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My husband is a dry drunk - he used to be such a happy man - now he went thru depression which I didnt know was a sympthom of alcoholism - learning so much here - but I feel he just blames so much on me - gets so angry at me when I questioned it and told me to leave him alone that he is sick of me - Oh boy so much fun here LOL - mean mean man - saw him through all those drinking years and boy now the real him comes out - seems to me he is treating me like his Dad treated his wife - mean man too - but my husband used to be so much in love with me so much - always holding hands and kisses when he left and came home and it just stopped - been working on myself in alanon TG for that - but still in the pit of my stomack his being so resentful and mean to me - walks in and is nice to his neighbors and the nicest man in the world to everyone else but then walks in the door and can change in an second - miserable miserable man trying to make the rest of us miserable too - but I am working my program and hope to get myself better. Just wondering if anyone else was going thru the same with a dry drunk - safety in numbers like they say! Thanks
Your husband has stopped drinking recently? My experience is that they don't have any idea how to handle life if they've been handling it by drinking for years. They say they pick up at the age they started drinking -- if they started drinking at 16, they're still 16-year-olds when they stop. And probably depressed 16-year-olds. The depression probably preceeded the drinking, but then the drinking made it worse. But stopping drinking doesn't make it go away.
In my experience, too, alcoholics typically don't recognize how their drinking has devastated others, even after they stop. They've been so focused on themselves for years, and they're used to being defensive. I too had that feeling of "Why isn't he grateful that I put up with his behavior all those years?" I think he might have replied, "You should have done it for yourself, because it didn't do anything for me." And indeed I told myself I was doing it for him, but actually I was doing it for myself -- so I didn't have to face the fear, pain, anger, and remorse of leaving.
But the other thing is that even though you've waited all these years, I assume, for him to get sober, and now he's sober -- you don't have to stay. It's still your choice to make. If the sober guy isn't one you feel you're getting enough from -- if you're still living in the hopes that maybe he'll change and things will be good -- you can declare an internal time limit and make the choice. I know that feeling of "After all I've been through, there'd better be a pay-off!" But sometimes taking care of ourselves is better than getting a long-due pay-off.
I hope you can get to some meetings. Everyone's situation is different and so complex, it may take months before you can think everything through and see what taking care of yourself would look like in your particular case. And keep coming back.
Well, you're in the right place! You're not alone- your post really resonates! Staying is hard, leaving is hard, and watching the disease progress is truly hard. Once, my exHA told me that it is too painful for him to look at the damage he caused to 'us' and it is something he will not do. I believe he was telling the truth when he said that.
There are no easy answers or choices, but what I do find helpful is coming here, sharing, and working the program. I also find myself asking God for wisdom.
Keep coming back and do your best to be easy on yourself- I agree with Mattie to take care of yourself first and see how things unfold.
I can relate. My AH is a dry drunk too. The difference is that he is not "mean." The havoc and chaos in our lives is the same though. He's not really in recovery, and the same old alcoholic thought process and mindset is still very present.
I've been immersing myself in the program - going to as many meetings as I can, utilizing this site, and talking to several people in the program on a regular basis. That has been very helpful for me. Someone said at a meeting I went to last night "the program is simple, but not easy." Those words really resonated with me. There is so much hope in this program, and the program itself is very simple, however, it's not an easy journey. I do believe the reward will be worth it.
Depression is a disease that affects millions of people not just alcholics. I know I've been there. It is a disease of self loathing that gets taken out on other people. Durning my darkest times, I wasn't mean or spiteful I wasn't ANYTHING. Just a body taking up space in a room. I alienated everyone in my life including my family in the process. I watched my son sink deeper into his addiction without the will or energy to even try to intervene ( talk about guilt ). I alienated my beloved daughter who to this day has not forgiven me for my actions (big ammeds to be made there). The only person in the world who didn't give up on me was my husband thankfully. The only thing that was my saving grace not only becuse of having a son sho is an addict is alanon. I learned so many tools that helped me out of the depression. It helped more than all the medication I was put on and certainly more than any therapy I had. I hope your husband finds his way to a 12 step program that can help him Blessings
My dad was an active alcholoic before 2 of my sibblings and I were born.Mom gave him an ultimatium when he went to vietnam for his 1st tour. dont come home drinking or dont come home at all.Mind you this was 43 years ago.He quit while over there but after learning what a dry drunk was he was it.He didnt go to AA,just quit drinking. After I came in the alanon program I actually found out what a dry drunk was and things made alot more sence.And I always say that I am a gratefull member of al-anon and mean it!!
I've not been here in a while but came back today because I'm strugglng and saw this thread which I relate to deeply. My BF is a dry drunk. I actually dislike that term, but it fits him so well.
My BF is a nice guy, does nice things, is laid back, but when something sets him off (and it can be the smallest thing), he gets mean. He raises his voice, yells and then starts with verbal slaughter like "shut up" or 'Oh f&ck off"
He's a 47 yr old man who has the emotional maturity level of a 15 yr old boy.
Something as small as me making a comment about my bad day will set him off. Instead of just asking me to "change the subject" because talking about my bad day is making him depressed, he will go in an onslaught and raise his voice telling me he doesn't want to listen to me. I remain totally calm and ask him why he's yelling and he will say (while yelling it) "I'm not yelling, you are, you're so irrational" Then he starts to accuse me of starting fights.
It's STUNNING I have to admit. I sit there in awe of what just happened. He does this often. And he TRULY doesn't see that he's acting this way. I've told him my boundary is when he yells at me and gets abusive, I'm going to end the convo. I do and it makes him more angry and he won't call me for days (sometimes a week). It's always me that calls to keep the peace. When I don't kiss his butt, he tries to punish me by not calling. Punishing seems to be a common M/O of addicts?! In his VERY SICK mind, he believes I start every fight and I yell.
I see no relief in sight. I now know he will NEVER change.
He's been in AA for a couple of years and sober a little less than that. He goes to meetings 3 x a week.
My therapist told me as soon as the pain of staying is more than leaving, I'll leave. It's near that point. I've avoided leaving because of the pain. This man went from lovable to NOT
