The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a newbie to the program, I just started going to meetings 3 weeks ago. My boyfriend was in a treatment center this past winter/spring and "planted the seed" that it may be good for me. I'm not exactly sure how to begin here so I'll just jump in..
He and I got engaged in February and I found out I was pregnant in April. He was very excited and we got an apartment together. He got a full-time job, we were both enrolled in school; everything was looking up. Well, by the last week of June he had relapsed. He is not an alcoholic but is addicted to drugs. The last time that he relapsed, he stole from me, his mother, friends etc. and once I noticed his behavior this time I broke the lease on our apartment within 2 days of his relapse and left to go live with my father and stepmother. I didn't want to have more things stolen from me and scary characters in and out of the apartment, especially with me being 6 months pregnant now.
He wound up coming to my parent's house, promising to get back in his program. That lasted 8 hours before he was jonesing so terribly I had to lock him out of the house and call the police. He had to go to court for this event a few weeks ago and the judge sentenced him to 3 years probation, random drug testing, to complete a rehab program and take parenting classes. What a blessing.
But after almost a week in rehab, yesterday he got himself kicked out. In the past 24 hours, despite not having a vehicle, he has found his way 70 miles to his relatives homes and stolen from them to buy drugs. I refused to have him here because I know he has to hit his bottom and there is nothing I can do to help him, even if he wants help for a moment because he is so volatile with heroin and cocaine in his system...
I know that I have to be strong and not play the victim here. It's just so terrifying to be 19, pregnant, have him risking his life out there when this is a time we should be spending together. Especially because literally one day he was going to meetings and sober, the next selling our dvds for crack; it happens so fast and it's hard to adjust. I'm also confused because the little voice inside of me is saying to forget him, but I want to have hope he'll get better on his own. I just don't want to bring a child into this situation and have it repeating itself a few years down the line if he were to get better... I guess going to meetings and reading my books will eventually put everything into perspective for me, the process is just a little lonely and scary at first.
This process is about you and your child thats on the way. Your with your Parents so that is good. You need to be protected at this time. Your very young and sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
It will help you immensely if you keep attending the Alanon or Narconon meetings and come back to our MIP board. What do your parents say?? They should attend with you. To give you support and to help them and you understand this horrible addiction. This is a very serious situation . He is at the stage of stealing and doing anything he can to get his drugs.
My second husband was a cocaine addict at the end of our marriage, he broke into my apartment and stole all my jewelry and started a fire. He was like an animal. I had to move to a room in a home and he wouldnt know where I was. Drugs make them paranoid and psychotic. I dont mean to scare you , but this is the reality of an addict.
Please take this serious enough to know that you have your life ahead of you and a new one that is coming into this world that depends on you. You will never be able to depend on the addict.
Im wishing you strength and courage and wisdom and to pray to your HP for the life that you deserve. Hugs, Bettina
Welcome to MIP, I'm glad you found us. You have your Al-Anon family and guess what? Now you have found a new loving caring family. You don't have to be alone anymore.
It's O.K. to rant and it's perfectly O.K. to feel like you do. We all come to MIP and Al-Anon because we are effected by someone else's drinking or addiction. You have already taken a big first step by attending f2f meetings, and reading your literature.
It's a cruel unforgiving and insane disease, takes no prisoners and destroys everyone it touches. There is nothing you or anyone else can do for your A. He has to suffer the consequences of his choices.
Your responsibility is to take care of yourself first, that way you will be able to take care of your baby that is on the way.
Keep coming back to MIP. Get to as many f2f meetings as possible. Stay after the meetings and talk to some of the old timers. Seek their ES&H. Your life will get better. Not overnight. But one day at a time. Turn your BF over to his HP and put all the focus on yourself. Susie you are on the right track. This program works it you work it.
Stay focused on you, that baby needs you and you need you. You are not alone, and as I am finding out, being new to this as well, everyone here and in the alanon meetings has been wonderful and excepting. You have to be the change you are looking for. Take care of yourself and stay strong!
YOu've done the right thing here. YOu must move on with your life, whether he gets better or not because you have two other people who will truly need you and be deserving of your love and attention...your baby and You.
Welcome (((Susie))) So glad you are here and so sorry that you are having to go through all this pain at what should be the most joyous time of your life. I am glad to hear that you are with your mom and step-dad. So many don't have that option.
I am fairly new here myself and the only thing I can add to what's already been said is that here you have found a true 'family' who understands and really cares about all that is going on with you. It has been a wonderful feeling for me to know that I have all these friends here and can come and chat with them anytime. The on-line meetings are a great help to me, too.
Please come back and keep us informed on how things are going with you.
love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
So glad that you are reaching out for help. I was pregnant too when I found out my husband was back to his addictions. It's scary for all the obvious reasons, and maybe most of all because I had heard how hard it was to take care of a baby. I thought, "If I have to do this alone, can I do this alone? Will I go crazy from exhaustion, be so tired that I forget to feed the baby, forget and leave the baby someplace, be so overwhelmed that somehow I neglect the baby?" I'm here to tell you that it wasn't totally a walk in the park but it is doable. I didn't have any family nearby either. The main problem is that you have to get used to all the things necessary to take care of a baby -- the bathing, carrying, diapering, feeding -- they're all new and it takes time to catch up and feel confident. But women have done it for thousands of years (millions of years?), and soon it will be second nature for you too.
What I'd also wished someone had told me is the percentage of addicts who manage to overcome their addictions. It's something like 25%. That's of the ones who go for help. (Others never even try.) And often -- usually -- they overcome their addictions only after years of trying. I kept having that hope that mine would, especially with a baby and a great new life in store. But it's harder than you can imagine. Many people don't manage it even when their very lives are at stake. I don't say this to be depressing (even though it is depressing), but because I wish someone had spelled it out for me up front. I kept believing my ex that he was about to get sober, stop gambling, stop hoarding, etc. etc. Because he truly believed it. He went through treatment programs and AA and would quit for a while, and I kept getting my hopes up... But ultimately he did not make it. Maybe he will someday, who knows? If only 25% overcome their addictions, that's still thousands of people. But I've learned that I have to let him live his life on his own schedule, and not put my life on hold waiting. I found life as a single parent was so much more stable and calm and doable than life with an addict.
What helped me most was support and resources. You sound very resourceful so I hope you can gather those around you. Al-Anon is great. Check into parenting groups and single-parent groups and parenting forums and those things. There's nothing like people going through the same thing. I made some very close friends that way, and we exchange childcare, because there's also nothing for your sanity like having some time off. Also it's important for your relationship with your guy that you feel you can do fine on your own -- that way if you're with him, it will be because it's good for you, not out of fear or having nowhere else to turn.
Thank you all so much for the support! Everything you had to say helped me very much. Thanks.
Although I seriously considered checking myself into a mental hospital, I went to a meeting instead. Then again last night I though I might go literally insane but I asked my HP for help! I've been really immersing myself in asking my HP for help & reading and I'm actually making friends in the program quickly. I lose my serenity a lot but I'm getting better at starting my hour, not day, over. And my little one seems to kick around an awful lot more when I'm relaxed and forgetting about his dad's actions (ugh!); that only makes it more exciting to meet him.
Also, I found a really great quote in a pamphlet that's been helping me let go of him and accept his addiction, "By yielding you may obtain victory."
