The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I posted about a week ago that my AH moved out while I was at work.
He's still gone - he is living in a very scuzzy apartment on an air mattress.
Anyway, we have seen each other several times (just last night went to an open talk together), and we talk and text every day, several times a day. He says he needs to be alone to get a sponsor, start working the steps, and gain some independence. He says that this is only temporary, and that his goal is to come back home a better, stronger man and husband. I've been trying to be loving and compassionate (most of the time), and, we've actually been getting along pretty well in spite of the situation.
That said, I'm having a VERY hard time stomaching this. It doesn't help that he moved out and I had no idea that he was doing that. But, what's done is done. However, I'm just so tired of these alcoholics and their bad behavior that is "justified" because of the disease! We have a life together - if he truly wants that life (and he's maintained that he does), why does he think he can just walk away from it whenever he wants?!?
I love my AH, and I believe that he loves me. He's so confused right now he doesn't know if he's coming or going half the time. But, when all of this flux is directly affecting my life and my marriage, how can I "get out of the way?" I just don't know how to do it.
It's so confusing to me why he thinks he needs to be out of our home to achieve his goals. None of it makes sense. I think I'm his biggest supporter in his recovery.
I never thought that that his sobriety would bring so many other problems! :)
It is anything but easy! I truly relate to your post. My AH, at the time, told me the same thing- that he could not work on his program and be with me. He also said he hoped we could reconcile when he would be more stable in his program. I felt devastated, but tried to give him space. I prayed a lot, but did not have alanon during this time.
Hindsight, I now realize how fragile, unsteady, and confused my exHA was/ is, especially after rehab. I don't think he felt my love, as he was having/ has so much difficulty loving himself. I could not feel his love either, as it became difficult to love myself, too.
I've been working the program since last summer and found it made a huge impact on improving my thinking to be more positive and serene. Either I did not start alanon soon enough, or, in my case- and as hard as it is to accept- my marriage wasn't meant to be, as my exHA is now remarried. All I know is that things are more likely to run smoothly when using the alanon tools.
Keep coming back and know that often it takes time for things to unfold.
This is a perfect time to turn the focus on yourself. I had a lot of questions about the exA's behavior that were driving me crazy. Everyone here kept saying get to a meeting and put the focus on yourself. So I did. I felt like I was going to implode and thoughts of him were a virus spreading through my brain, the anger overwhelming. I got a sponsor, started working the steps, and threw myself into it 100%. Doing that left little time to think about him. The things I was finding out about myself, my part in all of my relationships, and how I could change and grow changed my life daily. It lifted the fog. It eased the pain little by little. It removed the rose colored glasses and let me see the truth - about myself and my relationships. Once I accepted the truth and saw other alternatives to what I had been doing, things became so much easier. I became so much happier. And choosing something other than that lifestyle became a no brainer. It removed the fear of not being loved by this person, the fear of being alone, and most of all it helped me see that I deserve to be treated well. I can do better. And I don't mean that from some looking down my nose point of view. I can live a healthier life. I can make better choices. I am the only one in control of my life unless I GIVE it to someone else. That is a LOT to give to someone else. Especially an active A. It teaches you to just focus on today because no one knows what is going to happen in the future. You don't know if you will be back together or not, but if you are wouldn't you prefer to be in a healthier and happier place? I know you want that for him. Why not for yourself?
Everything you need is in this program. It is free. There are usually enough meetings you can work it around your schedule. And the literature, Al-Anon approved and others, is so so very helpful in understanding alcoholism, but most importantly our behavior in an alcoholic relationship. The fellowship is wonderful. The love and support make the pain we are dealing with and the pain from healing bearable. We have been there. We are here for you.
Getting out of their way and turning the focus on yourself, letting go of their behavior because their is nothing you can control, is the first step (literally). You are powerless over them. Taking that first step is the beginning and the work ahead is difficult but so very rewarding.
Please keep coming back.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
What he has told you in true in a sense. His recovery is just that his. He must do it his way in order for it to work.
You have to find recovery for yourself dear friend. This disease affets the entire family and everyone we love.
Please try and find a face to face meeting for you. Keep coming back, keep working on you. You see he is your addiction. Maybe try and not make yourself so accessable and start doing things for just you. This of course is my opinion.
I was married to an alcoholic addict for 20 yrs I know where you are coming from.
In life where there is life there is hope....working a program will help you realize this...you have to remember to work a program for you and not him.
I'm so sorry for your situation, and I can see that it's very frustrating to you. Others have offered great advice already.
My only observation is that you never know HP's will. Perhaps your AH is doing the very thing that will save your relationship? Perhaps his insight about needing to get strong himself and being away from you for a while will be the thing you look back on and realize - that was the turning point. Perhaps one day you will look back and say, "I set him free and I found my own recovery - that was the best thing I could have done". I honestly don't know, you don't know, but HP does - can you trust in HP?
I had a very similar experience. Watching them choose to live in conditions that they don't have to and in my case watching him do nothing but drink himself silly every single night and seemingly make no progress in any direction. I then of course made nice enough with him and helped him financially till things happened in such a way so that if he was going to stay in his little sleezy room I was going to have to pay the next weeks rent or he was going to be locked out on the street so then he moved home... and we are back exactly where we were before but not knowing that he definitly wanted it or that he did not want it " circumstances" just kinda made it happen and I swear I did not knowingly plan it out that way but didn't pay attention and avoid it either - The whole deal just like so many other "drama's" in our life really made no change at all to anything just expense and drama and bad memories. Whatever happens for you I hope and pray for you that it is a step in a positive direction.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Many times understanding arrives on its own terms.
I can assure you that your husband most likely loves you, but at the same time, he needs space. I can truly understand that. I have divorced recently; my used-to-be husband recently asked if we could still continue seeing each other since we can still get along. I said no. I need time by myself. How much time? I do not know. I will know when I know. I also think he needs his space to possibly connect to his HP (this is up to him, of course.) I am stepping aside to make room for the possible connection. (Thanks Jerry for suggestion this to someone else on this board; it clicked with me and has stuck like super glue.)
You received a lot of good advice already. May your road not be too bumpy.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You say your his biggest supporter what about your meetings are u attending f2f for yourself ? He is in what I lovingly call Stark Raving sober mode and u described it perfectly dosent have a clue wether he is comming or going . I love the bs I need to be alone but text and call 10 times a day , sorry want to figure it out , go do that but let me do the same .. Getting out of the way for me meant just that no contact til he figured it out constant calling upset any progress i may have had that day on getting the focus back on myself. Until I realized that I too had a right to be happy and that his happiness was not my problem I always put my needs last to take care of him as most of us do . if I want respect I have to ask for it and taking care of me was what worked for me . We have 20yrs ofsobriety in our home today I dont have to come first now but i do make sure I get my turn .hehe
Aloha Stop and Chat...The reason that you are sooo confused is that you don't know yet what others have learned from letting go and letting God and turning over control of the Alcoholic in their lives and then going to Al-Anon asking for help to see clearnly and come to a proper understanding.
His biggest supporter actually would be another recoving fellow in AA who knows that it was like, has learned how to get and stay sober and who desires to help another struggling alcoholic. Being his biggest supporter would be to want that other person there in his life (in my case my alcoholic wife's life to help her save her own). I was too bush trying to support and fix her that I wouldn't let another person attempt it and maybe do it much better than I.
If the best your alcoholic can do for now is an air matress in a shabby rental ( I didn't have the luxury of the matress inflated or not and a curtain makes a poor blanket on a cold night) just pray that when he lays down to sleep that a power greater than yourself is laying there holding and consoling him. That is kinda, sorta what I've experienced.
Just a bit of "Don T" (elder sponsor) wisdom if I may? "If what you're doing isn't working...stop it!" It didn't get anymore basic than that.
Hi everyone, Thank you so much for your responses and your wisdom.
I think I know that I need to let him do what he feels he needs to do for his sobriety. However, I just don't know if I'm able to wait for him to do that. I guess that's a decision I'll have to make.
Why should he get to just "check out" of life and walk away from all of his responsibilities?! I'm left here in the house to pay all of the bills. He says he's going to help, but, there is only so much he can do with his paycheck - he will not be able to support two households. I'm really angry about that.
Jerry F, I WISH he had a sponsor and was working his program! He really hasn't done that yet - that's part of the problem. I've done nothing but encourage him to do that. For some reason, he's putting it off. Believe me, I want nothing more for him to have that support. I've even given him the phone number of an AA old timer that I met through a friend. That's part of what my AH is supposed to do during this separation, according to him - get a sponsor and start working the steps.
I attend several f2f meetings a week (on my way to one shortly). And, I'm in constant contact with someone from Alanon - especially lately.
I remember your post about his leaving with no notice or anything. I can understand that being hard to stomach, a dificult situation whether alcoholism has been involved or not.
getting out of the way ... was a hard one for me. Sometimes decisions seemed so simple to me I just wanted to say here is a phone number, say this, take that left and poof you'll be fine and we ... I ... will be happy Fortunately LOL we don't all work that same way and now when i think about it if someone had tried to tell me how to find my way thru this maze I probably would have threw a fit. Each step and lesson came at a hard price, pretty much because I tried everything else. Now, years later I am truly grateful to the people who stepped back followed thier own boundaries and let me hit each of my bottoms because the only time I learned was when I found the way to get the help for myself. Using that hindsight it is esier now to understand getting out of the way.
At the time and in relation to my xah I had to work step 1,2,3 over and over and over sometimes pertaining to each tiny little part of life. I am powerless over alcohol and othe rpeople, my xah in particular. I do believe in a power greater than myself and that power is the only thing that can restore not only mine but other people's sanity and serenity. And then I bargained, begged and finally just asked for my HP to take over. Along with this a question I read or was asked by someone, I'm sorry I forget who or where, was in my head. "Would you rather have your husband as it is or would you rather he be in recovery and happy even if not with you?" Somehow when all that clicked together I got it, I was able to let go and let HP take over, and get out of the way.
I don't know if any of that helps you at all but I thank you for the chance to have thought my way thru it
