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I am sick. My son has called twice this morning from the recovery house. He was mad and told me to come get him. I told him I couldn't. He wasn't suppose to be able to make phone calls until Monday. He was very mad. Tell me what you think... Please..... When he entered the program this week they told him in front of me..that he could leave anytime he wanted to...but they would call his probation officer.
If he doesn't complete this he will go to prison for five years. I am having a mental meltdown.
-- Edited by okwitt on Friday 30th of July 2010 09:31:50 AM
hi (((okwitt)) I think I would be trying to find out why he is making phone calls if he isn't supposed to be. Maybe you could just not answer the phone? Is that an option? It's obviously upsetting to you and doing no one any good, especially you.
love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Good for you, Okwitt - I know it was hard. You did a good job detaching and taking care of yourself. Alcoholics cannot recover until they accept responsibility for their actions and take control of their own recovery. While you can't make your son or any other alcoholic want to accept responsibility and take control of their own lives, it is detrimental to your own recovery to be the pillow someone else falls on over and over. Both parties continue to get hurt that way - the one being the pillow obviously, because he or she is absorbing the impact, but the one doing the falling too, because he or she has no incentive to stop if there's going to be a soft cushion every time.
I can relate to the mental breakdowns. I was a nervous wreck for years around the now ex A.
If you are sick you are in no obligation to take his phone calls. What I have come to see is when an alcoholic is in that mode their life is crisis, reaction (often impulsive) and then need. I drowned in the ex A's bottomless needs. Whatever I did, no matter if I was at it 24 hours, gave up all my resources, whatever, it was never enough. I was still somehow depriving him.
Detachment is a real art. Some of us detach in anger at the beginning. I find the tool absolutely essential in dealing with many issues. If you do not have a copy get the Getting them Sober book offered at the top of this page.
I haven't had any calls like this from my friend in recovery, but if I did, I would have to politely hang up. You can say "I am sorry, I need to let you go now. I love you" and hang up. If he keeps calling you, don't answer the phone. I am not sure why the rehab center is letting him make calls, I know my friend couldn't make calls until he had been through detox (5 days) and in the inpatient area for 5 days. So I waited to hear from him for 10 days. I am not sure why some places let them make calls and some don't.... I feel the waiting was really good for my friend :) Take care of you. Make a boundery and stick to it. You don't have to be treated poorly, even by your own son, who evidently knows how to push your buttons... Take care! ((((HUGS))))
I think you did the right thing if that means anything If he is allowed to leave at anytime, let him but you don't have to contribute to it. He knows what the consequenses are and has to live with his decisions. My son is in Jail right now he will then go on probation. If he doesn't comply he too is looking at 1-5 yrs. What he does is completly up to him as we will not enable his behavior anymore and he is not allowed to come home. At some point as much as we love our children and would do anything for them, there comes a time where you have to save yourself. He will take you right down with him. I speak from experience. And we did not come to the place we were at easily or quickly. We lived with his addiction for so long and agonized over our decisions ( still do ). But we deserve a life too. Our son knows we love him unconditionally. Nothing he could do or say to diminish our love for him but his addiction is out of our hands and in Gods hands now. Blessings to you in recovery
Okwiltt, I know how frustrating it can be to be in the life of an addict.
Especially when its your son and your trying to parent and teach him responsibility. I really believe that an alcoholic is wired differently in the brain. In other words, they just dont get it.
You cant keep beating yourself up over trying to get a point across to a person who doesnt want to take responsibility for their own life and the decisions they make.
Its really out of your hands, your son has to learn by consequences and you cant save him.
Let go and let his HP kick in, he has his journey.
Wishing you strength and courage, big hugs, Bettina
My son is also my A and it is very hard to detach. I agree with Maize. Tell him you love him but it is his life and he must work it out the best he can. Tell him you will not stand by his decision to leave the rehab and then whatever happens...happens.
my esh to you would be to get busy doing something for yourself right away. They say "when we get busy we get better". I agree!
There is not much I can add here. Whatever choices he makes he has to live with the consequences of it. Your love for him won't stop if he makes the wrong choice. I always said that I loved my Tim but not his disease. Most addicts feel unloved. Remind that you do no matter what if you feel that way. Turn him over to his HP. I will say an extra prayer for your family. Stay with us and Alanon. Try and find some face to face meetings. As wonderful as we are, sometimes being with people who have been through this is even better. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Okwitt, you are fearful, I lived that fear for so long and understand only too well. Your son is running scared, wants you to fix it for him. Hes out of his comfort zone and feeling things sober for the first time in a long time and thats a scarey place, so hes furious. Dont take it personally. The professionals know what to do about all that in rehab.....dont make it your job its too hard. Turn that energy on your recovery if you can.
I have learned to say to my son that I was sorry he was hurting and that things could and would get better if he did what was suggested, then I would promptly change the subject and prattle on about any old thing so he couldnt talk about himself. He usually hung up at that stage as he wasnt hearing what he wanted. He is currently in rehab with the knowledge that if he walks out it's back to the 'bottom' he has just left, and not back home.
When I got the begging calls the last time he was in rehab I phoned the unit to explain what was happening. If they dont know they cant do anything about it......I got a lot of re-assurance from them.
Breathe, take it slow, you're doing good.
In support
((((((Hugs)))))) Ness xx
-- Edited by Ness on Friday 30th of July 2010 05:31:28 PM
If he chooses to leave the program thats his business if it were me I wouldnt go and bring him home , they will call the probation officer and that will just be another thing that he can blame u for from jail .this is a no win situation for you , I am sorry he is trying to put u in this situation . He is sober and scared shitless right now but is where he needs to be , especially if it was court ordered withdrawl is not easy and this recovery requires complete honesty with himself and others and he just dosen't like it . Sobriety is not easy for anyone ,at least while in treatment he may hear something that will turn his life around , the courts gave him a gift he just dosent see it yet . hang in there stand firm on your decission to not go and get him . this is his trip let him decide the outcome. Louise
I can relate to you on this as my son is 25 and an alcoholic. I watched him grow on the honor roll in school and wow he was my hero. over the last five years I have watched my son get sicker and sicker. He now has a police record and has only been sober one day in the last 30 something days. I did all I could to keep him from trouble as his mother, thought it was my job. Today I look at him and I regret it. He has two beautiful children and is losing them to this illness. I guess what I'm saying is that for me, in jail he was sober and I have helped him destroy my son by trying to save him. No mother wishes to see their child suffer, regardless of how old they are. This is now in his hands, not yours and he was informed of the consequences. I kept thinking that if I did not get him out of trouble then my grandchildren wouuld not have their dad. His oldest is three and he came over yesterday to see his dad, its been over three weeks sinnce he saw him. I caught him with a beer can and went to chew him out when he looked up at me and said, "I dont want my dad to drink this beer so I can see him". I realized then that he does not have his dad now and he knows it. So I helped him dump it out and held him close. What ever my HP chooses to do to help my son is his choice not mine. Whether or not my son accepts it is his choice not mine. If he ends up in jail, I will take comfort in knowing he is sober there and that his children will see him sober at least on visiting days.
