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Hi, I am a newcomer of Al-Anon (although I've been to seven meetings) and it has been hard..
First two weeks, I struggled with the idea of God, Higher Power and being powerless over alcohol. The third week, I accepted that there is Higher Power and felt great. The fourth week has been a confusion week and not sure if I should be in Al-Anon or not.
My husband is in recovery and he is doing really well. He always had a drinking problem but never been violent or abusive. He was a happy drunk.
After having listened to stories in meetings, I feel like I didn't suffer enough to be there. Other newcomers are so into it, one of them has started working on the steps without a sponsor and I am nowhere near to do the steps. When I think about it, I feel like a failure.
I've got phone numbers from fellow members but I find it very difficult to phone because I don't want to interrupt their lives. I feel like I am making a fuss over nothing and wasting their time.
I feel angry at my husband for putting me into this. If he didn't have a drinking, problem I don't have to go through with this. Ever since we've got together, I feel like it's always my husband who makes decisions and I have to go along with them. And he decided to change our life by stopping drinking. I am happy for him but I am struggling with the changes that brought into my life.
My friends said I look happy but I don't feel that happy. I am confused. Probably those worries I had over my husband when he was drinking vanished but now I have to work on me. My focus always has been on my husband, I can't think of myself as an indivisual. I lost my identy. And I know that Al-Anon can help me to find myself again but I am resisting it.
I am sorry for waffling. As I mentioned above, I am confused and would love to hear from anyone who felt the way I am feeling.. Thanks.
(((Junko))) Your story sounds somewhat familiar to me. My AH was a happy drunk for years, until he progressed farther and then he changed and became an angry, bitter drunk. I too have sat in meetings and thought, "Well, I didn't have it THAT bad." Thinking back to my AH's hitting bottom, I did have it that bad and maybe even worse than some of the stories I have heard. I guess my point is, why should it be bad at all? Your AH is in recovery now, and so is mine. Thank you, HP!!! My attending alanon is for me. I am affected by his drinking, my world centered around it. The alanon program has brought me peace of mind and serenity. It made me see that I was so caught up in his addiction that I didn't have my own life any longer. I didn't know where to go from my bottom (accepting that I was powerless over his drinking and my life was TOTALLY unmanageable. ) Give alanon a try for the suggested six month period and see if your life has changed for the better. I know that my life quality has bettered immensely and I will probably attend alanon for the rest of my life. Why? Because it makes me happier and reinforces that I have to be happy for me and who I am and no one else. Peace.
I remember that feeling. My husband was a quiet drunk. When I went to my face to face meetings I didn't feel welcome. (I chose the wrong group.) I had to find the right group which I eventually did. I found a support group that was not Alanon based. Yes it was helpful. However and this is a big however they didn't give me the tools I needed to cope.
Quiet alcoholic or not, your life has been affected by this disease. Therefore Alanon is most definitely for you. I too struggled with the idea of HP. Remember it is the God or HP of our understanding not anyone else's. You take what you like and leave the rest.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about living strong. When my husband got into recovery I needed Alanon more than anything. The dynamics of a sober marriage are different from an active marriage.
I can tell you from looking at my sister her husband is sober, working his program and yet she's the same old person. The old idea as one brilliant person here likes to put it. How's it going for her? Not so good. I begged her to come to Alanon with me and get the girls in Alateen. She doesn't think she needs it because it's HIS problem. It's HIS disease. I can't force her to go with me. I have turned her over to her HP. All I can do is be there for the nieces and guide them. I worry about them.
Resentments come with the disease. I knew my husband in college. The man barely touched a drop. He was what I call a late blooming alcoholic. I absolutely resented that his disease presented itself late. We had plans for a future. Where are those dreams now? Alanon taught me how to let go of those. I lost my beloved Tim 2 years ago. Ironically the disease didn't kill him but it would have. I still go to my meetings eventhough I no longer have an A directly in my life. These are life long skills that you can take with you. I use them at my job as well as here.
Many people have been and are right where you are now. Nobody says that you have to do all the Steps & the work the program the way we think you should. Take it at your own pace. This is a program of progress NOT perfection. Please keep coming back to us. You are always welcome. You will find your way. Just never give up hope. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Junko, welcome and thank you for your wonderful post. I could really relate. When I first came to alanon I thought, wow these people have been thru some really hideous experiences and I could not relate. I did not realize how affected or infected my own thinking had become. A past relationship with an a had brought me thru the doors as I could not seem to get over it. I didnt share alot of the experiences that others had gone thru although I could over time see how I had lost myself in the relationship. That alone kept me coming back as that I could really relate to. The thought of working the steps was no where in my agenda at the time. I did begin to notice that I was feeling better and finding alot of answers to questions about myself which also kept me coming back. I like the suggestion you were given as to see if you feel better over time. So glad your here !!! Those of us who have ever lived with anyone with addiction are affected...to think that we may be the one person on earth who wasnt also kept me coming back :) its sort of like thinking there is one alcholic out there in the world who can drink.......thanks again
"...I didn't feel like I suffer enough to be there. I feel like a failure." "...I find it very difficult to phone because I don't want to interrupt their lives." "...I feel like I am making a fuss over nothing." "...I feel angry at my husband for putting me into this. If he didn't have a drinking problem, I don't have to go through with this." " My friends say I look happy but I don't feel happy." "...I am confused."
Welcome to alanon! Yes, Junko, you certainly do belong here. Your life has been affected by the your husband's drinking problem (see above) and that is reason enough. Alcoholism/ addiction is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease!
I had the same reaction to alanon many years ago. I gave it several meetings and tried different locations. I wasn't ready to hear the messages even though I was trying to understand them. I left alanon, but years later, returned. This is the only place where people understand my thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is the only place where I can get the help I need.
I did not like hearing that I had a part in my husband's addiction. Through alanon, I became aware how some of my behaviors were enabling, as well as perpetuating the hurt. Alanon shows us ways to lovingly detach and live life without so much confusion and anger. By detach, I mean with forgiveness, kindness, and love- learning to let go and give it to God and have faith. I have not been here long enough, but I now have moments and days that have contentment and happiness that I would not otherwise have.
How I wish I had alanon during my marriage to show me different perspectives. I'll never know if it would have helped preserve it. In my case, I'll have to believe that we were meant to find different paths, as he has recently remarried.
Please keep coming back. Listen to the stories and focus on the tools. You will see how the alanon principles can change your life and that miracles do happen.
Junko, welcome to our world of confusion and recovery. I can relate to your post as others have said they did as well. After a few meetings I thought "I've had a walk in the park compared to a lot of others". Bottom line my pain may not have been as dramatic as others but it was my pain and it was more than enough for me.
Others have commented on diffrerent aspects of your post. I would like to add my own. You say you have a phone list but are afraid that they won't want to hear your tale of woe again.
Darlin, when someone in the program calls me they are doing me a huge favor and an even bigger compliment. You see when someone calls me and I listen to what it is they are troubled with today, it takes my mind off of what is driving me nuts today. They actually give me a mini vacation from my troubles and they also show me that there must be something I do right or they wouldn't have called me.
I remember the first time I used that call list. I was frantic and I needed help from somewhere and it had to be someone that understood what I was going through. To this day I do not remember who I called. I simply went down the list until I found someone who answered the phone. We talked for a good 45 minutes and that lady probably didn't say three words, she just let me talk. At the end of the conversation I realized that I had made it all the way to figuring out what I needed to do and had the answer to my question.
Don't be afraid to use that phone list, these wonderful people agree to have their names posted on that list for a reason. They are willing to listen and all we have to do is pick up that phone and call them.
The wonderful world of Al-Anon not only helps us with our struggles with the A but it can be used in our every day life. It didn't take long before I realized that my program was working in areas of my life I had never dreamed of.
YES, you belong in Al-Anon! You have a husband in recovery but as you work the steps you will find that his addiction has caused you more harm than you realize. Keep going back, I did and I will be forever grateful that I made that decision.
Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Welcome-You have been given wonderful insights and suggestions. I just wanted to add that this program of alanon is a process. Everyone progresses at their own pace and uses whatever tools work for them at any particular time. Take whatever you like and leave the rest (For another time).
Remember we are responsible for our own happiness . This happiness is an inside job and alanon will give you the tools to have your insides match the outsides (That everyone sees)
Alanon has many small slogans that I used in the beginning to help me to focus on myself and regain the parts of myself I had denied or lost. a big one for me was:
Compare and Despair. Please come back visit the chat room share your heart and compare yourself of today to yourself of before alanon days and see if you do not feel better. That is the ultimate goal Focus only on yourself, Live One Day at A Time, Make a Gratitude List and keep coming back.
I had to find the right group...one that I felt I could identify with...I eventually did after much searching....I also found groups that had people suffering way more than me...and felt uncomfortable...however I always felt if I could take one thing home from the meetings that I identified with or was helpful, then it was worth it. Don't underestimate the idea that something you say may be helpful to someone else. I took my time working on the steps....I just went and listened alot...step work came when I felt I belonged.
If you are affected by someone else's drinking you belong I tried really hard to convince myself i didn't need to be here, I could handle things on my own. Well that didn't work out to well to say the least. One member told me " the program is free, should you decide to leave we will gladly refund your misery" That really clicked with me. I didn't want to be miserable any more. As far as working the steps please never compare your recovery to that of another. We all work at our own pace. It isn't a race sheesh it took me 10 months to really accept step 1. I hope you continue your recovery Blessings
To recap, you wrote: "My husband is in recovery and he is doing really well." "He always had a drinking problem" "I feel like I didn't suffer enough to be there". "I am nowhere near to do the steps" "I find it very difficult to phone because I don't want to interrupt their lives" "I feel angry at my husband for putting me into this" "If he didn't have a drinking, problem I don't have to go through with this" "my husband who makes decisions and I have to go along with them" "he decided to change our life by stopping drinking. I am happy for him but I am struggling with the changes that brought into my life." "I don't feel that happy." "I am confused". "Probably those worries I had over my husband when he was drinking vanished but now I have to work on me" "My focus always has been on my husband" " "I can't think of myself as an indivisual" "I lost my identy"
Some people feel that they lost their purpose when they no longer have to care for an Alcoholic. Some ladies miss the "bad guy" image and find their spouse boring when they start to live with sanity. I promise you are worth more than that.
You have a right in life to be heard and respected and to learn to command that respect. For me recovery and helping others gives me purpose.
I am thrilled to hear of your husband starting recovery. You need your recovery too. Also if someone relapses we still have our recovery. To build awareness changes life.
You also said: "I know that Al-Anon can help me to find myself again but I am resisting it"
Junko, I can honestly say to you that I dont believe in a God and this program works for me. You dont have to accept everything about Alanon. The motto "Take what you like and leave the rest" is great, because it can include everyone. I am a practicing Buddhist and just substitute the words for what I do believe in. Whatever you believe in , is your higher power.
Your not going to find anywhere a program better than Alanon for the treatment of the spouses and family members that suffer from this terrible disease. It is our denial if we think that the disease of Alcoholism hasnt affected us.
Losing our identity is one them of which you speak. Our denial is another way we dont want to deal with the disease. Junko, take it one day at at time.
My ex was also a happy drunk in the beginning, but after 26 years of marriage this disease gets progressively worse if not arrested.
Keep coming back , listen and read the experiences of others , they have of wisdom to share.
Aloha Junko...What a marvelous post for those who have stepped up to support you with their memories of what it use to be like, what they found out and what it is like for them now. I love reading miracles and listening to miracles in progress like Junko. If you had all the answers you wouldn't be here with all of your concerns and fears. Absolutely no one is born with a manual that tells them how to live within the disease of alcoholism. I never got one and I was born within this disease. I came to the realization that my HP desired I come to the program and so allowed me to live in it until I found Al-Anon's doors.
I read your story and hear my own including being not sure whether Al-Anon was for me or not. It took two attempts to get here, one of no consequence and the other getting my life saved. I also heard what the others have mentioned here and have experienced the same thing often in the same way with a bit of a difference; When I got into Al-Anon the suggestion to newcomers was to get to as many meetings as they could within a 90 day period of time and then answer the question "Is this for me?" I got to 102 meetings in that period of time and the answer because "If I don't have this my life is over." In 7 days you have realized only a little...You have 7 meetings against how many days living with the disease? I'm sure the disease has had more influence over your life up till now and therefore your feeling is honest...how could you know if Al-Anon is for you when most of what you know is living the other way.
I believe you are fully qualified from what you have said here. I believe you will get more help, sanity, serenity, peace of mind if you give this solution more time for participation. Just a piece of information...Al-Anon is considered the most successful social model therapy for those who have lived with alcoholism. Referral to Al-Anon and places like MIP is up because it works.
Several members have responded to your post. Several members believe you are qualified. What worked for me was continuing to attend and reaching out, like you have here, for help.
Hello and welcome , trust me your in the right program just keep going u will begin to relate ,listen to the similarities not the differences , all of our circumstances are different but the feeling of powerless ness and anger are the same if you intend to stay in this relationship you are going to need a program of your own ,the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change ,we all do .Like it or not we had a part in this mess and we have to do things differently in recovery so please do it for yourself this is no longer about him AA will take care of him. Never compare your pain to someone elses , or the speed at which u recover . we all work this program a little differently and that s what makes Al-Anon so unique to me , 5 people can read the same page and get something different out of it . Go with an open mind expecting nothing and uwill hear what u need to hear . Louise
Thank you very much for your kind words, wisdoms and encouragement. I went to a meeting for the first time since I read your posts and felt really comfortable being there.
I actually read all the posts over and over again and let them reach my mind, not my head. And I feel that I am coming out of a dark place I have been.
Your support gave me a great strength so thank you.
Have a lovely day to you all and thanks again, Junko
