The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a long term relationship with my partner who is a ACOA. I just reintroduced myself to ACOA literature and was very relieved to read about my ACApartner and her Afamily. We are getting ready to adopt our 2yo son and are really struggling within our relationship due to issues involving the generational alcoholism in her relatives. While she is in the infancy of her recovery, I have been struggling (blindly) with the characteristics of ACOA she so perfectly imbodies long before I picked-up the ACA literature. I am worn out. She has moments of self realizations and sees beyond the inner world she works so hard to protect, but they are slow coming and the defensiveness, distortions, blaming and at times lies fill up the rest of our interactions. Lately I have realized that indeed, like ACOA's she would rather lie when the truth would actually be simpler and ok to express. This leaves me feeling betrayed and decieved. While I can truly understand how her life has led to this, my empathy is faltering because when I am not in the empathy seat, she does her best to keep me in the bad guy seat.
I am so overwhelmed with emotional pain and burn out I do not know how much longer I can subject myself to such a toxic relationship. Keeping a sense of myself and self esteem in tact is becoming more and more difficult. Finding MIP has been great. I have been reading all of your posts and appreciate the openess, vulnerabilty and strength you share. I have been touched by all of you and your struggles and hope. It is nice to know I am not alone.
When do we know enough is enough? It would be nice to know that all this work will lead to some relief and closeness for us.
Aloha Moving...When you can set aside the negative feelings of guilt, shame, confusion betrayal and all the other toxic ones and pull out the positive ones so you can feel these all by yourself and unattached to her that is when you can make the decision with balance. You can call an end to the insanity anytime you want is what I learned however it was best when I could feel good about myself and life "inspite" of my alcoholic wife and others. Happiness is an inside job and I had to have training to hold that job. I trained while standing within the insanity this disease causes on both sides of the line. I was warned early on in recovery by my then sponsor that all of the membership in the room was there for the same reason and they all had suffered the same outcome. We were all crazy trying to arrive at sanity. Of course it works but choosing my partners from inside of recovery mean't that I wasn't choosing from the top of the bin. As long as I could keep in mind where I was at and how I got there and why I was staying and could count my bruises and listen to others count theirs I wasn't picking from a perfect crop. I needed tools that I could use for myself with the others I had chosen to partake in my life with. Some are worse off than others. I get to choose when, where, why and for how long I want to occupy the same space as them and I do. Denial and deception from anyone regardless of disease for me corrupts a deep relationship. I can use my Al-Anon tools to keep me spiritually intact and sane however these tools will not and cannot "fix" another person from another perspective and behavior. I build my own boundaries and I must have the facility to act on them. I choose when I am in or am out and how long and with whom and why. If there is one treasure that Al-Anon has taught me it is that I have real choices which I can act on when I decide it is right to act. I keep in mind that I have a higher power and that I can surrender any person, place or thing and myself over to that higher power and let go...my choice. The children of alcoholic (my believe and studies) a predisposed to drinking and some times not...rarely are they not affected by the insanity of the disease. That one I didn't have the opportunity or the plan of "how to" say no to.
Three Cs will work here...Let go and...LET God, will work here...Lotsa tools will work here and this program always works when you work it. In support and knowing what your pain feels like. (((((hugs)))))
Hello and welcome,your post tells us alot about her but not much about you. I suggest u try Al-Anon meetings for yourself figure out what u want and how to achieve it in a positive way . You qualify for our program because u are living with a child of an alcoholic ,who with out knowing it has picked up alot of alcoholic traits , her life has been affected by someone elses drinking and is now affecting yours. Your bringing a child into your home u too need recovery and support that will give u the answers your looking for . ACOA lit gives insite to her stuggles which dont help u at all , please find a meeting for yourself .. u need support . and I would bet if you shake your family tree there will be an alcoholic who falls out somewhere which is another reason u qualify. Louise
Try to concentrate on you and how you are doing. I know its hard. Believe me, I am new too. But day by day, I am learning more and more how to take care of me and not worry about my friend the alcoholic. It doesn't mean I don't relapse and worry, and project on the future, but I am able to see that I am doing it and that is a step in the right direction. Keep coming back and find Alanon in your area where you can meet some people in person! Take care of you!
Thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement. I took your comments with me through the weekend and felt calmer and more centered. I read Courage to Change, Language of Letting Go, the original Al-anon daily reader book and Daily Meditations for ACA's and feel lost if I don't take the time at the beginning of the day to read my stack o' books. Being reminded to look inward and find my spirit, which gets challenged daily, are all good practices. I would like to get back to ftf meetings and the support they provide.
long before I picked-up the ACA literature. I am worn out. She has moments of self realizations and sees beyond the inner world she works so hard to protect, but they are slow coming and the defensiveness, distortions, blaming and at times lies fill up the rest of our interactions. Lately I have realized that indeed, like ACOA's she would rather lie when the truth would actually be simpler and ok to express. This leaves me feeling betrayed and decieved. While I can truly understand how her life has led to this, my empathy is faltering because when I am not in the empathy seat, she does her best to keep me in the bad guy seat. 