The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel trapped. I thought I had a good morning. went running, prayed and meditated. then thought I set a boundary. it backfired and he again threatens the end of the relationship. this is so messed up. I am told that I shouldn't talk to him. that he hasn't got recovery and will take everything as a threat. what do I do with the pain in my gut?
My advice is to start working on yourself. Go to meetings, pray, start working the steps. I, too, have felt the pain of the constant threats...it hurts and it sucks. I have gained some serenity by working the Al-Anon program. Encompass yourself it in, go head first. You will get better and stronger.
If he's anything like my wife....forget about ever getting what you need from him....I've given up hoping....my only hope is to find happiness and companionship on my own.....
Here is what I do when I feel too overwhelmed and could not cope:
1. Read Al-anon literature (Courage to Change, dilemma of alcoholic marriage, opening our heart and transforming our loss).
2. Go to face to face Al-anon meetings, if you don't have the time, come here whenever you feel down and post something here, usually you will get the response quite quickly.
3. Go out with your friends and family, do something small but fun, such as have a coffee, watch a movie, or simply just let them sitting there and listen to you talking...let things out from your mind will help to lower your anxiety.
4. Talk to your councillors and get some professional help.
5. Think about a new hobby, something you always want to do and then enrol a course and make yourself do it. It is a great way to distract yourself from the misery.
6. Visit a friend/ family inter-states or overseas if it is possible with time and finance.
7. Talk to your doctor and have a check about mood, if you have been depressed for a while, you may suffer depression, some anti-depressant would help to lift your mood up more quickly.
There are no easy ways out unfortunately, but there is a way out, there will be. One day at a time, when things get so hard, I told myself, one hour at a time. Try to only concentrate on what you are going to do today for yourself and then make the plan to do it. Time will heal you, and trust your high power, it will guide you out.
Throw yourself into your own recovery. Focus on you and not your A. They can be extremly hurtful when they want to be. Funny thing is they are the ones that are hurting and as the saying goes misery loves company Please get yourself to some face to face meetings or at least the meetings we have here on line. There is much wisdom and experience in these rooms that can help and support you Blessings
I remember clearly just wanting the pain to stop. I was told here to let it be - it is what it is - and it too shall pass. Let the emotion move through you, then watch it go away.
I usually stuffed pain, ran from it, and when it came back out it was all seething anger.
Once I got into recovery I started looking at it. I visualize it sort of like a rubics cube. Why am I feeling this? What are my actions? How can I learn from this? What is my part? Turn it in my hands and look at each side.
Then there is the problem and the solution. What am I focused on? If I focus on the problem what is the outcome? If I focus on the solution, what is the outcome? What possible solutions are there? Can/will this other person take an active, healthy part of this solution or am I on my own? What does that mean?
It is a difficult situation any way you slice it. I have had many days that started great ruined at the drop of a hat due to someone else's self-made, ficticous drama and eventually it just started earning an eye-roll. Doesn't hurt - but still not a healthy relationship or way to live.
I love that you are taking steps to take care of your mind and body. Please don't take his reaction as a reflection of your recovery. Sounds like you are doing great and the pain is natural when someone does that. Now you just need to find a solution! That is what Al-Anon is here to help you do.
Best of luck. I hope your day improves. Big hugs!!
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I feel trapped. I thought I had a good morning. went running, prayed and meditated. then thought I set a boundary. it backfired and he again threatens the end of the relationship. this is so messed up. I am told that I shouldn't talk to him. that he hasn't got recovery and will take everything as a threat. what do I do with the pain in my gut?
Are with the same guy?! I set boundaries, he will try to punish me by not calling me for days, then when we talk says "we need to end it" Knowing that will make me panic.
Looking forward to the day I have the strength to reply "sounds good, see ya"
That "pain" you talk about is the pain I've been avoiding. It's just easier to stay and feel this pain than the pain of going through a break-up. Working on yourself is a great way to relieve the pain, but at night, when alone and you're crying, the only way through the pain is full steam ahead.
