I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

My AH was terrific at finding my fears and exploiting them. I used to also feel terrified and out of control of my situation when the disease was targeting me.

It took me a lot of time to learn that I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior.

There were times where I felt strong enough to sit in my AH's presence and be his verbal punching-bag. The strength only came because I reminded myself clearly throughout the tirade that my HP was sitting right there with me and that this is only the disease and these are only words. I reminded myself, too, that my AH was extremely sick and afraid and I could feel glad that I wasn't in that place of fear.

There were times, though, where I knew I just needed to leave the room. I would stay with calm strength "I don't like how you're talking to me. I'm leaving the room now because this is going nowhere. We can talk about this later." And yes, my AH would follow me. First with words "By your leaving it tells me that I'm right!!!" (absolutely absurd). And sometimes he'd follow me out of the room with a few more barbs and I'd just have to ignore him - he'd eventually go off to pout or drink and fume some place else.

And then there were times where I knew I had to leave. I just really had to put my own sanity and care for my physical and emotional being before any concerns I may have had about the possibility of my AH destroying my stuff or locking me out or anything else like that. I made sure, though, when I left it was to drive straight to a meeting or to get on the phone with my sponsor or another Al-Anon member so I could talk.

I just have to remind myself that I'm not perfect. I may make the wrong choice three times out of five and choose to stay and be the verbal punching bag and take it all personal and feel sick and sad inside. But those other two times I remember I have my HP walking with me and I can persevere.

The only thing I would urge you to think upon is if you feel for any reason you are in danger of physical harm. I don't know the procedures where that's concerned, but please put your physical safety first above all. No monetary possession is worth sticking around and getting injured over.

Hi myself!

Your question already shows that you are on a path to your own recovery because you ask "how". In my own recovery, I used to ask "why". It took forever for me to get to "how".

I really believe the "how" is in working the steps in alanon. All too often our own thinking, emotions and spirit are so badly impacted by the alcoholism around us, we act insanely ourselves. This is a weak position from which to enjoy life and have inner peace. A huge part is letting go. I can't, He can, I think I'll let Him. Another huge part is listening for HP's will for you and following it. This took me a lot of time to get. I so often confused my will with HPs will - I'm such a control freak

Lastly, during the worst of the drinking, there were times when my AH lost control of his brain to the point where he became aggressive. Members here told me that even though he loves me, he may hurt me and my safety and my child's safety was paramount. So is yours. I was encouraged to make a plan B. Plan B was a packed bag in the trunk of my car - spare clothes, toiletries etc., a key hidden outside, to the car and house. A cell phone in my posession at all times to call for help (police) if needed. I also opened my own bank account and began having my pay check paid to it instead of a joint account. Lastly I got a PO Box for mail. Once, when my AH had gone over the edge, I called police and left the house until they arrived. I was at least a little prepared because I had my plan B. I never needed to use it again. My AH came back from the brink of insanity, oh so slowly and did not harm or threaten it. The other big insight I have looking back, was not to take it personally. This is not a reason to accept unnacceptable behavior, but it was clearly the disease trying to take his mind. He loved me so much and I was very hurt and wondered how he could do this to me if he loves me. The answer is in awareness of how powerful his disease was. But it was not more powerful than my HP because I had/have alanon.

Yours in recovery, Rocky

-- Edited by Rocky38 on Friday 30th of July 2010 05:32:06 AM

Is there a women's center nearby? I am sure there is, talk to them, they can help you tremendously! I went to one myself here and realized all the things my ex was doing was actually abuse. That said, I know that it is always good to have a bag in car as Rocky said and to make sure you are physically safe. Stuff is just stuff, you are more important than any of it. Leaving for the night may just be the catalyst for them to realize what they are doing. Take care of you!