PLEASE HELP ME AS I AM DROWNING IN THEIR LIQUID WORLD - Al-Anon Family Group

myself · Member

PLEASE HELP ME AS I AM DROWNING IN THEIR LIQUID WORLD

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Myself (hmmm sounds strange but...) okay you want some support and
direction and have asked "PLEASE HELP ME...".   I did the same thing and this
is what I did and followed up on. Go to the white pages of your local telephone
book and look up Al-Anon and call that number. If you get a live voice speak
with the person and tell them where you are at with alcoholism. If you get a
recording it will be where and when the Family Groups meet. Take down the
places and times and then get to the very first one you can. When you get
there get to the literature table and get as much literature you can that is free
and read it all. Chances are that they will have a "beginners packet" for you just
like my home group. Before the meeting starts find and take a seat close to
the table and participate or pass in the starting process of the meeting...reading
of the steps and or traditions of Al-Anon or something else.   When the
discussion starts listen, listen, listen don't talk until or unless they ask if you
want to (Its your first meeting so it might not be till the end of the meeting
that you are asked) again it's your choise to talk about what brought you
there or pass. You won't have forever to talk but it will be a blessing cause
the room will listen with compassion. After the meeting get phone numbers
of the membership who allow other members to call and talk and then again
participate in the closing or not. We're not a religious program however the
program is spiritual in nature. Now do the same thing as often as you can over
the next 90 days before making up your mind if Al-Anon is for you. If you
decide it isn't you can go back to trying your own program or anything else that
might strike your curiosity. For me it worked and I went on to get my life back
which included a bunch of daily happiness regardless of what "they" were doing
or not and how bad an outcome they were getting.   They got choices...they
get outcomes...they don't want me to interfere. I learned not to.

Glad you found MIP cause this family will love and support you into getting
healthy. It will be difficult at first and confusing and that is what we all went
thru in order to find the light at the end of the tuna...LOL and I thought they
said tunnel...how far off I was.

Keep coming back...In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

Tattyhead · Senior Member

((((Myself))))

One of things that leapt out at me from your post: "I look at my son and see that my choices as his mother have taken him to the path he is stumbling on today" No, M, you didn't lead him down this path. That was his choice. he could have chosen a different path. I have been married to my Alcoholic for 38 years and have 2 children. Neither of them will touch alcohol because of how their father is. Don't beat yourself up about it. He is 25 - an adult - free to make his own choices.

So much of the rest of your post resonates with me. I once loved my husband deeply and looked forward to growing old together I had such plans. However, he is now reduced to a shambling wreck of a man who has been in and out of hospital with alcohol-induced seizures, malnutrition from not eating and liver problems. It is a horrible disease and like you, I don't feel able to leave him in the state he is in, even though he has systematically destroyed the great love I had for him.

I don't have any answers for you. I don't think my choice (to stay) is necessarily the right one but if I was going to leave I should have done it 5-6 years ago. Now I simply cannot walk out on this very sick man.

I have coped by detaching emotionally. I have slept in my own room (MY space) for the last 2 1/2 years. I go to work, see my friends and family and try to have as good a time as I can.

Most importantly - I found this board and chat room. There are no Alanon groups near me so I treasure the support I have recieved here. I have attended a couple of on-line meetings but the time zone makes it difficult (I am in UK). I am so pleased you have found your way here. Keep coming back and do find face to face meetings too. The most valuable thing I have learnt is "You need to look after you; take care of yourself" And the 3 Cs - "You didn't Cause it, you cannot Cure it and you cannot Control it"

Love, Tish xxxx

-- Edited by Tattyhead on Monday 26th of July 2010 08:47:09 AM

never going back · Senior Member

Hello ((((myself))))
I am so sorry for all you are going through. I have lived with my AH for 32 years but have never had to go through the same pain with any of my 3 children. I can't imagine what that must be like. I am new here and mostly just read everybody elses posts. I am not really qualified to give advice, as I am fairly new here and still learning so much myself. However, something you said hit home with me and I felt I needed to comment.

You said, "I keep hearing its a disease and I ask myself would I divorce him if he had alzheimers or cancer and no, I would not."

I struggled with this for a long time. I DO feel that alcoholism is a disease, and I, too, would never have left my husband if he were sick from any other disease; diabetes, heart disease, cancer,etc. However, I finally came to realize this. If alcoholism IS a disease, it is different than the other 'diseases' in (at least) one important way. The disease of alcoholism has a guaranteed 'cure' that will absolutely work, but only if the alcoholic chooses to take it. So I asked myself; If my AH had cancer and the doctor offered him a sure-fire cure, but he refused to take it, would I stay with him? No, I would not. I would refuse to stay with him and watch him kill himself simply because he refused to help himself. For me, I never had to actually make that choice as my AH did choose to take the 'cure' (although we both know that his alcoholism is only in remission and will never actually be 'cured'). But, I finally got to the place where I was ready and willing to leave (thanks to my HP!!) if my AH had made the choice not to help himself. After being with him for 38 years and married to him for 32, this was not an easy decision. Like you said, I felt I would be leaving half of myself behind. But I finally got to the point where I wasn't praying for things to work out between us, I was just praying for the strength to do whatever it was my HP asked of me, and I knew that if that meant leaving him I could do it. WHEN I got to that point, I guess my AH knew that I really meant it, it wasn't just another in a long line of threats. And that is when he began going to AA and getting himself sober. I don't take any credit for that, HE made that choice, and my HP led us both the whole way. However, I think we both needed to know that I could and would live alone rather than live one more day with a drunken husband.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but it was a real breakthrough for me in dealing with the "leaving him when he has a disease' dilemma.
Again, I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. Please keep coming back here and considering all the wonderful suggestions you will get from people who love you and want to help. The people here have helped me through some of the roughest times in my life. I wish the same for you.

love from Denise
________

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

Greenvalleygal · Veteran Member

I have two sons living next to me with their individual addictions. I don't have the answers but I have gotten a lot of good direction from this group. Keep reading and seeking help from your HP. Good luck and get to a F2F meeting

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your outlook on love makes me sad = please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself u need support and some personal boundaries will get u thru this , you don't have to leave your family to get this , this program is what made it easier for me to stay in my marriage \i learned how to get happy regardless of what they are doing, abuse of any kind is unexceptable but unfortunatley we have taught people how to treat us by allowing disrespect we create monsters.
You cannot teach either of them any thing when ever I try to teach anyone anything I am usually the one who learns the lesson.
It only takes one person to create change , you have asked for help and most suggest Al-Anon for yourself please take the advice.your worth the effort. one action alone going to meetings will make a difference in your home. and remember your not responsible for the choices your son and husband are making your not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop.
I learned early in this program that They need us alot more than we need them Once settled in our prog u will make new friends get your life back on track this is just too hard to do alone . take care of you Louise

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome MYself!!!

I cannot add any more than the wonderful suggestions you have already been given. I just wanted to confirm that you are not alone and your choices in life did not cause this.

Alcoholism is a disease. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.

You can find help for your own mental and spiritual health.

Welcome to this Board and alanon You will not regret your decision to join us.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

What a hard post! I do understand very much your grief, anger, loyalty and fear. I've been there in so many ways. I do know that al anon has helped me tremendously with tools, detachment, it certainly takes practice, foucsing on myself rather than the alcoholic (rather difficult to say the least) getting my emotional needs met. Remember we advocate the three C's here, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. If we could none of us would be here.

I am glad you are reaching out, this is a wonderful resource to use. I am so grateful I could come here and learn so much about how to live rather than drown in a sea of alcoholism.

Please stop blaming yourself. We do the best we can until we know better. In al anon we learn to have some tools to help us alone. Those tools, like anything else take a lot of practice. There is a primer for detaching at www.coping.org.

If you have a chance please send for Getting them Sober which is listed at the top of this page.

Maresie.

myself · Member

Thank you for your support and advice. I dont know what I will do but I pray for the strength to do as I need for myself and the children I am raising. I hear that I'm not responsible for my son being an alcoholic but I find that hard to swallow as in the literature I have read I know that environment can help contribute to alcoholism. I was raised by an alcoholic and no I dont drink at all. Unfortunately my brother is now an alcoholic, so I do feel that I helped my son become an alcoholic by staying with an alcoholic. I have four children and raised them all together. My first born is an alcoholic, my daughter is married to an alcoholic, my third child drinks and smokes marijuana, is he an alcoholic? I dont think so but I do know he is only 20 and has been to jail twice for underage possession. So yes I think he has a problem at least. My fourrth child does not smoke drink or anything. I take their ages into account as they went through things and look back. I believed that I was doing good by them as I did not drink....lol.....I'm sorry but I haave to take part of the blame as their mother for how they turned out just as I take pride that they all graduated high school. I realize as adults we all make our own choices but as children, our parents do. I chose to stay with an alcoholic and now my children show the consequences of that choice. Maybe if I had went to al anon when they were young or put them in alateen, they would have made better choices. My truth is that I did nothing but allow them to grow in dysfunction and the craziness of alcoholism. How can anyone say I hold no blame? I do and I think learning to forgive myself is a start but I am guilty of what I helped instill into them. So stay or leave as you choose but please lets not say that our choices wont impact our children....they do and they are our responsibility...sorry I just believe this to be true as I have read all I can to try to understand and it all says it and shows the consequences. Yes some will be lucky as I am and not become adddicts but will they marry one or raise one....it iis possible. I guess the bottom line is to be sure that you are as healthy as you can be so that you can help them grow to be as healthy as you can regardless of the addict in their life....and remember that our decisions today will and can be their map tomorrow..

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.