The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife is for the most part a non drinking, alcoholic behaving person who creates tension, unease, financial hardship and insecurity in our household. Bad enough it gets to me but I worry about my daughter as well.
I realize this isn't new to anyone else here, but I am so resentful and bitter toward her at this point (much of it unexpressed for my daughter's sake, so I make "nice"), that I actually waste time in my day thinking about how angry, frustrated, resentful and bitter I am about all she's done over the years.
MJ, What finally got me to the point of not resenting was really believing my AH now ex, has a horrible disease.
He cannot just stop, even if he wants to. Each person who gets into recovery, something hits them, they are too sick to go on,they are sick and tired of being sick and tired, whatever.
The truth is, they are very, very sick people. They did not choose to be born an addict. They did not choose to find themselves in the mess of addiction.
We can resent the disease, the behavior the disease causes them to have.
My ex was horrible to my son. Gave him zero attention, did not help with anything as he was growing up.
The hate and bitterness was eating me alive. He hurt MY son.
This knowledge calmed me. I was able to detach from his disease and care for him. Then I had to pray to stop loving him! lol But i accepted that, it was ok. The disease manage to finally kill that too.
I hope my experience helps you. glad yu are here. deb
There is a saying... Forgive.. it frees your soul. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and it can and will destroy everything in its path if allowed. That is why we are here, to get well and to be able to survive. I personally have learned that bitterness, grudges, resentments, only hurt me and I'm not willing to hurt me anymore. I don't deserve it and so I don't carry them anymore. Think of all the wonderful things that you could be doing with your day instead of being angry at a spouse that probably isn't even aware that you are angry... Take it one day at a time. This is a wonderful program. Try to get to a face to face meeting, it will help. Peace.
I too had a mountain of resentments that I went over and over, lamenting about the past and about how wronged I was. Problem with keeping shut, is they fester and then they come out sideways in an inappropriate outburst and then feel worse later (guilt, shame) for that behavior. And even after the outburst, the resentment is still there brimming at the surface.
Only you can feel - deal - heal what is inside of you. Validate how you got hurt, deep through and at the source of the resentment. Acknowledge your wounded inner child/person. Validate your pain and then walk through it. The times when I couldnt let go of something, is when I would hang on to that pain and get stuck in my ego and in MY victim mentality - bc- obviously the world was against -me. Having that mentality, allows one to be stuck and you keep blame shifting your responsibility away. Truth is we take on too much responsibility, taking on what others could and should do for themselves. Then we resent others for all the work we have done and sacrificing for their behalf. lol.
Not much of a gift with strings attached like that. So others resent us for helping them and we resent them for not taking our great help. Own what is your responsibility (anything ahving to do with you) and let go of what is not. Your job isnt to micromanage ur AW or ur daughter. It is to live our best life and be a role model for others. It's so funny, we think we know best and our lives are out of control and not balanced, healthy.
I agree forgiveness is the way to true liberation. I had to forgive myself many times, every time I went to forgive someone else for something 'they did to me' - I had to forgive me first for being human and hurt in the first place. For trusting them. I am not "wrong" for trusting people - but it is insane to keep doing the same thing - and expecting different results.
When I focused on my pain, it grew daily. Look for how u can feel better and try that. Some days, it was to clean up something, or eat some ice cream. Other days it was take a bath, long walk, hug a tree, smile at a stranger, read a book, cook healthy food.
Get into the moment - so that you can deal with life and put things into perspective a bit easier. When u get furstrated, take some deep in & out breaths - or take a minute to close ur eyes or go out and walk around the block/building and come back in.
Growing up in the 70's my mom always said, re-set to zero - turn it over, forgive this moment and begin anew. You can do that at any time and an infinite number of times, however much you need to. It helps.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
