The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My marriage is at a point where I'm actually grateful on the days there isn't a crisis and it proceeds normally. Of course normal in my marriage is zero affection form wife, zero help from wife and , zero common courtesy from the wife. The only saving grace is my daughter is wonderful and I love my little black dog. I'm trying to do things to take care of myself: I've lost 32 pounds since the holidays, exercising more, in therapy, on meds, pursuing some interests....and all his has amounted to....tada....about a 5% improvement in my life....I'm so unhappy I can't stand it. It seems the best I can do is distract myself from my unhappiness or not think about it. It seems impossible to actually look at my life and feel good. My best days are days when I dont' feel anything at all, at least there is no pain. Whatever little happiness I get is fleeting and short lived. I can feel good for a few minutes at a time but that's about it. Oh yea, the future looks dismal as well. Can't get out of the marriage now without hurting my daughter and screwing myself financially to the point where I'll be living in a cardboard box under a bridge. So I'm serving a 5 year sentence the end of which, I'll be able to have a slightly better situation. Ugh....getting depressed again....have to distract myself again.
I just have to say, I just got divorced after waiting 9 years through hell. My two children are just fine, and are adjusting to the change.
Don't stay in a marriage because you are afraid of what might happen, your HP will help walk you through.
Believe me, I am making very little money on my only 32 hour a week job, but everything has fallen into place as I take the steps away from the hurtful marriage I was in. Somehow everything has a way of working out. I have no savings, my pay check is small, I get no child support and yet I am doing it! You can too! When you are on the right path things have a way of working out :)
hi ((((yankees)))) I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. I don't have any magic words that will take away your pain, I sure wish I did. When I read one of your posts I just wish I could reach across the miles and give you a REAl hug. I hope that coming here is helping you some. I am new here but in the short time I've been here, I have received so much encouragement, advice, and love that it just blows me away! I pray that you can find the same.
Know that we care and please keep coming back here. Maybe something that one of these very wise people (not me!!) will be the trigger you need to help you start climbing out of the pit.
love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
(This quote is from my very favorite musician-James Taylor- from my very favorite song of his. It was written during one of his early attempts at re-hab and has been my mantra for many years.)
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Denise, that's so kind...it does make me feel a little better. I'm venting alot and my problems (as with others) are very real. But, I suspect I'm also ignoring what's good out there and focusing on the negative. Maybe I'll make a post about gratitude for what I do have. What kills me is that all I really wanted out of life was a happy family life and a job that would make that possible. I've got the job, but the family life is tense at best.
Hang in there. Focus more on you and your daughter than your wife. Plan fun things you can do with your daughter without your wifes involvement. Go to the movies, the park a little shopping spree while mom does her own thing. Not sure how old your daughter is but maybe time to explain what is going on. Of course the explaination should be age appropriate. I don't know the names, but I know there are books that explain this disease to children. It is important your daughter understand it is not her fault and she is not respondsible for mommy. I guess my best suggestion is to concentrate on the 2 of you and get healthier Blessings
Gosh so many recovery memories while reading this post...only one of them being able to learn how to give what it was that I wanted myself with and to the alcoholic wife. Learning how to say "I love you" while on the journey toward a divorce ...for the right reasons... Learning how to touch gently because kindness and unconditional love was one of the lessons I needed to learn. Learning how to detach with love rather then to detach with anger and the dis- interest. I learned this and more in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon while I was just hanging in there. I could learn while I just hung in there. I could listen to many other perspectives while I was just hanging in there. Another thing I learned while just hanging in there was that most of the negative stuff I was feeling came from inside of me and not outside of me...they were all and always a personal choice. Al-Anon taught me to have other choices.
There's a way of hanging without the dying. In support (((((Hugs)))))
i can only give you my ESH. Whether I left or stayed my life was going to be a disaster. One day at a time I did the next right thing. One of them was to work on a plan be, whether or not I implemented it, the planning and looking at my options (none of which I liked) helped.
I've been down there in the hole and there is a light at the end of it.
All I can say is keep coming here, and go to some face 2 face meetings if you can. I have gotten such tremendous support from my friends in Alanon when dealing with the chaos created by my AH, I really don't know where I would be without that support. If what's going on today had happened a year ago, I would probably be someplace crying and agonizing over things I am totally powerless over - namely, the actions (or inactions) of my AH.
Continue to take of yourself, your daughter and your dog and focus on the good things. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But, like I said, I can truly relate.
I feel you pain, I try to stay focussed and detached with my partner, but after yet another relapse I don't think I can continue in this relationship any longer. It helps neither of us and only causes pain, I don't want to hate or feel anger, I do love him and have compassion and empathy.... but these one way feelings can only go so far - whenever I am low that just becomes another excuse to 'act up'.
Maybe slowly through the people I see at meetings I am beginning to understand that this illness takes away the ability to love in the way that most of us need. It is painful and hard to consider ending a relationship that often in our own insanity we have fought to maintain. I pray to my HP daily to find the courage to do what is right
