The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I go to a therapist who is a female, younger than me so there is no "mother figure" involved here. What I found was that, aside from my mother (who despite her faults has been pretty loving and accepting of me my whole life), my therapist is the closest female in my life. And certainly I share more intimate stuff with here than my mom, so in some ways she's the closest. I know the therapist-client relationship is a special one, but this struck me as sad in a way. The woman in my life I feel closest to is someone I pay to see once a week. Is there something wrong there? (And no, there is no inappropriate things going on here either).
There was a transference issue here and I realized that she was the unattainable female that I've wanted my whole life (not her personally but what she represented.....caring, kind, gentle, intelligent, professional -ie. not dependant on anyone-) and could never have a relationship with for me whole life. Really bothering me.
Staying and working the alanon program has made me aware of better ways of thinking and handling situations. Change isn't always a comfortable, warm and fuzzy feeling. While there are growing pains with awareness, I am finding creative solutions to problems and achieving more positive outcomes.
It is my thought and hope that your awareness can bring you to a better place.
I had seen a male psychologist for many years off and on who was just a few years older than me. Initially, my then-husband and I went to him for joint counseling. However, when the psych wanted to discuss his drinking, the husband bailed out quickly. But I continued. I'm glad I did.
I, too, shared very intimate thoughts & feelings with this psych. I thought it was very important to do so because I was seeking his help. I was very open and think that I reaped more benefits.
The psych appeared to represent what I wanted in a man. However, there was never any attraction. I use the word "appeared" because he is human with character defects, just like the rest of us. While working withclients, those in the helping field have to exhbit all the character traits you listed. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to continue in their chosen profession. I'm certain that if you really knew your counselor, you'd find character flaws. (I know that you realize this.)
I'd be far less concerned that you can open up to this therapist and much more appreciative that you found her. You are probably going through a stage in the client-therapist relationship.
I wish you the best. I'd also encourage you to attend AlAnon in conjunction with individual therapy. I didn't. However, hindsight tells me that I would have expedited my recovery sooner.
Take GOOD care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Not at all unsual to feel close to the person with who you are sharing your deepest darkest secrets with. You amy be paying her but I am sure ( being in therapy myself) she is very interested in your well being. At some point you will find someone in your life to connect and have a relationship with and you will be all the more heathier for it. You are okay
In my recovery, I learned that one of my defects was a chronic habit of seeing the negative in things. Life was never good enough, just as it was. My disease likes it when i feel dis-ease... It starts acting out if I get too relaxed and easy, loves to cause separation between me and my HP.
In my experience with therapists (I fired all 5 of them) I never got what you have. Whether you have to pay for it or not, is the relationship not a gift? It sounds to me, that if you penned your gratitude list, she might be near the top. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I've had more than one therapist. Certainly part of working through the process is grieving, understanding and letting go.
If you have had a good relationship with your therapist there is a good chance you can start having better relationships with others.
My relationships were very complicated till now. I can certainly have my bad days when I feel frustrated and alone. For me boundaries are the key to knowing what to let in and what to keep out. If I find people who don't have good boundaries, generally these days I don't pursue a close relationship. That is pretty new for me. I jumped in before and often drowned before looking to see who I was hanging out with. I said too much and regretted it.
Therapy is one way to explore the "potential space" that brings about change. I don't see anything sad about that at all. I know personally it takes courage, commitment and persistence to pursue therapy (I know many people including the ex A who won't hear of such a thing) so I think you should be commended for your efforts. Maresie.
I would sure enjoy a relationship like the one you speak of. It sounds like a healthy male / female relationship. Someone that cares, listens, has your best interest at heart, someone that you admire. Also someone we would have no walls built against. A very nice thought...
Thanks everyone...and you're right...I'm focusing on the negative instead of feeling good that I like my therapist and find her helpful. What it comes down to is I'm in an unhappy marriage, with so much bad stuff by now that I'm convinced it will never improve to a level where I can be happy...that and plenty of well deserved resentment (which I know I can let go of at some point). Basically i want out. I stay because my daughter needs me (as the only stable parent), i wouldn't likely get sole custody (or I'd leave now) and financially I'd get crushed. Wife is going back to school so after she's got a degree, I'll have a better chance of a more favorable settlement but I'll get killed anyway. She'll get half my pension and maintenance as well, plus half of all the hard savings and investments I've worked for (she has never contributed anything to the household - spends here money on herself only). Ultimately even if all this get's resolved (and it probably will, to my great dissatisfaction) I'll also have to deal with being lonely. Not that I can't deal with that for a few years, but I fear that I'm too broken to ever have a decent relationship. Ergo my frustration that my therapist is the only good female relationship I"ve ever had. Seems pretty sad to me....
Maybe these feelings of seeming trapped and how divorce could only spell disaster will be alleviated as you continue through the therapeutic process. I remember that definition of F.E.A.R. as "False Evidence Appearing Real." (Incidentally a friend of mine got sole custody of his child under similar circumstances.)
What this might say to me is that you recognize what a difference there is between healthy emotionally intimate interactions and unhealthy ones. That's huge. The lack of that realization is what kept me stuck for many years. I thought the impaired intimacy of my relationships was as good as it gets. And now you're feeling the grief of the idea that if you stay in your marriage, it might not be possible to have that. That would be a healthy grief, wouldn't it? I guess the next question might be "What's my part in it?" That's always the hard question for me. Maybe your part in it is about your marriage, maybe it's about your lack of hopes for the future. But what I've found is that healthy actions always pay off. The more I can operate from my new healthy self, the more payoff there is. I trust the same will be true for you. Keep coming back.
She'll get half my pension and maintenance as well, plus half of all the hard savings and investments I've worked for (she has never contributed anything to the household - spends here money on herself only). Of course I do not know you wife, but perhaps she won't ask for 50% of the assets. My used-to-be husband was on the cusp of retirement when he was forced to retire after his second DUI. I do not touch his pension, not take half of the assets as I could have. I took what I needed to have a good chance of living a decent life. So again, perhaps your wife won't take what the law allows.
Ultimately even if all this get's resolved (and it probably will, to my great dissatisfaction) I'll also have to deal with being lonely. But aren't you lonely now????? I was lonely when I lived with my alcoholic. He was usually too under the influence to converse with or sleeping it all off. I refused to go anywhere with him because I feared him might drink. I isolated myself from my friends, even neighbors because I felt ashamed of what his behaviors. Now that we aren't living together, I feel I'm blossoming. I feel so free and open now. Not that I can't deal with that for a few years, but I fear that I'm too broken to ever have a decent relationship. That's why you are going to therapy. It can get better................ I did! I don't feel so broken anymore; however, I do not desire a relationship right now. HP would literally have to drop him on my head to get my attention, for I'm certainly not looking. Ergo my frustration that my therapist is the only good female relationship I"ve ever had. Seems pretty sad to me.... It can get better; as you know, it's up to you to change your life, regardless if you decide to stay with her or not. It's up to you.
Take GOOD care. Gao;
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Interesting I brought this up in recent session. She raised the issue that I always seem to attach strings to things I like..."why can't you just like it and not question yourself"....she's right....sometimes I caught up in how I think others see me and then deny myself what I like, or castigate myself over it if it's different than others. I'm trying better to do that now. Also I'm trying to see my marriage as an opportunity to grow. If I can handle the ups and downs better, then I'll know i'm getting better. It's almost like a test after I learn something.
