life. I have raised a child all on my own and felt the hardships of not having the opportunity to do it with a partner. Now that she is an adult I don't want to take care of someone else!!!
It is difficult, I agree. Missing him is normal. Sounds like you have immersed yourself in Al-Anon and that is great. It helps me through this process of ending the relatioship and healing. The alone time to heal, learn more about myself, my role in relatioships and what healthy relationships are, then perhaps someday in the near future . . . a wonderful, healthy relationship with a non-A. Now that sounds good to me.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Aloha Hope that is the exact description of a relapse getting ready to happen. Alcoholics go thru it just the same way...Thinking and obsessing and planning around the next drink or in your case the next visit and then finding out nothing changes for the better only for the worse. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which is also progressive always getting worse never better. The spouse, friends and family go thru the same thing as the alcoholic becomes the obsessive center of our focus. Get and read the pamphlet titled "A Merry-go-round named denial". Your face to face meeting should have one just waiiting for you if you don't already have a copy. It's one of the better one's I have read. Replace your EX with your program and a power greater than him. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for your kind and meaningful shares. Jerry, I hadn't thought about this as a relapse in the works, but I can sure see it now. I am pretty good at denial and magical thinking. I have been mad at myself for being back in obsessive thoughts, and am working on not beating myself up. I'm good at that, too. I went to a great meeting tonight, and the boards help.
What I found was that was I was missing was what I needed. But I couldn't get it from the ex, because the great parts were mixed with so many other parts that meant he wasn't really available. It's like being married to a man who's always off with his mistress.
Just because I need it doesn't mean he has it. I find that saying about going to the hardware store for bread really applicable.
I hadn't thought of those thought patterns as building up to a relapse, but that helps a lot.
Sometimes, when I am in sick thinking, I come to the boards and read your posts, and it really helps to know that there are so many people out here experiencing similar things. So- thank you!