The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently finding this program very hard. I know that it is the only way and that I need to keep working it, but its getting harder.
I think Im experiencing some sort of a withdrawal from my alcoholic ex-girlfriend. I havent heard from her in a month. She was doing her step work in AA and was advised to have no contact with me. We have had very little contact the last three months since she broke up with me and I have to accept that Im no longer a part of her life.
I fear that she has forgotten me or even worse; think that her life is much better without me. I have seen that I wasnt always the best boyfriend, Most of all after last summer, when she dumped me after having ended up in bed with another man. They dated for about one and a half month. During that time she started taking drugs, lost respect for herself and ended up taking an overdose.
We got back together after that, but I felt like I was always pushing it. She said sometimes that the only reason she dated me was because she felt she had to in order not to loose me as a friend. Friend was not good enough for me, and when we dated I wanted us to move in together. Always one step in front of her and never really satisfied. A thought came to me today, which is keeping me awake tonight. I was thinking that the only times she really seemed like she was into me was when she felt scared or alone.
She offered me to move in with her not long before she broke up. I was so happy. I thought that we finally could get things right. I bought most of her furniture and helped her with her deposit on the flat and the first months rent. Then she started to want to stay there alone as much as possible because she needed to be more independent. I agreed, but I didnt expect her to dump me in the end.
If this is true, its like I have been living on a big lie. When she broke up with me, she said that she just didnt fancy me any more.
It makes me think that I was just a big saviour for her when she was in a bad state. I used to love that role, to be able to save her. Its so ironic.
Although I know deep inside me that she never meant to hurt me, I cant help but feeling tricked and used.
Since I got into Al-Anon I havent been thinking like this much, and Im really trying my best. I missed a meeting yesterday due to misunderstandings in my family. (I needed a lift to the meeting). I was feeling terrible today, so I found the courage to call a guy in Al-Anon in Norway. I have never met him, but a lady in Al-Anon gave me his number and said I should be talking to another man. It was good to talk to him, but he didnt say very much about himself, so it was a bit hard to trust him. He also said that Im doing well, something I find very hard to see myself these days.
I have to stop waiting for my ex-girlfriend to contact me. She might not do it at all. I have already decided that I cant contact her, at least not while Im feeling all these old resentments resurfacing. It makes me scared; scared that I can go from being bitter to being angry. My ex-girlfriend is such a lovely person. She doesnt deserve it, even though I dont speak to her.
Its really getting messed up in my head this. Im not living in the moment any more
Since I joined Al-Anon I have managed to change so much. All my relations to people I have contact with seem to improve, but my head is still stuck on my ex-girlfriend. I thought I was getting better, but ever since the three weeks was over, when she was doing her step work, I have found it harder and harder. I cant go on like this. Something has to change
Thank you all for being here. I dont enjoy being pessimistic like this, but I know it helps to share it.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I can't go on like this ,somthing has to change ? ummmmm that would be YOU. When I was able to accept that the alcoholic in my life did nothing to me that I didnt allow , resentments went away . Like it or not we teach people how to treat us ,the alcoholic was only doing what worked for them, so cannot place blame there anymore. the question i asked myself often was * what in hell is the matter with you , what were u thinking *
You said "I was thinking that the only times she really seemed like she was into me was when she felt scared or alone." Now, who knows if that is true -- our fears play tricks with our sense of reality. But if it were true that she's only able to sense her need for connection when she's vulnerable -- if she's too damaged to be a good partner at this point in her life -- well, it is what it is (if it is). It doesn't say anything about you. Or even about your relationship with her.
But also -- ""I was thinking that the only times she really seemed like she was into me was when she felt scared or alone." I wonder if you could reverse the pronouns? Lots of what I interpreted as true love and great passion at the time was fear and vulnerability. Not to say that strong and healthy people don't need loved ones. A need for connection is part of being human. But a craving need for one particular connection, no matter how problematic -- that's different, that's more like an addiction. It's like all our need for love, acceptance, peace and serenity gets wrapped up into one thing and we think one person (or one substance) is the answer for it all. But it never, never is. The answer is much bigger than that.
I hope you can make more contact with others in the program and keep taking care of yourself. Hang in there! We're with you.
' ''Its really getting messed up in my head this. Im not living in the moment any more."
There you go Cosmos!! good program work...good inventory and attempts to follow thru. How I stay in the moment is when I find myself slipping back into the past...I stop and come back and then stop again and come back. For me it's about practice, practice, practice doing the next right thing no matter what. HP is always willing to give me an extra push as long as I continue to practice.
Cosmos, I fear your getting it, and whats more so am I too, thanks to shares like this, and the the replies that follow.
My relationship with my husband was the whole focus of my life for years and years, I can see quite clearly only just today how I must have suffocated that man, he couldn't win with me what ever he did, because I gave him complete power over my feelings, and also wanted to try and control his, maybe the root for me lies in wanting to create a perfect family, coming from disfunction myself and growing up in home where it was a daily struggle for everyone to survive, and they didn't celebrate the good very often it was all doom and gloom, and when chaos didn't happen it was created, in my attempt to overcome this I know I chose someone broken like me, I thought I know we can fix each other, you can't though you can't live your life through someone else, I have resented my husband so so much for not realising how lucky he was to have me but today I think shame on you Katy, I am not sure why today I feel differently, why my head is being sensible and realsitic for a change, maybe by just dealing with completely what is instead of chasing rainbows, I like that saying about trying to be who you want to attract, I have missed many opportunities in my life by spending days sulking and feeling sorry for myself, because he never did this never did that, it was very convneient for me to lay all this blame at his feet that way I could always play the victim role, and convince myself I was entitled to feel this way.
I am sorry if I have hijacked your thread a tad Cosmos, and I congratulate you at the speed in which your recovery is progressing, and thankyou for reminding me that my happiness is in my own hands now and not subject to what anyones else thinks does or cares, it's mine all mine.
I agree you are doing fine. Keep on Living in the day, doing your lists and showing up for ARE. Remember the 3 As Acceptancve is the hardest. Once we really acceptance the action Let Go and Let God really does work
I just want to share something my sponsor always told me early in recovery when I said exactly what you said.... " its getting harder."
She would respond," Of course it is, (gladlee,) because the disease does not want to die. The closer we get to HP in recovery, the harder our disease has to work to keep us stuck."
That helped me because it often feels like my mind is a battleground... my will vs. hp's will.
She also taught me to stop praying for outcomes, so instead of praying that our relationship would work out, I prayed for my serenity and for the highest good. Then, I had to let go and trust.
It doesn't sound to me as though you are losing it, my friend. It sounds like you are going sane. Feels a little uncomfortable at first, but it really does get better.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm feeling a bit better since I wrote my first posts. Your replies help so much.
My feelings are still a bit up and down. I feel disappointed from time to time because my ex-girlfriend don't seem to want us to be friends. I agree that acceptance is the hardest of the three A's I keep doing the right things, and I know it keeps me away from even more pain. Still I feel like I need to act different from what comes most naturally for me.
I know that if I keep this up, I will eventually let go of my ex-girlfriend. I will never forget her, but she will be nothing more than memmories and not there to create any new ones with me. This is how it must be, not what I want. But that's the tricky bit; what I want is not right. I can't controll other peoples choises.
I still see my ex-girlfriend as someone very special. She is that to me because she has influenced my life more than anyone outside my family. It is hard to think of her as no one special, just one of many.
I don't see other girls like her at all. I have no interest in getting in any new relationships. I am actually glad I don't, because I need to focus on me now. Earlier I have felt a panic where I fear that no one will ever love me in a warm way again (the love that is only for two people). Love is such a wide word in english. I can say that many people love me (/like family and friends), but in Norway we have two ways of saying I love you. The way we express love for a partner can't be used in any other situation.
I believe that my life will go towards being much more stable now. I might be overall more happy if I allow it, but not extatic. And who knows, maybe I deep down enjoied the many crisis and sleepless nights I had while dating my ex...
Thank you all again for being here.
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
