The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son finally moved out with his girlfriend. After about 2 weeks at her house he announces that they are getting married. WTH!!!!! I truly do not believe it is love but more convenience. I know I must stay out of his business. They are having a small wedding. I have been told to just embrace their decision. It is their life and they are both almost 40 years old.
I am trying very hard to be happy for him. It is not easy but I will do my best to be there for him. Who knows....I might be completely wrong.
It is difficult to watch some of their decisions, especially when the motives are questionable.
Although my situation differs, it seems that the underlying theme is the same, so I thought I would share. My exHA said he wanted to reconcile and promised to make things up to me and, I guess, I believed him. Apparently while he was saying this to me, he was dating a woman he met in one of his AA groups. There was a rush to get married; she pulled off a large wedding in a short period of time and it is done.
One never knows what goes on behind closed doors, so I don't know what their relationship is or is not. It does not appear to be the kind of loving relationship that I would want to have for myself. When he returned from his two week honeymoon, our daughter told me that he started complaining about her, which seems out of character for a newlywed.
I would like to think that, somehow, this is part of God's plan to bring me to a better place. Perhaps, it will somehow bring my exha to a better place, as well.
It is their life and their choices, no matter what the motives were/ are. We can only work the program for ourselves and pray for them.
Gailey, it is not necessary for you to feel happy for him. Why try to feel something that is against what your heart feels? Instead be supportive as you allow yourself to feel that son's choice is his.
Overuse of the word, "feel", but this is all about feelings isn't it?
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wether for love or convenince it appears to be what they both want. At 40yrs old they are certainly able to make thier own decisions. You don't have to like or approve of it but in order to maintain a relationship with both you need acceptance. My husband and I married over 27 yrs ago ( niether of us are A's ). His mother loved me until we said our "I do's" then I became the woman that took away her favorite son. She did evrything in her power to come between us. To no avail by the way. I was very put out by her behavior for the longest time until I realized my husband had every right to love his mother and to love me. I accepted the fact she didn't like me and the fact I didn't need her to like me ( she wasn't my mom after all ). Not until the last 3 years has she shown me any kind of kindness or acceptance ( sheesh only took her 24 yrs to get to that point) Bottom line was I didn't play her game. never tried to come between her and my husband. I could have very easily and I would have won, but won what? Given a choice the spouse will always side with thier spouse over their parent. My point is this... wish them luck and well wishes and let them go about thier lives.
Aloha Gailey...trust your recovery...I have in the past and it worked for me also. Respecting their decision is good lead and program...I'm gonna use it also cause I have a choice to finish some work I need to do and or be at the hospital as our first great-grand-daughter is being born to my grandson and his girlfriend both children of the disease just as parents and grand-parents and doing the same things over and over. My son made the announcement under duress months ago and looked into my eyes as if some deep spiritual truth would come forth...LOL I smiled and told him that I don't have anything different to say (other than Oh Well) because the kids were doing the very same thing he and I had done and seemed to have the same manual we had. I wasn't asked for leadership in the decision so I'm gonna stay a spectator. I'm up in the bleachers rather than down in the front row less anyone think that somehow I am the head cheerleader.
We have offered our ESH over the years on several occasions and we don't wait by the front door waiting for them to come running back again with "Hey I need to talk." Our ESH now is, "We've talked, now it's time to practice."
Trust God and I'm not in that line of work anymore. Time for the Serenity Prayer...everybody begin; "Lord grant me....." (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 27th of July 2010 06:45:21 PM
I would be filled with fear and HAVE been filled with FEAR when my adult children have rush into actions that my perception of the situation seems to be that this has to be an insane and unhealthy decision for them.
But then I am reminded that they are not only my children - they are also the children of THEIR Higher Power ~
So Once again - for the millionth time - I hand them over to a loving God, who gently reminds me, that He is in control ~ that they are on their own separate path - and He wants me to take good care of ME.
My friend - please do what you can - you don't have to be over joyed - but you maybe can partake in the celebration just for today - I will be glad that my child is happy today and on the inside pray that God's very best will be brought about for all!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't blame you for being anxious. I would be. However, there is nothing you can do about it. Would that we could protect the ones we love from making bad decisions with just a snap of our fingers or a twitch of our nose. He's an adult. As I have been reminded so many times by many smart people here you have to allow him the dignity of making his choices. Good or bad. Right or wrong, he's an adult. He's not 15 years old where you can step in. He's 40 years old. If he makes a mistake, so be it. It's his to live with and handle. All you can do is Let Go & Let God. Turn them over to their HP. You've got a strong program and will be alright. We've got your back. Much love & blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Love the picture1
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Gail, this is so tough on you. If its a mistake its theirs to own and learn, (or not), from. You were already anxious with him moving out I know.....but you never know, maybe it will be the making of him.
Fake it till you make it comes to mind...... I know I had to do that when my daughter fell in love and got married to an ACOA 6 yrs ago. I saw his drinking at that stage was problematic, but he was charming and manipulative, bit of a bad boy and she was besotted. Her Dad & I were sick to the stomach. On the wedding day I wished them both all the happiness in the world, did my duty, smiled, danced at the reception then went home and broke my heart crying. Wish I could say they lived happily ever after but they are now divorcing, her choice and any tears I've shed recently are of relief.
(((((hugs))))) Ness
-- Edited by Ness on Friday 30th of July 2010 05:30:22 PM
