Hi, Good -- Remember there's no one definitive "right" answer.  You seem to be tending towards leaving the marriage, and then questioning yourself about that.  It seems to me that the biggest question here is the one people often recommend: "What's my motivation?"  So maybe you might think about your real motivation for questioning leaving.  I know my own motivations are hidden under layers of ideas about what I really should think, my fears, etc. 

In my own experience, I had many reasons why I didn't leave my AH for years.  At first I believed his assertions that he was now on a program of recovery, and I thought, "Why should I leave when he's finally sober, as I wanted?"  Then when he began to relapse, I believed him when he said he was going to get right back into his program.  Or maybe I just wanted to believe him so much that I didn't look hard at the evidence.  As it went on, I just had so many fears that I might regret leaving, that I'd be alone forever and I couldn't handle aloneness, that I'd be a failure if the relationship didn't work out, that my life would be a disaster, that he'd get sober and I'd be sorry I'd left, and every other fear that a fearful brain can have.  I was surprised, in my case, to find that when I actually did leave (and I was so scared that I nearly rethought it even when he was moving his things out) -- I was fine.  In fact I felt so much relief!  And I'm sure it's better for our little boy not to be around his dad's behavior.

But what is best for you only you can know.  Some people stay with their A's and learn to detach and live healthily.  Anyway, what I was trying to say is that maybe it's not whether you go or stay, but why you make the choices you do, that is the next thing to look at.  Hugs to you.

I trust the answer will come to you in time and you will make the decision for whatever is right for you.

It took me years to figure out if I could remain married. After many years of marriage, we separated for about 5 years prior to the divorce- a necessity for myself and our daughter, who was not doing well with him at home. My hearts' desire was to try and work things out, but I didn't know how. I felt like I was living a double-life, as I went ahead and lived life mostly without my spouse. I learned to go to the movies alone, eat meals alone, etc. I went to a gym and developed hobbies... I was forever waiting for the time we could reunite.

He had his first round at rehab.

Finally, the debt was escalating so quickly and so astronomically, that it would not be long before losing the house as well as everything we ever saved for. I am not sure if he was active or "dry-drunk", but he did attend AA meetings. I pushed for the divorce, letting him know the reason and that I want to continue to have hope that we can reconcile. Sadly, to this day, he does not remember the conversation.

He went back into rehab, this time apparently, stating it was my pushing the divorce that did it. He says he cannot understand why I pushed for it when he was working his program.

We divorced and carried on the same as when we were separated. There were more discussions of wanting to spend more time together, but our daughter was very angry with him and was acting out and this created more challenges. My exHA did not understand this. He did not have a relationship with her and he could not reason or acknowledge that the teen years have these challenges. Instead, he apparently took this as my rejecting him.

He remarried within a year.

Today, I was feeling sentimental and remembering some very special and wonderful things my exHA has done for me among all the ugliness from the disease. I remember when my daughter and I were returning home, and, it had snowed an unusual 6 ft of snow. He shoveled a path from the street to the door and had dinner and red roses waiting for me. I was so touched. Remembering this brought tears to my eyes today.

But, he was not like this all the time or even most of it, as the disease progressed. During a conversation with him yesterday on the phone, there was a lag time and, for a split second, I hadn't realized he began to respond to my question. I stopped talking to listen; but, it was too late- he shouted in a nasty tone, "Are ya listening!!!" *sigh* I was hurt by his response, but I know and accept that the disease has taken a toll on him too.

While limbo stinks, you don't need to make a decision until you are ready. Not making a decision is making a decision... but, that can be just for today. I find that 'just for today' takes a lot of pressure off of me and I try and practice saying it a lot. ...just for today, it is ok that I cry that I can't retrieve and hold the loving moments with my exha that I cherish.

I have also given myself permission to love him as I accept and respect his new life path that does not include me.

I would like to believe that this is all a part of God's plan to bring us to the place he wants us.

Now, I need to work on loving myself- something that has been horribly neglected, as I beat myself up every time something didn't go well, or every time my exha was/is nasty to me.

Wishing you all the love and support in your decisions and journey.