Love myself???? Is that enough?????? - Al-Anon Family Group

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Love myself???? Is that enough??????

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello MJH,

I completely understand. For me, learning to love myself gives me the confidence and healthy behaviors that attract healthy people. I do not believe that we are meant to be alone. I believe love is one of the core foundations to happiness as a sentient being.

But I also believe that true love is pure, without selfishness, without expectations and manipulations. Acceptance of what is. If that starts with myself there is a quality about me, you have met those people, calm - secure - happy people who believe in themselves. Once that becomes an automatic, once I practice that art of acceptance and understanding with myself - doing it with others becomes easier.

When I love myself I also take the necessary steps to protect myself. I don't want my daughter in a bad relationship with an abusive person. Why would I let myself? Why is loving myself as much as I love her not feasable? It is!!! I deserve it, so do you!

The big thing for me was that I felt my parents where not hands on, or more to the point that they loved me and protected me. I spent all my adult life up to now waiting for that man to come along and do that. Once I got into recovery, I did a lot of reading and there was quite a bit about the "hurt child inside". Now being an EXTREMELY logic based person, this sounded nuts. But the more time I spent thinking about it, the more I identified those feelings in myself stemming from my childhood and my continued search for someone else to fix them, the more I realized I could be the adult that takes care of that child. I look back and can't believe I did it, but I did. I let her know it was OK and that I was here to take care of her, to help her heal, to hold her when she cried, to walk through the pain and accept it for what it is. I came out the other side much stronger with a much deeper love for myself. If I am whole to start with I can be better in a relationship. If I am seeking a relationship to make me whole then . . . well let's just say that doesn't always work out and leads to some disappointment.

Is loving yourself enough? For today, it is enough for me. And today is all I am worried about. If something comes along in the future and I have that worked out, chances are that whatever comes along will work out much better than if I am not in that place.

Just my take.

tlc

Goodtillitsbad · Veteran Member

HUGS
I think that the different this time around is that you have program. Al Anon and F2F meetings can show you that you are never alone. You have your HP and you have other members (like us on here) to help you not feel so alone.
I've started to love myself because I now realize that I ALWAYS have my HP with me and he loves me unconditionally, why can't I do the same for myself?
We all have doubt about what the future holds, have you tried just loving yourself for today?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I, too, have experienced the thoughts and doubts you express in your posts. I do not believe we are meant to be alone. I felt lonely in my marriage to my A and now I'm lonely as a single mom. Rebuilding my life is an overwhelming challenge- it is not the first time that I feel like I just jumped off of a cliff. I'm not through it yet, but the worst of the dark feeling does pass. Time is not rushed.

All I ever wanted in life was a loving family of my own. God did not grant it to me (yet) as I wished it, but he did bless me with a most wonderful daughter. My young- adult daughter would describe me as strong, independent, beautiful, good personality with a quirky sense of humor, who worries too much. I'd like to say it is all true, but I am familiar and imbalanced with (too much?)independence and the worry.

Dating requires a lot of effort; maybe partly because of where I am at emotionally, and, partly because I am not meeting someone who is on the same page. I did meet a few nice people, and, I do find that encouraging.

I don't have answers and I am working on strengthening my faith. The best I can think of is to improve myself, keep my soul nourished with as many positive things as possible, and hope that I find a life partner that is a great fit. If a partner does not happen along, I will still have a full life.

I hope this helps.

Keep coming back and give this program time- it does work.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I was always loving to get love in return. That isnt how it works - that's manipulative and that is what you get in return - a manipulative dynamic. Truth was I didnt know how to love myself, as I grew up in chaos, dysfunction & codependency.

But I was in denial that I was focusing on others and attempting to control them. So until you stop focusing on what you're getting and look at what you are offering. No one wants a martyr, we want a partner that is dynamic and fun and healthy. Part of being healthy is having boundaries and respect. When u try to control others, you are not only invalidating them but ur conveying judgement on them bc they arent acceptable and good enough as they are. If you are doing that to others, it is likely you are doing it to you as well.

When I got to program I was told to forget what I knew and open my mind. If you are hurting and dont know what to do - dont do anything. To be healthy we have to feel - deal - heal. All individuals get to walk our own walks and make our lives. Take some time out to get to know you, who you are, how you feel and what you need. If u dont heal from the relationship(s) you are doomed to repeat the same patterns until you face you and get honest about it, brutally honest. Accpet you where you are, then you change based on what your true needs are (not ur wants, fantasies).

Personally, I think you (everyone) needs healthy strong boundaries to date, period. I changed a lot of how I was thinking about dating with my last bf and Im happy to report the relationship is going strong.

I used to try to force and cajole my relationships. They unfold on their own quite beautifully but if I never took the time to get to know me (with honor, value, respect, integrity) by going through the process of recovery from other people and become truly intimately known to me, inside of me and begin to master myself - I'd have never known that. Truth is anything worth having is worth working for & waiting for. Turns out being demanding and impatient isnt very emotionally mature. Life is to be enjoyed and loved, not forced, rushed and chaotic. Who knew? lol I got busy working to become the sort of partner I wanted to attract.

I was overcome with anxiety and I worried incessantly for most of my life. We are powerless over so much -but- not over ourselves. What iff-ing only feeeds fear into the disease and takes you away from making a positive constructive step for you... the only one you can change & control.

I used to spend all of my energy focused on what was driving me nuts - now I focus on the solutions and what I am doing to make my life better, happier and more peaceful. Whatever you focus on, grows!

-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 28th of July 2010 12:05:47 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

In our literature there is alot on self -love , all I know is that if you dont love yourself you cannot love another ,you cant give what you don't have .
there is a difference between self love and in love with ones self .
Yrs ago in sobriety I was having a rough time staying in my marriage , after talking with someone she said to make a list of things I needed from my husb to stay , a week later we went for lunch i presented her my list and after a few min she looked at me and said Impressive !!! then she said are you prepared to give this in return ?? wow she had me .

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Thanks everyone....I'm working on it....I have no choice because I'm the only one I can control....will that be enough...I guess we'll see...in the meantime I'll hold onto a little skepticism

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Mjhyankees,

Nothing wrong with wanting nice companionship or a good relationship, I think we all want that.

Been separated for two years and I find Im not ready for one or if I ever will be.

So why havent you taken the action for a new relationship? What is stopping you? Yes, I agree you can only love yourself so much.

I always say , try to help others and get out of yourself is very helpful. I really thing that is the answer, while your waiting for that great relationship. Pray for it, it will happen.

Luv, Bettina

ythannah · Senior Member

As an ACoA with chronically low self-esteem, I struggled with the notion that I would have to learn to love myself -- that seemed like a pretty tall order, an unattainable goal.

And, like Kitty says in her post, most of my behaviour in relationships was geared toward "making" someone love me. An expert at reading the moods of others because of growing up in an alcoholic home, I used that knowledge to anticipate my partners' needs and wishes, and mold myself into their definition of a Dream Woman. Later in the relationship I would start to resent my own loss of authenticity and blame the relationship itself, without acknowledging that I had willingly done it to myself.

But that's the danger in not loving yourself: you can allow someone else to define YOU, by the qualities that they deem "worthy". Which, in an alcoholic relationship, can often mean that you get love for not setting boundaries, for enabling, and for caretaking -- because those are the things that make the A's life easier.

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble. Somebody managed to reframe the idea of loving myself by suggesting that, if I couldn't quite get to love, perhaps I should start with accepting myself. That's something I can work with.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.