To forgive is devine - Al-Anon Family Group

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

To forgive is devine

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad,

I can relate and for a long time I let something similar be a problem for me. Why was it me always saying I was sorry? I discussed the situation with my sponsor and was told: RLC it's part of the disease, and part of your program is acceptance....ask yourself how important is it....is it worth your serenity? The only reply I could come back with was.......Thank You.

HUGS,
RLC

myself · Member

That's all you want? I heard the other day that ,"I'm sorry" only counts the first time. After that it means nothing without a change in behavior. I so agree with it. Does it matter if they are sorrry,,,,I want to know if they will do it again...probably. Tonight my AH told me how I'm to blame for.......the list was huge....I cracked up laughing and told him wow I am more powerful then I ever knew if I can be responsible for all of that, especially as all I can control is myself and honestly, all he says I'm to blame for was other peoples actions (my grown children), Do I want an apology ? I dont as I dont care what he has to say, I know he is not in his rightt mind and won't be tomorrow either. I forgive myself and am ok with that alone. I have to let it go or I will just go crazy, I hope you can let it go and realize that sorry does not mean a thing compared to you peace of mind....only you and your HP can give you that.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I am reminded of Step One. Only instead of using the word alcohol, I insert the words "other people, places and things."

I do not have the ability nor control to make someone tell me they're sorry and mean it and never do it again. And I have a couple choices there, too. I can choose to be unhappy about that person for the rest of my life until I receive the apology I want, or I can move on with my life and find happiness despite it all.

I have learned that expectations lead only to disappointments. And for me, I have learned that expecting an apology from someone else is in essence my saying. "I cannot be happy until you change."

This program has taught me to stop looking to others for my own happiness. If I want to be happy, it all starts from the inside. I put the power of my emotions in other peoples hands if I wait around for them to change before I can live my life and be happy.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

My early sponsor led me into learning to forgive quickly and often because to not
do that mean't the pile of resentments would get taller and heavier. I don't like
resentments today and I got tired of hearing myself blame the alcoholic and
others for stuff along time ago. Waiting for an apology for me today is like
wearing the cloak of judgement. I'd rather go mow the lawn or do anything else
but. To forgive is better a second helping of soft shell tacos. The first helping
is devine. LOL no really. ((((hugs)))) smile

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

When an alcoholic is actively drinking, most of what comes out of their mouths are lies. It's the nature of the beast. When they place blame or accuse you of wrong doings, it takes your attention away from them. It is a protection mechanism of an addict. When you carry resentments, bitterness, anger, etc... it only hurts you. Let them go. Forgive... it will free your soul.

movinforward · Member

I can totally relate. If I let it go then I do not feel like I am dealing with the issue of the day. If I don't let them know that I have been hurt by their behavior, how can growth occur. This forgiveness stuff is very tricky and is a daily struggle for me. This is when the slogan one day at a time....heck, one hour at a time becomes a montra. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it helps to know I am not alone with this struggle. blankstare

DreamXL · Senior Member

I am reminded of that wonderful saying...resentments are like taking poisen and expecting the other person to die....
Forgiving has never been my strong suit because I confused it with it translating into...its ok what u did...it really has nothing to do with the other person.
Im sorry is an easy word to throw out there and without a change of behavior it is meaningless.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Why is it so hard to them to say "I'm sorry" -glad

Bc they are in denial. Why is it so hard for you to simply ~ accept him where he is and for what he is and stop expecting or wishing others to change - I wasted, put my life on hold (or so I told myself this) wishing others would make changes and get dynamic. But what was I doing - putting my life on hole for others that apparently arent changing for the better. I can only sit and blame them for my condition/state/perception for so long. It becomes a self punishment. You make the healthy change for you and accept others' weaknesses - only YOU can change you and make a difference on your life.

I used to get so mad hearing, happiness/peace is an inside job - but- thats the truth of it. If you dont like your life, the only thing stopping you from having the life you want is yourself. You do have choices and the first small steps will eventually lead into bigger ones.

Respect and honor yourself - when I quit compromisng me my life truly began to change. We cannot expect others to change, we have to do be the ones to do it and when we do, we get empowered. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.

-- Edited by kitty on Monday 2nd of August 2010 11:22:59 AM

tlcate · Senior Member

Wow . . . forgiveness. That was a really, really hard one for me and still is a bit today.

I had to really break it down. It has a couple of facets that can lead to a bit of trouble. First we want to give or receive forgiveness and have that magic wand waived and everything disappear and go back to how it was before . . . no consequences. Forgive and forget. How realistic is that?

We also want the transgressor to realize the pain caused, to feel it, to be sorry to the depths of their soul and change that behavior. How much control do we have over that? How is "I'm sorry" going to accomplish that? And how good does it make us feel to want the other person to suffer for the pain they caused us? Seems natural, but really it isn't very nice. (I am not pointing fingers here . . . I wanted my exA to burn in .... well you get the point)

Believe it or not, looking in the dictionary showed me the answer and it has already been said here several times. And it was to me many times, but I needed to actually have Websters spell it out.

1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>

It doesn't say anything about wiping the slate clean, starting over, forgetting, receiving amends . . . nothing. It is simply giving up the resentment. Doesn't mean that we accept the behavior. Doesn't mean we don't change our behaviors accordingly to take care of ourselves. Just stop feeling bad about the other person. Set your boundaries, enforce consequences, let them face the lack of trust they have earned - or we have earned for that matter. But drop the rock and move forward without resentment in your heart.

Not forgive and forget. . .

Forgive and L E A R N.

Just my take.

Tricia

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