The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am wondering why I didn't leave the first time he used any mind altering substance, but I didn't. ( Because I hoped it was just once). So here I am, I married him 3 years ago and now I only get a glimpse of who sober hubby is.
Somedays I can remember he is sick, others I wonder why I would pick a "loser". He wasn't always like this, we both had goals and similiar spirituality and recovery. I so hate this disease, addiction, it's ugly and hurtful.
I am trying to take care of myself, one day at a time. I feel depressed and frustrated lately. It will pass. Trying to listen to my HP and do the next indicated thing. It's hard. I am watching the progression of this disease and it seems to be going quickly.
I think today I am just depressed and a little hopeless. I will pray and just keep doing. Call an alanon person, see if she wants to go have coffee or something. Get out of the house and out of my head. That's a good idea.
I will work on forgiving my humaness and remember that I am ok today. I am safe and have a roof over my head. I have choices, I don't like the ones I have but they are mine and I will contemplate them with help from my HP the answers will come when it is time. In the mean time I will be kind to myself.
You sound like how I feel often....I too wonder how I chose a person who's goal in life now seems to be to make me miserable. I kicked myself many times for "should have known better" etc. And while I'm not quite letting myself off the hook, I also realize we did the best we could at the time and like you, there seemed to be a chance for recovery as she was working the program for a while. She abruptly stopped a few years later (when it got hard and she had to face some real personal demons), ergo all our current problems. How did I marry a loser who makes me miserable? I don't know, but at the time it didn't look like a terrible choice and I realize, I was somewhat broken as well and probably not capable of making a good choice. What do I do now? Well divorce would be suicidal for me right now so I'm just working on myself...it's the only thing I have control over.
Sounds like you cant stand your wife. What exactly is your wife's problem, you said she doesnt drink, doesnt do drugs, etc.
You mentioned you are on anti depressants, is that because of the marriage or are you generally depressed?
Generally there is someting good about a relationship with an A, usually when they are sober, they are nice reasonable people. When drunk there the opposite. Even with all that going on, yes we have to work on ourselves. Are you saying that when you are working on yourself, you do not respond to her moods and your in a generally good mood.
Is your wife verbally abusive to your daughter??
What is your reaction to your wife. Does she know you dont like her? This cant be good for your daughter. You say you cant leave for the sake of your daughter, yet it leaves her in vulnerable position. Are you playing Martyr???
I am confused and really trying to help , but I need to understand more.
((( Miss Carol ))) - yes, be gentle on yourself. You wouldn't be nearly so hard on your best friend, would you? I know you wouldn't. So why is the standard for yourself so much higher?
You are a good person - and human. There are no perfect humans. Going down the "shoulda coulda woulda" road leads to bitterness and despair - turn back now!! :)
Clearly your program is working - if you're doing the next right thing and trying to listen to your HP, you're using your good tools.
My sponsor told me that when I feel very irritated or frustrated and I think it's because of someone else's behavior, to pray for that person. At first I tried it but I wasn't sincere. It was a more or less sarcastic, "HP, I'm praying for ___ because my sponsor told me to." Over time, the sincerity started to creep in a little and now it's easier. This helps me keep perspective, and to remember that, just like I am not perfect, nobody else is either. This is my ESH - it really works!! :)
