The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally separated from my husband. I've come to the conclusion where I'm OK with a divorce. He does not want to. In the past I asked him so many times for couples counseling which he often would avoid and not make time for.....The children are OK, yet I understand change is difficult for them as well and they ask why we are not together.
I had suggested Retrovaille before which is a faithbased counseling retreat which encourages married couples to "work it out" and will not tell you "oh well, maybe you should divorce"........now I don't really care though.
If it's anyone arranging counseling and fixing this time, it's him, because I tried my best.......Is this being self-rightous? I'm physically, literally, tired of "putting into a relationship" w/ a AH and making excuses for his behavior........but I know what I don't like in this life.....and dishonesty had always been a big no-no for me even before I married him. I never liked a dishonest person, but am I being too hard? If it's not wrong, why do they do it?? Who am I to judge?
I feel better taking my ring off :( It might feel better, but I still get that tight feeling in the tummy as if I'm mourning a loss....and maybe I am.
We have both been going to meetings at least one time out of the week (with our schedule).....Today I'm going to one.......I need to be civil with him which I am from time to time, but then I'll snap at the drop of a hat.
All I need is patience.......This morning I ranted on his text.....I"m not proud of that. Shame on me. If there are any positive exercises out there on PATIENCE, please post for myself and anyone that needs it .......Much love to all........ thank you
Aloha Rose...Humbly let me give to you what has just been given to me from the "otherside of the board" or AA side. Here is a members share almost while you were posting yours. "It is not just a person's physical constitution, their intelligence, their education, or even their social conditioning that enables them to withstand hardship. Much more significant is their inner development. And while some may be able to survive through sheer willpower, the ones who suffer the least are those who have a high degree of patience and courage in the face of adversity."
He got that from the Dai Lai Lama's facebook page.
I found a lot of patience by making a plan B. It took the focus for me off the resentment, the attempts by the now ex A to manipulate me and more.
I also think working on detachment really helped. Sometimes I had to go day by day and when I slipped and over reacted, get right back up again and go back to detachment.
For me, patience needs to come down to myself first. I need to love myself and be patient with myself before I can even try with others. This means being forgiving of myself when I just can't seem to muster any patience for others.
It's not excusing bad behavior on my part, but recognizing it when it happens and slowly developing habits in a long list of "ah ha moments" that for me could go like this:
1. Snapping at someone and feeling justified and going on with the rest of my day completely unaware of my behavior.
2. Snapping at someone and feeing justified but later in the day reflecting back and thinking "oh... I maybe could have showed up differently in that..."
3. Snapping at someone, feeling justified and then later reflecting back, thinking "oh... I maybe could have showed up differently in that..." then thinking "Hmmm. HOW can I show up differently?" and coming up with possible scenarios.
4. Snapping at someone, then immediately realizing "oh... I did it again and I don't like my behavior."
5. Snapping at someone, then immediately realizing "oh... I did it again and I don't like my behavior." and then making amends.
6. Feeling the urge to snap at someone and immediately realizing I don't like how I feel when I do that and choosing to bite my tongue, but go fume and squirm with my repressed feelings.
7. Feeling the urge to snap at someone, immediately realizing I don't like how I feel, then biting my tongue and going back later to reflect on WHY I felt the urge to snap in the first place. What about the situation put me into a place of anger?
8. Recognizing when a potential situation is boiling where I may snap and making a conscious choice to respond with different behavior entirely and later feeling good about how I showed up in the situation.
Sooo. If you had the patience (haha) to read all of that, for me, it is a LONG process, which I'm not always successful at, but I'm slowly making progress from moving from the one end of the spectrum where I take on the victim role and go on completely unaware of my behavior, feeling it's all the OTHER person's fault as to why I reacted the way I did, to the other end of the spectrum where I meet an adverse situation with patience and love because I know what my hot buttons are and understand it's all up to me as to whether or not I allow those hot buttons to be pushed and that I am entirely responsible for my behavior.
In reading what you have written, though, I feel as though you're walking a parallel line with me in what I've experienced with my soon ex-AH. I eventually came to a place where I told him if he wanted things to work (because I was pretty much done), the effort needed to be on his part. He needed to schedule the appointments with the counselor - choose the counselor, even.
I felt good putting it in his hands like that. That way there was no possibility of his blaming the schedule or the counselor or the sessions at all on me.
In the long run, my AH eventually did decide it was still all my fault as to why we were in counseling, and the excuses came as to why he couldn't make it... And fairly soon after that, I decided for myself it was time to move on and let go.
Patience comes to me when I trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and so is everyone else. Our places may not be the same or even compatible but exactly where we are supposed to be. Kind of like if I had dinner meeting someone at a restaurant and took different routes ... one person will arrive first and have to have patience or keep busy til the other arrives at the same point or decision or bottom
Personally after repeated attempts at counseling I reached a point where I was only willing to go if my xah made the appointments and committed to going. There were too many times that i did it all and sat there myself, which in the long run helped me tremendously LOL I was where I was supposed to be but not with much patience at that time.
When I hit frustration and began demanding things - it was bc I was attemtping to control something, an outcome or person. My frustration and impatience came bc I was busy trying to control things that are not me. Being impatient is emotionally immature and that was what motivated me, I wanted emotional health and maturity.
I heard in a mtg once, that when u pray for patience, HP gives you soemthing to be patient about/for. Well, I sure didnt want that lol. I face my desires for control, re direct myself back to me and what I can do.
I found that the impatience was coming from my wants and fantasies - not my true needs.
I think patience, faith, love, understanding, forgiveness - they are all things I have to actively practise, to have and maintain. It is in the practising of it, that we have it.
I pray for the willingness and an open mind too when I think I need that. I willingly surrender what I am controlling or feeling (if its a neagtive, unwanted emotion) & HP takes it, when I hand it over willingly.
Fear is the opposite of faith and I think fear can sap our patience too.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 28th of July 2010 12:17:08 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
