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I'm trying to let go of some control in my life and I am in need of some help. I have been struggling with this for a while now and am at a loss with what to do.
I have 2 teen boys 18 and 16. I have been a single parent for 2 1/2 years and have done 90% of the yard work, house work, laundry, cooking dinner and working fulltime. I am feeling overwhelmed with this and have asked for help from the boys. Most of the time I get a response " I'll do it later" and it doesn't get done. Well today I asked them both to cut the lawn. The youngest one said he was "tired of doing it" and the older one said "he would later...Tomorrow" Then the older one asked me to drive him somewhere. I told him I wouldn't do it because he wouldn't do the lawn. He left the house and took the bus to where he was going.....
My question is...... do I cut the lawn myself and not do anything for them for a week until the next time the lawn needs cutting....or..... do I leave the lawn uncut and see if it gets done "tomorrow"?
I know this really isn't on topic but it is about learing to let go..... in some ways lol
Totally understand the "teen" behavior. When my kids were teens I heard those excuses a hundred times. Mommy went on strike every now and then to kinda show them everything doesn't come for free. They were certainly old enough to do thier own laundry, cook themselves a meal etc. So when I went on strike they had to rely on thier own resouces to get what they wanted. Not sure if it really worked except to say they can both cook and do the laundry LOL Teens are funny creatures but I can honestly say I wouldnt have traded those years for anything
This goes into my memory banks on a number of related issues - like when our teen would never clean his room, clean the cat's litter tray etc. Hubby and I were completely perplexed. Do it ourselves, or leave it not done. On the cat tray, we couldn't handle the impact for our cat. So we did it. On the bedroom, we could shut the door and let him live with the messy, I can't find my clothes, consequences. I think for me, my decision would be based on what would make me feel best. Would it drive me insane to see my lawn overgrown? If so, I might do it, but take away allowance or deprioritize something that means more for my son, but less to me.
Oh boy dejavue for me been there done that one . what worked for me was to take away all priveledges ,no rides anywhere , no extra 10 bucks i used to give them just because i could , I sat my sons down one at a time and told them I loved them but didnt like them one damn bit and until they started to show me some respect they wouldnt be getting any from me . they were as stubborn as I am and it took awhile but eventually they got that this time I was serious , thier clothes managed to find thier way into the hamper instead of the floor of thier rooms . lawns got mowed and garbage taken out . hehe Consistancy is something I was not good at I learned that without it they ran me ragged. good luck \louise
If you do the lawn again...they can't. If you don't do the cooking anymore...they can't. If you mention and don't discuss group or team responsibility and choices they will understand. Were they not born on the same planet as you were? Do they not speak the same language as their peers and their family? They have the assets including the lawnmower. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice."
Dealing with males is different than dealing with females. Females go heart to heart most often so the communications often is on the same feeling level. Dealing with males is dealing heart to head (theirs); not on the same level and they often "refuse" to get it.
If you are paying them to be your sons...stop paying. They wouldn't pay anyone under the same conditions.
Use to work with and counsel the "critters"...they ain't dumb that they know of.
I am a great lover of teens, and get along well with them. The teen years were my favorite time with my sons. Maybe I was just lucky. Never caused a single problem, either of them.
I would leave the lawn uncut and wait to see what happens "tomorrow." If it doesn't get done, "tomorrow" give him an ultimatum.....With two teen boys in the house, there is NO, repeat NO reason for you to do that job. Or take out the garbage. They can also do their laundry, and if you don't do it for them, they will soon tire of wearing dirty clothes. They have to understand who is boss, and you are the only one who can make that perfectly clear to them.
C'mon Mom, you can do it.
Best wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your post just reminded me of the young man who came to my door the other day looking for yard work to do. I did not have any at the time but I am going to hire him to do it simply because kids ringing doorbells for work is pretty rare nowadays and I want to support his ambition.
Aside from that if I had kids (LOL you can tell me that i am out of my gourd if this sounds idiotic) .... especially boys who have probably played team sports that home is going to have a new "team" mentality. 52 week season, list of things that need to be done, every winning week gets them one step closer to a campionship bonus. Could do something like pro players bonus' in thier contracts ... money, choices, camping trip. If their batting average makes the grade then maybe small weekly bonus of some kind, friends over for pizza, big taco fiesta or movie night ... whatever thier interest is.
My brother used to stay with me every other weekend and this type of thing worked with him. Funny too is that I see him using it with his son now, it's starting with stickers and I can't wait to see how it progresses
These guys as we all do need to learn the difference between wants and needs.
They will be out in the world soon! Turkeys!
I am more into positive reinforcement.
So mom, I invite you to decide, ok time to allow them to grow up. Stop doing their wash, you get towels and all for you, in your room.
Stop buying toothpaste for them. They can get a job for petes sake. Stop cooking for them. Get what you like, to heck with them. I got my kids burritos, etc. for them to do themselves. Put dishes away. Give everyone one of everything.
As far as the lawn, pay someone to do it with the money you save on cloths and dish soap and food.
They take the bus, ride a bike whatever. They are showing you they can make their own decisions by NOT helping you. So the natural thing is to give them the chance to figure it out!
We are raising our sons to be men, but we are women. I found when I said, go figure it out, they did. We need to teach them independance. If they cannot figure out the washer and dryer, teach them one time.
If they throw their dirty cloths in their,throw them back into their rooms.
dirty dishes, throw them in their room. Feed on couch and or coffee table, junk left around. They know how to act. Take out coffee table and couch, store them in garage or? junk around. Throw it outside. They apparently don't care about it. Keep YOUR recliner and table.
All the pleasures YOU work for, are yours, they share only when they deserve it.
we have to teach them that!
Send them here. I bet they would be angels becuz you have taught them well. They are taking advantage of mom.
After what you have been thru, they are being big brats.
hugs girl. Tell them you will send them to an animal sanctuary they have to sleep in the barn. hugs again,debilyn
It's hard of teenagers to believe one day they will we as dumb as their parents.
Your the head of the house, you make the rules. I would consider having a "heart to head" talk as was mentioned in Jerry's post above...explain it to them "Like Peter wrote it on the rock" so 'their head' understands perfectly what is in "your heart'. Say what you mean and mean what you say, be consistent, fair, and firm. Respect is the cornerstone of any family. Teenagers sometime need to be reminded of that fact. If they expect to eat and sleep under your roof, following your rules, including mowing the yard when you ask doesn't seem to much to ask or expect.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 26th of July 2010 12:31:34 AM
Same issue here...only my dad ends up cutting it...my son's closet has been broken for 2 weeks and he will not fix it...he will eventually run out of clean clothes because I will not wash them until he does it.
Do not cut the grass......if you do it they can't....and thier excuse will be I was going to do it.
