It will sound (read) lame, but I am at a loss........... - Al-Anon Family Group

Harvest · Newbie

It will sound (read) lame, but I am at a loss...........

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, what kind of role models are you for your children? This is a family disease, I grew up in it, suffering right along side my parent who was either in denial of what was affecting me &/or unable or unaware of how to change. I emulated my mom and became the best little codependent person I could, hyper focused on her every move, whim, breath. As a teenager, ask me what I wanted to do with my life and I would have an anxiety attack right there, I didnt know how to think of what I wanted. I was cosnumed with my mom and the relationship with her AH. It is a manipualtive dynamic.

Give alanon a try for YOU. If u seek recovery, u can emulate a healtheir way to be for them and give them another option of how they can be. They want structure and health and love and intimacy.
That was all I wanted from my mom, her attention and understanding. It feels like you are all alone when they check out with you sitting right next to them. As the spouse, Im sure u feel that same way. Kids tend to blame themselves and own the responsibility, which is the codependent/enabler's way of being.

The truth is, we cannot feel for them or fix them, we can only feel, deal, heal for ourselves. Even our kids, we cant control them and they are their own unique individual with choices, and a life they will have to learn to navigate and find thier own peace and happiness.

Alanon is all about YOU and what is right for you. It will teach u coping skills for life. Glad u found us, hope u stay around for the miracle.

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Harvest,

Welcome to the MIP family!! Please don't take the edit to your post personally - we tend to avoid harsh language here.

Your post does not sound LAME at all!!! Sounds very familiar. You have come to the right place. Sounds like you have made an attempt at Al-Anon before, hopefully this time it will be successful! Even if it is just here with us, posting on the forum, joining our chat room or online meetings. Face to face meetings are better . . . but this is the first step to recovery for YOU and how you choose to do it is completely up to you. We have a lot of recommended reading as well.

When I first arrived I spent a lot of time reading other peoples' stories and I knew I was not alone. It was crazy how much we had in common. And I felt so alone, so insane, so confused. Al-Anon helped me out of that and I am so glad you are here.

Please keep coming back.

Tricia

miss_carol · Member

You are in the right place. I am new to alanon and I already feel better and am functioning better.
I hope you go to some meetings and continue to post. ((((hugs))))

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually we don't go to al anon to get any alcoholic or addict to quit, we go for ourselves. There are tremendous tools in al anon that can help you with or without an A.

I can certainly go there with the frustration, pain, anger and grief around an alcoholic. These days after being in al anon for a while, I can "detach", have boundaries (mine were always tramped on before). I certainly live around active alcoholics and addicts currently. The chaos and lies are tremendous, they are daily, cumulative and they don't ever "end". After a long long time of working this program, I make certain the chaos affects me as little as possible. I have boundaries, I set limits, I enforce them. Nothing I have done has affected their desire to drink at all. They keep at it. I don't expect them to change. What changed was me. Needless to say none of the actions (particularly of having boundaries) is popular with the alcoholics. In the past my "people pleasing" would not have allowed me to enforce them. I would cave in and then blame them. Working on all my charactor traits is what has enabled me to work this program. I have to say its tremendous hard work, there is always something to do and I need guidance (me who knows it all). I would recommend it very highly and hope you will give al anon a shot.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Harvest...Welcome to MIP!! Here and in the rooms of Al-Anon we learn to
speak for ourselves in terms of "I" and we let go of the Alcoholic and Addicts and
their drugs of choice and their consequences. We learn that "we" are not the
cause of it, control of it or the cure of it and "we" learn to become an "I" and
become responsible for our own rebuilt lives and positive outcomes. Al-Anon
was magic for me, a miracle promised and kept if I would only come into the
rooms, sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice what was being
taught and suggested. I did and what I have now for a life has a value that
can't be measured in physical terms. I know happiness and peace of mind
and serenity. I know gratitude for the program and you will to if you will get
to the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and begin the journey.
Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and the "A" section. It
usually reads as Al-Anon plain and simple. Call that number and get the
times and places we meet at and come meet us. Stay with Miracles in Progress
because I have never met a title to a esite that was as evident at what does
happen here. You can be next. (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Not lame at all , what to do ? go to those meetings regardless of what he says , u need support . Once there it isn't about him anyway ,we don't talk about them we talk about ourselves . he will adjust to your attending meetings eventually absolutley nothing will change until someone changes and u cant wait for him this is your life and we only get to go round once .. take care of yourself get the focus on your needs he will do what he has to do . we are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change . my husb owned his own business too hard worker but his alcoholism took him from our family , our kids deserve one sane parent .. good luck Louise

Harvest · Newbie

Thank you, I appreciate all your wise words, they are very supportive and I understand that I cannot "change" or "make him stop", and that its time to make myself stronger. I can't put into words why I am not ready to go to a meeting, but eventually I will.

Again Thank You! Leslee

-- Edited by Harvest on Saturday 24th of July 2010 04:33:49 PM

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

The thing that jumped out at me in your post was "what kind of a Mom and I?" Well I firmly believe you can be a fanfastic fantastic Mom regardless of what he is up to and what the kids see.... It might be better if they didn't see that stuff but you can work on how you react and what kind of an example how loving and patient and positive you are regardless of if he is with them or not. Please don't forget that! Please.... I know I"m not the best me I can be because of how I react sometimes but you can and probably are still a very good Mom- don't let yourself get so down that you forget that you are seperate from the disease and can still be the most positive influence in your kids life- find and do whatever you need to find (face to face meetings, friends, work etc) so that your children no matter how old they are not are able to say... Mom had it going on ... in spite of other issues...

Glad I made this post, think I may be speaking to myself some here too! HP is good and he loves me and you!!! and our loved ones A's or not!!!!

PS I know what you mean about being "ready" to go to a meeting- I challenge you to be strong enough to try 6,... yep 6 meetings in a row then post how thankful you are that you did and how your fears were not realized only hope support and understanding that there are alot of people out there like you, that was the one thing I got most out of meetings realizing I was NOT crazy or weird or alone. Alone is the hardest part for me. The word alone......should be beside the word alcoholism in the dictionary.

-- Edited by glad on Sunday 25th of July 2010 02:30:21 PM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

What kind of role model are you?

I am pretty sure every parent on earth has asked themselves the same question. No of us are perfect.
But now you know at least part of the problem, your husband is an A. The other part of the problem is how you handle the situation. One healthy parent is better than none.
My husband and I are not A's but both of us grew up in the insanity and chaos. When we had kids we vowed thier lives would be different. We were a very close family, we supported our children in any and all passions they had. Never missed a school function, practice, game, recital etc. Gosh we thought we had this diease beat ya know. We were going to break the cycle.
What we didn't know that because of our upbringing we took on the traits of our A's and co dependents and passed those along to our children. I wish I could turn back the clock and found my own recovery 20 years ago.
One of our sons is now an addict, which at times truly baffles us as he wasn't rasied that way at all. Truly believe genetics play a big part in this disease
Not sure how old your children are but my suggestion is to get yourself to meetings and work the program so you can learn a healthier way to cope and live, your children will see this and hopefully emulate you and not thier father. If your children are old enough I would get them into ala teen or alanon to learn thier own coping skills and to really understand none of this is thier fault.
Blessings to you

ythannah · Senior Member

Harvest wrote:

He gets mad at the world (very knowledgeable about the world, history, geography, political, lots of bitterness towards society....)

Not lame at all -- that sentence above could just as easily be describing my former recovering-alcoholic, pot-smoking boyfriend. Actually, all the chronic longterm pot users I know are incredibly bitter and negative and a little paranoid.

Like you, I was reluctant to go to a face to face meeting. Nor could I articulate why. Fear I suppose was part of it. And probably an underlying arrogance that I could deal with the effects of alcoholism intellectually, without going to a 12-step meeting.

But I found myself at my emotional wits' end, so I went to that first meeting, figuring I had nothing to lose at that point. And I felt like I'd come home. smile

So what can you do? You can only change yourself, and Al-Anon will give you the support and the skills to do that.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.