The material presented
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Hi everyone- I am 28 and recently threw my 30 year old boyfriend (now ex) out on Wednesday because I no longer could handle his actions. He is an alcoholic (sorry for the obvious) and he simply cannot function without it. He began laying out of work and going to his buddy's house to drink rather than working (I'm currently on unemployment from being laid off, he's in construction). Monday he claimed to get sick while working, but felt well enough to go get drunk again. The past couple of days I have been feeling guilty because the person he was doing work for has not paid him and he is broke and now homeless. I am going crazy beating myself up over it. I want to help, but I tried so hard to help him over the past few months and he refuses to "help me help him" or get help. He has CRO classes he must attend as soon as they are paid for and he said also court ordered AA. Am I doing the right thing though? Friends and family have told me maybe he needs to hit rock bottom before he "wakes" up, so to speak. Secretly, I've helped him here and there- let him sleep on the couch one night so he could sleep comfortably.
-- Edited by bgrasp on Monday 2nd of August 2010 12:01:14 AM
You are exactly in the right place. So, you threw out your boyfriend, I cannot tell you how many times I threw out the XAH over the 26 years of marriage.
I would always throw him out when I was angry, and when I would cool down, the doubts would enter . Whenever we do things in anger and then feel sorry or bad and take them back, it diminish us in their eyes as far as credibility. When the A knew it was out of anger, he would always come back and it gave him a few days to stay away and drink.
If you are serious about the program and feel that you could attend face to face meetings to find out more about Alanon, it would be so helpful. This board is helpful, just reading the experiences and implementing them in your life will change your life.
This program is for you and your serenity in the midst of chaos brought on by living with an Alcoholic. It will help you decide what is the right choice for you.
Wishing you strength hope and courage. Luv, Bettina
Right now my head is so flooded with thoughts I don't even know where to begin. I was very angry when I threw him out, but I know I cannot let him come back for the very reasons you mentioned. He didn't care anything about my feelings, only himself. My mom stuck by my dad as he went through the same, but I was so miserable while the ex was here and I can't live that way. I want to help him so much because I hate for people to go without, especially those I care about, but him being him, he won't go without the one thing he cares most for.
He went between times of recognizing what it was doing and not caring. At one point I even banned alcohol from the household which blew up in my face 2 weeks later. His personality has changed so much, whether he is drinking or not.
I definitely plan on reading posts here and finding local al anon meetings.
Aloha Bgrasp...welcome to the board also. Your story is so usual. Just scroll back on the post and you will see how usual it is and then your guilt will go away or at least lessen. Alcoholism takes victims and hostages and then we find out that being a victim or a hostage is a choice not a requirement. Do take Bettina's suggestion of face to face Al-Anon meetings. You will meet a lot of us there because that is what was suggested to us and what has worked. Your alcoholic boyfriend is going to have to feel all of the pain of the disease and he will have to do that without someone standing by to protect him from it. He is alcoholic and not a bad boy although that is sometimes hard to visualize until you understand the disease of alcoholism. Right now alcohol owns him and he has lost the ability to choose. Booze is making the choices for him and doesn't have to make the choices for you.
Find the hotline phone number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and get the meeting places and times and get there as quickly as you can. We got Alabama people on this board also who are good family that can also make you feel at home.
Glad you're here...I'm resisting the urge to advise you....but let me say this. Now that you're here, I'd always been advised not to make any more major life decisions until you had some recovery....we dont' want to keep creating chaos for ourselves. Put things on hold (that you are able to...somethings can't wait). "Do the work on yourself and later you should be able to make better decisions"...that's what I was told once and found it sound advice. Welcome...
Glad you found us! You are in the right place Just my experience, if you keep cushoining his fall he will never hit his bottom. What ever his bottom may be. I know it is hard to see our loved ones suffer, excrutiating really But nothing you are doing is keeping him from drinking or admitting he has a problem. He doesn't have money, but I bet he finds a way to get his booze huh? Nothing but nothing will come before that until he seeks help He has to go to AA so he knows exactly where help is at, if he refuses to accept recovery, then allow him the dignity to make his own choices. Even if that means he is homeless. This is such a hideous disease where instead of us coming to the rescue to help as we would if it were any other disease we have to let them go and find thier way back. Blessings to you
