The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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For me everything lol, Jeez it has took me an age to get this wow, I have been wondering how to I get the trust back? And suddenly it hit me, did I really ever have any? Nope not really, so no wonder I can't get it back I am looking for something I only imagined I had, I am so lucky that I can start from scratch now and create good honest trust, a trust based on honesty.
I have been thinking too, ya know when money is tight and you have to go using what ever is left in your cupboards, you find something you forgot you had and you utilise it, and you really enjoy something different, I mean the times I have stuff in my cupboards but still routinely go and fetch more food out of habit and convineince, I don't particularly enjoy the same old same old but it will do, and then when push comes to shove I can concoct of gormet meal out of thin air.
I must tell you this last night I went to my group and we had nothing in for tea, as I was leaving hubby shouted what do we have to put in a cob, I said only cheese, he was non too pleased, he said I might have to pop to the shop and fetch something then, yes I said that will be nice, as I drove away I thought how much lighter I feel these days, I would have been completely panicked a while back because I didn't have the food he wanted, and he would possibly even complained in any case, and he is a grown man he can choose his own sanwhich filling and if he doesn't like it, thats his call wow this is huge for me.
Then I get to my face to face on my motorbike and this new person say's to me are you going to aa I said nope alanon, he said looks like the paint has just dried on that bike, I laughed I said it is three years old it has more polish than miles, inside my room I have only been three times the aa people come and chat to me arhhhhhhhh bless, just taking one day at a time thats all, and it's the little things that make so much difference, look after you and do keep coming back, it really does work if you work it!
I had to go to C2C to see for myself what the illusions were. Control. Boy! Do I recognize that one. And the big hole inside me that I must fill to feel whole, yep, I've got that too. Don't know where I got it from either. Could be from not connecting with my parents when I was young and trying to get love and acceptance from friends and the opposite sex. But today it doesn't matter. My job is to take care of me. I can't put the blame on anything or anyone else.
The alcoholic fills that black hole inside himself/herself with alcohol. I fill it with trying to "fix" others, so that I can feel good about myself. How self-centered is that! Today I only try to "fix" me and Live and Let Live when it comes to others. I can think of a dozen ways that I have tried to fill that "big hole inside me" that haven't worked... buying a new truck, trying to live my life through my daughter, sacrificing myself in order to take care of my aging, ailing parent to the point of helping neither of us, and as I have already mentioned...through relationships, whether they be friends or sexual.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having friends, or having a good loving relationship with a significant other; but if you make that your "reason for being" and base your self-worth and self-esteem on their approval then your setting yourself up for heartache, just as I have done in the past.
Today I try to start each day with "Please" and end each day with "Thank you". Sometimes my prayers are longer and sometimes they are just mere Pleases and Thank yous, but I know to whom I must go each day to get through it. As the poem says, "Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once."
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I too experienced the same thing. The illusions are . . . well to look back now it was crazy! The truth was always right there in front of me but the fear and my need to be loved just painted a completely different picture.
Coming to this realization was pretty embarrassing, I must admit. But the opportunity to set that aside and live a different life is fantastic! The calm in my heart is so wonderful. I feel more grounded. I don't get into panics anymore. Sure, I get my feelings hurt - but it is by other people's actions not by my own denial and dependence on a reality that doesn't even exist. It also helps me with my expectations of others. I try not to have any. I set boundaries, finally learned how to ask for what I need, but if it isn't met that is ok. I then enforce my boundaries, which is some cases means walking away or putting less of myself out there for said person that really doesn't care about me anyway.
I always thought that setting boundaries and walking away or just saying "no" would be so painful. I would get into a panic about it. Now I realize it really doesn't hurt that bad, if at all, and the alternative (where I was before) was excrutiatingly painful and pretty much self induced.
Thank you so much for your shares. Just what I needed today. BTW, my daily reader is about owning your own power. I think they go hand in hand.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
