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Funny my first time through alanon, about 10 years ago (was involved for 5 years or so), my higher power felt real, was a source of comfort and I believed in him. This time, I'm not feeling it. I feel abandoned by my HP, or that he's ineffectual. It's such a part of recovery that I dont' know how to move on without working out that step. I just have no faith that "everything will turn out ok"...I actually believe that I'll be miserable till the day I die...I dont' want that and I'm doing everything i can at the moment but having hit age 50 (which may have it's own issues), I'm just out of hope. Used it all up in my 30's. Got through the first half of my 40's but in the latter half emptied the bank account of all hope. Don't know how i'm going to do this.
I was reading just yesterday about this HP thing. I am not sure about it only because I have had a few different types of spirituality and now I look to nature.
I have trouble making and sticking to my decisions, often seeking out other people's thoughts and approval for my decisions and then feeling guilty if I don't follow what they say I should do. You said that you have no faith in "everything will turn out ok". I have decided to free myself by embracing the fact that I can make a decision that I feel is the best and that whatever happens after I go through with it, my HP will be there to walk with me, even if it sucks or isn't exactly the best outcome. I can't control the future. I am powerless over it.... I am powerless over what other people think or feel about my decisions. I can learn to not react to what they say and just respond when I feel there needs to be a response.... I have suffered through my whole 35 years with depression, panic attacks and anxiety. I am just now learning how to be free from that and I think that at any age a person can find happiness... Good luck to you!
Kinda sorta sounds like you're putting road blocks in the way of finding and following you're HP. For me it isn't about age or any other stuff; it's about abandoning myself without reservation and with all the warts, and stuff. You can only do your part of the relationship...HP does his/her own. Getting into the program after a while I realized that my HP had never left. It was I that built the buffers and barriers in the relationship. I went at it alone and had to learn how not to do that anymore. Today I don't do that anymore. My HP and I go thru the good, the bad and the ugly together. At times my HP asks me the question "Ayyyy how'd you like that miracle?" and we laugh at it together. At other times I can hear my HP say "that sucks" before I can even think it and I know that I am not alone; ever again, my choice and HP's.
You have one just have to drop each and every barrier that's been erected while at the same time turning aroung and looking behind you to find HP there cause the solution maybe that you were trying to outrun your HP.
Take your time and listen and let others lead you. In support (((((hugs)))))
well its been my experience that what I think I create ,thus your statement * I believe I will be miserable for the rest of my life * Bloom Where Your Planted * is a statement that changed my attitude and life , not ready to leave > cant leave for what ever reason ? stay and get happy right where your at , what a concept that was. I also believe alot in acceptance - If you cant accept it- Leave it and if you cant leave it , you damn well better find away to accept where your at wise words from my sponsor along time ago. Louise
I don't know...it's sort of a self fulfilling prophecy....you have to pretend to believe in something if you dont'.....I used to......for real....for now I'd have to fake it.
Your HP, can be anyting u want it to be, whatver works for you. I like Maize's concept of using nature, that is part of how I do think of it. To me it is all living things but purely loving and creative energy.
I know when I am mad at HP and resisting - it causes me a lot of pain. When I open my mind and accept things as they come, it is easier. I do know that I can surrender any unwanted feelings and hand them over willingly and they are immediately received, relieved. Sometimes it can take a while if I am hanging on.
It is said that fear is the opposite of faith. Just practise being in this moment and when you get over whelmed or worried, surrender it. I had to pray for a lot of willingness in the beginning bc I really could only see my side and my way.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I struggle, you struggle, if everybody was honest they struggle with faith. Don't buy into this that people have it together, and that they think their HP is always by their side.
I don't know...it's sort of a self fulfilling prophecy....you have to pretend to believe in something if you dont'.....I used to......for real....for now I'd have to fake it.
Actually, yes. One of the alanon sayings is "fake it 'til you make it". Faking it to get started is much better than no start at all. It may feel foolish or unnatural in the beginning, but moving out of a comfort zone tends to be, well, uncomfortable.
My HP is there for me in good times and bad. How do I know that? I just do, and that is all that matters, because I have faith that HP is always with me. HP is a power much greater than myself.
Life throws many curves at us. Not in all cases, but in most cases when difficulties happened in my life, if I take an honesty look back, choices I made played a big part in those circumstances occurring. It usually comes to me after the fact that I left HP on the shelf and tried the "go it alone" program. How many times over the years have I proved to myself that program doesn't work.
Life is not perfect....life knocks us all down from time to time.....the problems come when we decide not to get up.
The Al-Anon program suggest that we have a higher power who ever or what ever that might be. Fake it till you make it. Ask a HP for guidance and direction, your subconscious mind and HP hear the words as truth and action is taken. Thinking positive and believing that "it" will turn out for the best works. Thinking negative and knowing "it" will happen works also. It's our choice.
I'm speaking for myself. I might not always have it together, but I have faith that HP can put it back together for me. I believe that.....and know that it is so.....for me that is what matters.
I have had many times I couldn't feel any higher power and it was because I thought I could be my own, when I feel that way now I like to think my hp is just peeping at me and saying, oh Ok Katy take it back if you want to, I'll just sit quiet until you need me again, I am doing it less and less these days as I think 50 years of trying to be my own hp is whey enough, I don't even have to think I have an hp now I just know I feel I have, an invisable safety net, always always there to catch me when I take a leap of faith. And I think the new forty is 50, it is for me anyways, Yay!
Hi ((((mjhyankees))) The comforting thing for me is knowing that whether I believe in Him or not, my HP is still there! In my 52 years, I have run the gamut of feelings toward Him including anger, disbelief, and apathy. What's amazing to me is that He doesn't seem to mind and He loves me anyway. About a month ago my AH had a relapse after a year and a half of sobriety. I was SO angry at my HP, I felt He had personally let me down. I went on a week long pity party, laid in bed and tried to sleep away all the pain. When I was awake, I was ranting at my HP, when I recognized His existance at all, that is. After a week of this, I had come to the decision that I was leaving my AH once and for all. I had it all worked out.
I spent yet another sleepless night alternately making my get-away plans and praying to/ cursing at my HP. He didn't seem to be listening, the only answer that kept coming to me was, "Whatever you do, do it with love" and that wasn't what I wanted to hear-I wanted to hurt my AH as badly as he had hurt me. The next morning, I decided to catch my AH as soon as he woke up (to ensure that he was sober for the moment) and tell him about my plans for leaving. I had a whole "I'm out of here" speech planned. Before I went to talk to him, I just said a little prayer (FAKING it because at that point I was pretty sure He wasn't listening, if He was there at all). I asked that whatever came out of my mouth, just let it come out with love. When I DID open my mouth, what came out was, "I love you. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I'm so sorry you have to go through this again." I don't know who was more stunned, my AH or me!! Those were NOT my words, I really couldn't believe they had come out of my mouth. My AH fell apart-he was all ready for an attack from me and my speaking with love just did him in as nothing else I could have said would have done.. He went back to AA the next day and has been sober since. The story would have had a much different ending if I had said the things I intended to say.
I don't know what seemed more miraculous to me, the fact that my HP had taken over my power of speech for a few minutes or the fact that He was actually helping me after all the awful things I had been thinking and saying about Him.
Even knowing this (for the moment), and knowing that my HP WILL be there for me whenever I ask Him to be, I have no doubt that there will be times in the future when I will be angry at Him again. Maybe even doubt His existence again. But I also know that, no matter what, He will be waiting for me with love whenever I need him again.
My prayer today is that you will feel His touch, feel His love for you. For this moment, I have no doubt in MY mind that it's there. My wish is that you can have this feeling,too.
love from Denise _______
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
wow, great responses on this thread! I agree, we are how we perceive ourselves. I found that when I changed my behavior, my perceptions and attitude changed.
Anything new is scary/uncomfortable. Part of the issue here is, having expectations of how and what things will be. I was obsessed with the outcomes and its rooted in control - but- none of us have control over the future and projecting into it is a waste of energy and time.
The question is ~ what can I do for me to feel better today/right now? Then do that thing & practise faith by staying in the moment and releasing the worry/control. It's true, we all struggle. Some days it isnt such a struggle but for the days that are, you are learning how to be ok and look for what constructive things you can do to get back to a peaceful place.
Glad u found us, know ur not alone. We find what we're looking for. If you expect people to screw up and things to be painful, then you're tuned into that "frequency/channel" and that is exactly what u will be met with. Smile, be optimistic/positive and open minded and you may start seeing more of that in the world. Either way, no matter what you encounter - if it isnt your responsibility or issue, leave it with the other person and get back to focusing on you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
