The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
some of you may ahve read my earliers post.. i can't say enough how glad i am to have found you guys...
i needed som wdvice.. my A in in recovery... he attends meetings and is away from usage.. someoen helped me understand it is difficult for him too.. he has been behaving very different and detached though.. i can see he is stressed out but he keeps running out ot parties all the time to hide from his stress.. i don't thing it really works though cause now its just soemthing he has to do.. till iwent with him it was all fine.. but it got too much for me so i started suggesting we sit together at home a few nights a week.. every since he leaves by himself and his friends.. he's hoem late and very late sometimes.. i couldnt handle it and we fought.. haven't really been speakign since but this never seems to make a difference to him (he doesnt voice it atleast) and it has always been this way.. i am only 3 and a half years into my marriage and still understanding so many things about my husband..
at a stage like this what shoudl i do... he even asked me to leave the house and go to my mothers... im too attached to home to do that... i miss him even though we live under teh same roof cause i dont feel him around.. im out to work in the mornings before he's awake and asleep before he gets back home.. i really need help.. hope some fo you can guide me through how i shoudl be interacting with him cause if i snap again and say something the next time he's home at 3 am it's only gonna get worse ... oh God... why am i so attached..
For me I was so attached because that was the normal and natural thing to be under normal and natural conditions or what I was once told was the "white picket fence" syndrome however I was married to and fully participating in the disease of alcoholism so there went the fence and the cottage and street and flowers and every other thing that was attached to the dream picture. Looking at your picture as you paint it and being a long time member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and a recovering alcoholic myself I see some basic stuff missing. He's going to parties to relieve stress and your fixated on an addicted person who hasn't, isn't and won't live life according to your expectations.
Does he have a sponsor? a recovering person who knows how to relieve stress without partying?
Where are your face to face meetings where you can go to and listen to how others in your condition have found another way to live life without being fixed or addicted to another person. We also have sponsors.
Read your post again as if you were a different person than the one who wrote it and see what the picture tells you. Unconditional love means (for me) to love every other humans being for exactly who they are without any lose of love for myself at the same time. The post ready more like addiction (to him) than love (of him).
Scroll back thru the many postings from the past and read where others have come from and with an open mind you will come to understand.
If your not attending Al-Anon Family Groups open meetings I'd suggest you find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call for the meeting places and times you can get to.
He?...He's gonna keep doing whatever he's doing that he thinks is working for him and you're powerless over that. Attempt to have more power and your life will get more unmanageable.
You know what has not been working and you received some wonderful ES&H from others members in your last post. My ES&H would be for you to read those replies again and consider doing for yourself what has worked for others. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
The secret to a much better life for yourself can be found in the rooms of Al-Anon. Attending f2f meetings, reading the Al-Anon literature that is available to you at the meeting, listening to what other members have to share, accepting the program, working your program. and focusing on yourself....not the alcoholic in your life. If you do that your life will change for the better. A simple program that when practiced can be life altering.
Take a step in that direction, do something for yourself for a change. From your last two post it is obvious that what you have been doing is not working. Your alcoholic is going to do what he is going to do.....the most important thing is.....what are you going to do?......the meetings last approximately one hour.....a small price to pay for your serenity.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 23rd of July 2010 06:44:50 PM
I'm glad you came back to share, please come back anytime. I found the greatest relief when I sought my own recovery, regardless of what my AH was doing. I was so attached to my husband, I barely saw us as separate people. I lived and breathed, was happy or unhappy, based on how he was doing. To become less attached, I had to work on who I was. I had to see myself as a different person, responsible for myself only. I did that by going to alanon. It was painful sometimes. I had grown so comfortable seeing us as glued together. But over time, I saw that I was a distinct person. And I am ok.
Hugs, Rocky
-- Edited by Rocky38 on Friday 23rd of July 2010 09:46:02 PM
Wow sounds like my life. My A has been sober for 3 years but stays gone a lot. He took up working on cars. Told me he has to stay busy otherwise he goes crazy. He can't sit still. I am starting to understand it has nothing to do with me.
I try to keep busy and have recently went back to f2f meetings which helps me a lot. I finally understand how important these meetings are for me.
One thing for sure, by being in a relationship with an A, we get the opportunity to work on ourselves and for extra credit deal with the difficult living that only an alcoholic can bring.
Im always struck that because an alcoholic has his bad behaviors , we are labled co dependents or we are doing something wrong in the relationship by depending on this person that is suppose to care for us and we for them.
Unfortunately for us Alanons were not dealing with the norm. Yes, there are always issues enough between men and women who are not A's. Let me ask this question, if we were in a relationship with lets say a normal person, and they kept going out and partying and leaving us at home many nites, would we put up with it. Because they have a disease do we rationalize it all on the drinking and then figure a way to put it on ourselves for being so dependent. There is a fine line. Its all so complex.
Yes, I agree, we need to concentrate and work on ourselves and have less expectation of the alcoholic. The question here is are we willing to give up so much just to stay in a relationship that is not bringing us satisfaction and happiness. Disease or not! I say its ok to have expectations from our partners, but we must face the reality of knowing that the sick person cannot give what we are seeking. But know its ok to strive for that happiness we deserve. I have a close friend whose husband is suffering from a mental disease, he does not drink, but she complains about the same things that a person married to an A talks about. I couldnt help but be struck by this point. There are days she wants to leave. It takes great understanding of oneself and a great capacity to endure living with a sick human being.
The goal I would say is to bring that happiness to ourselves and know that nobody can bring it to us. That when we do find that partner , that they add to our life and they want to be with us. I know that the alcoholic is struggling, but so are we .
Keep coming back to this wonderful spiritual pathway. Build that path to your higher power and know that we ar here to help you along the way.
Wishing you strength and courage. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 24th of July 2010 12:51:36 PM
I think the issue about expectations is that of course everyone deserves a healthy loving relationship where people have their needs valued and anticipated. There are many people here who have had relationships with alcoholics who have been able to do that. Other times when the disease has progressed it is not possible to do that. None of us walk out of any of these relationships overnight we all have investments, emotional, physical and more. If we're in one generally we have some issue that is being triggered. So I do think the al anon recommendation to look at expectations and stop going to the "hardware store to buy meat" is useful. Naturally if and when we manage to get healthy we may want to evaluate our relationships. For me that means all relationships not just the one with the alcoholic. My boundaries were awol with lots of people. I have to look at how I present myself to the world and that's a pretty intense self focus.
I do think that Getting them Sober is a great read for the reason of really shining a light on what the alcoholic does. I also think that the book is gentle enough to make suggestions rather than demands. I needed suggestions not commands.
My sponsor says "Get off his back, get out of his way, and get on with your life!" I like it. My AH is about 16 months sober now. He stays incredibly busy. Sometimes I get pissy because he says we'll spend the weekend together and then he has meetings, service work, goes to the gym, etc. Once in a while I find myself starting to give him a guilt trip. I'm taking steps to do other things instead, though - to recognize when I start to feel sorry for myself that I didn't have things go exactly the way I expected. I am trying to remind myself that having expectations of him is setting myself up for feeling bad. Most of all, I'm trying to remember that I'd rather see him way less and have him be sober when I do see him than I would see him a ton but have him be drunk. The time I have alone gives me the freedom to come here and chat with you guys, spend extra time with my little boys, work from home, shop online, and other things that I find enjoyable.
I agree with wp - encouragement and understanding is good. So is getting out of the way and letting him do what he needs to do in his own recovery.
