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For six weeks I supported him and brought the kids every weekend to visit and now hes home and already drinking and lyeing. He went to treatment on his own b/c he said he finally realized what his life had become. I havent gotten mad or yelled, Ive been sympathetic and let him know I was here if he needed to talk. Tonight Im just defeated, this disease has taken over him and hurt so many people in the process. I just want to scream. Maybe its time to walk away.
It is devastating when the opportunity to get and stay sober slips through the hands of the alcoholic. I've seen it myself many times unfortunately. My AH had several rounds of inpatient and outpatient rehab and it was a similar story. I have heard from others here that this isn't always the case, and there is hope for you and the alcoholic.
Several of the counselors my AH worked with in rehab encouraged us to come up with a family contract. If you show signs of a relapse, then I will ........ We had these contracts in place, I did what my AH asked. I don't know if it helped, but he relapsed anyway. This was another reminder to me of my own powerlessness. Even when the action I was to take was "sanctioned" by the rehab and my AH!
My only action that had any impact at all, for me was, you guessed it, getting myself to alanon. I gave up trying to influence the alcoholic (well as best I could with the recovery I had) and focused on my own sanity.
I can't say whether it's time to leave, that's between you, your HP and your AH. But I hope that regardless of what you do, you can jump off the carousel and take care of yourself.
As my Grandmother use to say, you will get another jewel on your crown. Nothing we do for others is ever wasted. Not when its from the heart.
It doesnt mean you have to keep on doing it. It doesnt say in Alanon that we should be sympathetic to their disease or support it. We have to find that line of boundary and keep it at all times. I never heard of any alcoholic talking himself sober. Its better that he doesnt make promises that he cant keep. Sounds like you have to start doing for you. A relationship with an A cannot be off balance. Any relationship for that matter. I know an alcoholic relationship is so draining and so one sided as there is never enough to give to an A, its bottomless.
If you want to scream, give out one big scream!!!! Your allowed. After that start taking back your life. Alanons the one to help you with that.
Wishing you strength , courage and wisdom, Luv, Bettina
Aloha Snow...Consider walking away and into the very first Al-Anon Family Group meetings you can get to. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book and get the hotline number for Al-Anon and don't be afraid to call as early as you can. Him getting to rehab and you not having any support is one sided and deadly. Call that number and get the places and times of the meetings in your area and come sit with us.
There is lots and lots to learn and one of them is you are powerless of him and this disease so offering him the opportunity to come and talk doesn't mean anything when you don't have information for yourself. Better that he have some one in AA who understands this disease from a life in and out of it than you a wrecked spouse of an alcoholic. Best to just go off into a large open lot and scream your head off for 2-3 minutes and then go to a meeting. The MIP fellowship here can and does help and we would like to meet you face to face in the meeting rooms.
Your rehab experience (and his) is most usual...stick around an tell the new comers with the same story that you also understand.
One of my great freedoms was knowing that when they relapsed I didn't have to relapse with them!!
You can continue on your own path of recovery, self-care, personal growth and journey into what is healthy and wise for YOU, regardless of his choices.
MIP, Al-Anon, recovery literature, healthy recovery friends and my relationship with my HP ~ helps me in that journey -
Wishing you peace, love, joy and serenity,
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there too. My AH was in and out of rehab several times in a period of about 8 months. He'd go through it and then get out and drink. I have no doubt that when he made the decision to go he was serious and wanted help.
I like the thing Rocky said about getting off the carousel ride. The disease really is a carousel ride - going around in circles again and again and again. It's a wonderful thing when you take your power back through the rooms of Alanon (or get your power in the first place, as it was with me - I never realized I had power to change things before I began my own recovery). Alanon won't tell you whether to stay or go, and won't judge you for whichever decision you make for yourself.
Also, although I believe that alcoholism is a disease, I don't believe that blaming bad behavior on a disease is a free pass to walk all over me. I had to learn how to set some boundaries for myself. I decided that I could not live with the things going on in my house when my AH was drinking and asked him to leave for a time. We did not divorce and he has now been sober for about 16 months. I value each day of sobriety, however, because as you know, it is not guaranteed. The disease may rear its ugly head at any time. The silver lining for me is that I don't live and die by whether he's sober or not anymore - and I did for a long, long time.
do you have a copy of Getting them Sober. Its offered at the top of this page. Please get one. Expectations are everything. I crashed so many times expecting an active alcoholic to be normal.
I dont know if your attending meetings for yourself f2f , if not please find some in your area before u make a life altering decission and ending your marriage . in six months u may feel completly different. you will know when its time to go or when its okay to stay . its one of those you'l know moments (hated it when sponsor used to tell me that ) but she was right . He is only doing what alcoholics do - drink !! this truly is a disease and at the moment it is running his life . get busy focus on your needs get your life back on track and u will be ok regardless of what he does . it only takes one person to create change and we cannot wait for them to *get the message* thinking of you today . Louise
