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Need to vent. There is one thing that I am so sick and tired of about this whole sickness. It's the isolation. I just talked to my husband's father and he told me that the family got together for a bonfire last night at the family camp. It was just an impromptu thing and I KNOW no one meant to hurt my feelings...but we weren't invited and we only live 10 minutes away. The reasons we weren't invited...my husband is in recovery and needs his space, so they were respecting that. Also, my older daughter has special needs and doesn't do well in crowds. Although I know they meant no harm I am so upset about it. I also have a very best friend whose husband USED to be best friends with my husband. She invites me to do things alone with her, but we can never do anything anymore as a couple. I miss that so much and I get hurt when she talks about how they went camping, socializing, whatever with another couple. I do have friends, etc., I am not completely isolated...but I miss the couple with couple thing. It hurts when people don't invite us places b/c of our daughter too. I am mad b/c I feel I like have the double whammy: the AH and the kid with special needs. I wish people would realize that that means i need them to call me and invite me (us) places...if I say no, then that's okay, please understand...I still need the companionship. Anyways, just a bad day that way. I feel like a little kid who didn't get invited to a birthday party. I think it was b/c I was thinking of calling his family last night and suggesting a bonfire...anyways, thanks for letting me vent. There's not really anyone I can say this to, if I tell my AH, then he feels bad...I can't tell my best friend b/c she feels guilty (she really is supportive, she can't force her husband to keep hanging with us) and if I tell his family I am hurt they will just feel bad. I know no one means to be hurtful but I am so sick and tired of it. I'll be over this in a few hours..."suck it up and deal with it buttercup!" Thanks for hearing me out.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so isolated at the moment. I'm glad you can come here and vent. We are hear for you and you are never alone.
You hit the nail on the head about alcoholism being an isolating disease. When I first hit my bottom, over 5 years ago, when I looked around, I had no friends, was isolated from my family and my husband was lost to the disease. How did I get so isolated? You have that double whammy as well with your special needs child.
For me, 5 years later, I have many more friends who are "safe" to be with. I can't believe how many people I have in my life given where I started. The difference was attending al-anon, and working the steps. The people I met in alanon became friends, I also became more outgoing with others and made choices to do things without my AH. That last part was tough - I had this image of what it should be, based on how it was before he fell to the addiction. The reality was that our relationship could never meet the unrealistic expectations I had. For some, this could be enough to decide that the relationship is not fulfilling enough. For me, I decided to meet those socializing needs in other ways and remained committed to my relationship with my AH.
Please keep coming back to share, vent, and be among friends.
There is a cure for how your feeling , remember your best day when he was drunk .. I am not meaning to be a smartass here i do understand how u feel been there too , but we made new friends in recovery couples who were going to the same place we were , everything has to change and unfortunatley that includes u loose some friends along the way . stay in contact your friends women only if that is all thats offered , tell her how u feel it will make u feel better , its ok to tell people that thier behavior hurts you . We often had potluck suppers at our h ome program people he would tell people at his meetings and I at mine , we never knew how many would show but if they brought food it really didnt matter especially in the summer time . your going to be okay please if your not attending Al-Anon for yourself start now it is the best way to support sobriety , and there is always someone to talk to. make new friends .
I can identify with your share and understand how isolated you feel. I think face to face meeting would be very good for you. That isolation has disappear for me because of the lift that I have begun to make for myself. My friend's girl has special needs and I have got to know her through this program of recovery and the meetings. I really like her and my friend knows that I am there for her to supervise if needed. I have also offered to do so if required. I don't know if I would stuff my feelings about being left out of such things and maybe you could suggest events that would be suitable for you that they can participate in, as I can understand how you feel excluded and people do need to be more inclusive where special needs are concerned. My friend had to become quite assertive in this way as she too found that people did not recognise the barriers that they were putting up against her inclusion but once some got a chance to participate, lifelong supports and friendships were made.
I feel the same way right now - Its Sunday and I always think Sunday is one of the loneliest days in my life - My Ah never wants to do anything with his family but sit on the sofa or go to his meetings - I feel left behind - abandoned and and I think it has put such a big hole between us - He did his thing - his AA meetings and they come first for him and there has been no place for us - I go to Alanon meetings myself and online here which really help but I think Sunday I feel so vulnerable because everyone else is gone off doing family things and we dont cause he doesnt want to. Its so sad where this has brought us - 19 years later and it has left a rift between us - He no longer loves me and blames a lot on me but wont admit it - I never realized that depression was coming and how bad our life had got - thought it would get better but I cant help him - if he doesnt want to go to his psyc I cant make him - its up to him and I think he has decided that he needs out of this relationship (?? sorry some relationship)) instead of working on it - thats where the blame comes in he has to blame someone and it has to be me cause nobody else cares. BUt I will get better - I hate going places on my own - hate being the wallflower when everyone else has their spouses there but he doesnt want to - so I know where you are coming from - Hate it myself - Pray hope things will get better dont even know how to react or act anymore but I can only work on myself. Hate that pit in the bottom of my stomack hate it! Lonely
I know exactly how you feel... have special needs child and have had that awkward feeling that we are not really welcome places because no one is sure if it is a 'good' day for him or not. My AH is also mentally ill and while he has 6 yrs sober he has no friends and no life outside work. He has finally started on medication recently and it is making a big difference in the way he views life but all the years of isolation between his drinking years and his depressed years still make being home alone his fallback stance. I found a church I liked that did things I could go to and not feel out of sync, found a quilting group and go now and then, stuff that didn't make me seem like a single in a room full of couples. And of course there is my AlAnon home group... which funny enough is a COUPLES group mostly since it is a Parents group but even though I go alone I do not feel awkward or unwelcome. Such is the gift of the program! I am glad you vented here.... we care.... and we understand. again.... hugs to you.... keep coming back blessings, adonaisgirl/donna
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
Asking is all new behavior for me, and it's hard to practice. I grew up with parents who preferred to isolate and my ex-AH, while he was a social butterfly, he wasn't so social as to throw together celebrations, and if it was going to be a get-together, it was going to be all about him, not for anyone else.
It's hard to ask when I need things. Somewhere along the way, before Al-Anon, I learned that you don't throw celebrations for yourself. You sit around and wait for someone else to think of you, because if you do it yourself, you're conceited and full of yourself.
Worse than that, I somehow learned that if people didn't invite me to something, I was to take it personally as a slight or slap in the face. That they intentionally didn't want me around, so I'd feel hurt.
What a bunch of BS!
I've been learning in this program to ask - when I feel I want celebration and togetherness, I can't wait around for someone to think it up themselves and then remember to invite me.
I'm learning this from my sponsor. I think she's a pretty charismatic person who probably gets invited everywhere, but I remember very clearly last year when it was her belly-button birthday, she made all the arrangements for a get-together to celebrate. She didn't wait for a friend to suggest something in her honor.
So, I did the same this year for my own birthday. I wanted a get-together and I knew it might not happen if I just sat around waiting to see if someone would think of me. My sponsor's birthday is only a couple weeks before mine, so I talked with her and we did a joint celebration, plus made it into a housewarming celebration at my new place. We did it yesterday, and it was fantastic. All our mutual program friends showed up and just poured out their love and well-wishes.
And I don't think it would have happened at all if I hadn't asked.
I experience the same at my work. Often everyone goes out for birthdays and I sit here at my desk just waiting for someone to think to invite me or ask me when my birthday is. I really tried not to build a resentment over it, and I think I've done fairly well about not doing so, but again, this year I decided I'd stop isolating myself and speak up. Because I asked, we're going to be going out for lunch for my birthday. :)
Asking for things I need does not need to be limited to help with things like getting a ride from the auto repair shop to work, or seeing if a friend could help me move. It also means asking for people to show up and celebrate with me and fill me up with their love and friendship.
especially in the summer time . your going to be okay please if your not attending Al-Anon for yourself start now it is the best way to support sobriety , and there is always someone to talk to. make new friends .