The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Rough weekend. I tried to practice my alanon by letting go and detaching. When hubby went to the bar Friday for the night. I did ok but I wish I could have just said ok see you later. NO! I had to get in my head going a million miles an hour. I didn't yell but I said "sweet" manipulative things like I am going out to so don't worry. Later he called and invited me up there. I don't drink soo..
Sat he was at the bar "helping his brother" who was sad. Today he was just hanging out for four hours??? I asked him if his girlfriend was there? Nice huh? oh I hate it when I do that. He told me to just let him be him... I am trying but oh my heart.
I try not to take it personally. Somedays are better than others. Today I really felt like it was because I didn't drink or smoke pot that he didn't want to be around me. That is so silly isn't it? His addiction has nothing to do with me. How come my head gets it and my heart insists on breaking? I see progression and it makes me sad. I hate watching my AH leave me and he doesn't even know he is doing it. I have a long way to go in this program.I will keep on learning because I do feel better and respond better most days now. Thank goodness for that. I don't know if I am disappointed in me more for being such a cry baby or in this dang disease. I am scared, fear has to go it messes me up. How do I do that? Goodnight all.
I know those feelings well, for sure. But what would we be if we didn't care that our loved ones were choosing the bar or the drugs above us? If we just shrugged and said, "Fine, whatever"? My therapist said about this, "It's the healthy part of you that minds."
It hurts like crazy. Even if we know not to take it personally, the fact is that we're not getting the loving partner we need.
My own tendency was always to second-guess my needs -- "Why am I so needy? Why can't I let him be who he is? Am I trying to control him? Why can't I stop being angry?" It was like I had to make it look like a healthy relationship and I couldn't change his part, so I kept trying to change my part. But my emotions kept popping out, as much as I tried to hold them down. Now I think I should have taken them seriously so much earlier.
It's also so hard to feel all that anger and not express it, isn't it? And I was always the queen of the passive-aggressive remark: not "I'm angry because you're going to the bar instead of staying home as we'd planned," but something snide and jabbing. Because I couldn't bear to hear him tell me that yes, he was going to the bar no matter what I thought. So I didn't have to make a decision. Awful, awful! So painful.
I hope you won't beat yourself up. The insanity rubs off on us until we can't see whether we're coming or going. You're showing so much wisdom in the way you can see what's going on. Take care of yourself.
I hope you can see that it is a miracle that you can see what you are seeing! It's probably a long way from when you first walked in the doors...?!
You mention you are fearful and that it has to go, how do you do that? For me, I have to keep reaching for my HP, I was told that faith is the opposite of fear. The BB suggests a prayer something like this, "God, please remove the fear and direct my attention to how you would have me be." Does that mean I have no more fear? No, my mind is gonna do what my mind is gonna do. But the program is just one day at a time. If I keep up with my meetings and work my program, I am more spiritually fit for when things don't go the way I want them to go. I do know this, my HP wants me to relax and trust. When I am relaxed and trusting, I am better equipped to be of service to Him, where bigger things are happening than my own self-centered fears. Usually when I am in fear, I am in the past or the future. If I just stay in the present... all appears to be well.
Do we NEED a loving partner? When I consider step 11, I try to leave that up to my HP, who knows exactly what I need. Everything I need, I get from my HP.
I applaud you and your progress. Thank you for sharing your story. namaste
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Rough weekend. I tried to practice my alanon by letting go and detaching. When hubby went to the bar Friday for the night. I did ok but I wish I could have just said ok see you later. NO! I had to get in my head going a million miles an hour. I didn't yell but I said "sweet" manipulative things like I am going out to so don't worry. Later he called and invited me up there. I don't drink soo..