The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Again it is the First Step location. Admitted we were powerless...there is another take...Accepted we were powerless...and accepted the fact of the situation while not accepting the behavior. When I accepted the fact of the situation of my alcoholic/addict wife's using behavior and that it was going on and would continue to go on with or without my approval or acknowledgement I caved in and let go. There is nothing we can do when the will of the other person doesn't match ours and they act as they choose. What do I do with the fear and anxiety and anger and confusion and guilt and shame and the other negative feelings. I go to face to face meetings and listen to others who have survived and are happy and growing mind, body, spirit and emotions. That is what they did and that is what I do now. It works for them and for me. Acceptance is required...liking it is optional. (((((hugs)))))
I am sorry to hear about you losing your mom and your brother. A 15 year old using drugs, that scares me. My daughter is almost 14 so not much younger. I don't know what to tell you that you could do.
I know it says we are only given as much as we can handle and sometimes it is hard for me to believe as well.
At some point she might get caught smoking and will have some consequences to deal with. I don't know how I would handle your situation.
It may not be addictive but I have heard it can cause the loss of brain cells and that is bad enough.
I have a 19 year old son who has caused me to project outcomes which are whey out of focus too, I have a habit of looking whey beyond what is really happening and seeing all the bad stuff if I don't nip it in the bud right now, I can have time's still like you mention but I have come to a descison that he knows what I think and what I want for him, what ever I say now will be a repeat of the same old same old, and he shuts off, I have backed off now, changed my angle on this, he has had enough input to know the difference, he has to choose for himself what that choice is, I just think to myself well he is in the hands of god now.
It's took me quite some time to understand the power of doing nothing, just step back breath and sit quiet, it gives our heads time to rest, it does take practice, because I am an accomplished nagg, setting some boundaries too, of consequences, tough love it is sooooooooooo hard the first time you think your head will explode, but follow through and you will benefit from your strength and you will start to see a difference, if you do something different.
1ST AND FOREMOST: Pot IS addictive! And regardless of what others may say, it CAN lead to experimentation of other substances!
I say this b/c I have experience with what you are going through!! A LOT OF EXPERIENCE!!
My son will be 17 in a couple of weeks. He started smoking cigs and pot in middle school. I of course was unaware of this until he was deep into the thick of it. I was busy dealing w/his my AH (his dad) and a baby and I didn't pick up on the early warnings signs for my son.
It wasn't until after the divorce & moving to a new neighborhood that things got bad. He was defiant and rude, stayed out passed curfew, not coming home at all, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, skipping school, shoplifting. I did everything I could think of to help him. I put double barrell locks on my doors & took the keys to bed w/me at night so he couldn't go out the doors. I put key locks on ALL windows & hid those keys so he couldn't go out the windows. I ended up having to Gorilla Glue those window locks & screws b/c he was using my kitchen knives to unscrew them & get out. I posted signs up all over the neighborhood w/his picture and the catch phrase "Are You Harboring A Run-Away Teenager?" on a rainbow of colored paper. I talked with the school, counselors, even called Social Services. I filed run away reports every night he wasn't home by curfew (got to know the cops in my neighborhood very well!).
In the end, the only thing that turned him around was getting in trouble with the law. The punishments I could hand down to him as a parent did not affect him. Once that punishment was taken out of my hands & into a judge's hands, he began to straighten up. To have some felony charges dismissed for him, we entered a Drug Court Program and have been in it for 18 months. He should graduate from the program in Sept. He spent most of Spring & Summer 2009 in Juvie & the Group Home b/c he couldn't follow the program rules in the beginning. It has been a tough program, strict schedule & a lot of work & dedication on the teen & parents. It has been worth it though! It turned our lives around. He got his GED, has been working a job for 30-40 hours a week and has been clean since last mid-summer.
Teenagers are hard to raise. You do the best you can and hope they grow into responsible adults. I know my story may sound horrible and something you don't want to go through. I just wanted to share it with you so you could see that even in toughest of dark days, things can work out in the end. I am not saying life is just peachy with my son now either. But they are definately a lot better and I feel the arguements we have now are the typical parent/teen type - clean your room, cut the grass, no you're not an adult @ 17 and cannot move out - type of arguements.
My suggestion for you: See if you can get your daughter to agree to some sort of counseling. Maybe look into a Teen AA group in your area. Good Luck to you.
Another quit note: It may help you to get some counseling too. Get educated on substance abuse. Learn about marijuana. Pot these days is not the same pot from 10 or 20 years ago! And drug counselor or doctor will tell you this. It is way harsher, mixed with different chemicals and it DOES kill brain cells. Not to mention stores fat cells on the brain causing the sluggish slow reaction time to things. Do some research. I learned A LOT about pot in the Drug Court Program that I never knew. I learned a lot about all kinds of drugs and their effects on the body & mind.
Pot is addictive, I am married to a pot addict. I have a 15 year old who smokes it regularly not to mention other things. I will send prayers and hugs your way. I had to do alot of research about pot. I had a view that it was ok because it was only pot. It has affected my life just like living with any other addict.
Alanon has helped me so much. It takes a lot to step back and detach when it is your child. Kepp coming back and I hope you and your daughter find solutions. HUGS
The latest thinking in the substance abuse field is that pot use can meet the criteria for addiction: there is a known tolerance effect (more needed over time to obtain same results), there are withdrawal symptoms (though nothing like other substances!), dependency can develop, and people can persist in using it in spite of negative consequences for doing so.
Pot use in adolescence is strongly associated with poorer educational attainment and poorer employment retention in later years.
The earlier pot use starts, the more strongly it correlates with other "harder" drug use in future.
Pot sure isn't the benign "herb" that marijuana advocates like to portray. At the very least, you're drawing about 400 distinct chemicals into your lungs when you smoke -- how can anyone think that is healthy?
Both of my XABFs were chronic pot smokers, and they sure weren't willing to give it up.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
"Grant us the serenity to accept the thing we cannot change the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference"
I can only speak for myself and then about what I BELIEVE I would do in your situation. 1. Get counseling for my daughter 2. for myself as well as a connection to her's (family therapy, education on substance abuse etc.) 3. Where possible enforce some consequences.
Where I live they have programs called PINS ( Parents in Need of support - its a form of probation for a child who is out of control).
I personally don't believe I could or should let my 15 year old daughter make choices to use drugs or alcohol. If she's 21 and out of the house, I'd have to turn it over to my higher power completely and pray for serenity. At 15 I need the "courage to change the things I can".
Most importantly I wouldn't want to be complicit in her drug use by not enforcing some rules and boundaries and not getting her help.
Again this is just me, I don't claim to be an expert and I may very well behave differently when it actually occurs as opposed to how I feel now. Just my thoughts and I'm not saying I'm right.
All I can give is my ES&H and what I would do if I were in your shoes.
My daughter is 18 years old. She has drank, she smokes pot, she has tried cigarettes, she has snuck out, lied . . . the typical things most teens do. After dealing with my 2 years of heavy drinking she is not interested in alcohol anymore - I put here through hell. This is a huge relief to me as I find alcohol to be WAY worse that pot, it should be illegal instead. I am NOT saying pot is good, but comparatively speaking . . . I think pot is the lesser evil BY FAR.
The big thing for me was to realize what I could control and what I could not. I can not be with her every second of every day and she could get pot, cigarettes and pretty much anything else she wanted right on the school grounds. The more I tried to control and clamp down the harder I pushed her toward these behaviors.
Honesty turned out to work best for me. Just approaching her from a place of love and acceptance with a VERY firm boundary and understanding that she would suffer consequences for her actions. She knows that 100%. If she oversteps it, she WILL pay the price. I will not back down. I try not to do this with anger or expectations. "I love you and I am sorry this has happened. But it is what it is and now you have to face the consequences of your behavior" is something I have said more than once. Calm, disappointed . . . yes . . . but no judgement. Also being someone she could come to and say I drank or I smoked or I tried xxxxxxx. Same with the issues with boys. Not overreacting or getting angry. There was one time she told me something she had done and I calmly said "give me a minute" - went in my room and cried my eyes out - and then approached her calmly and discussed it. I use ES&H with my daughter all the time. "Well, I tried that and here is how it worked out."
She is going to do what she is going to do. I have structure, discipline and boundaries in place and that is all I can do. With the cigaretts I simply said "If there was one thing I could go back in my life and change it would be my smoking. It is killing me. I look older than I should. It is expensive and guys really don't like smokers anymore. I can't stop you. But I WILL not giveyou money so you can buy cigarettes and you might as well smoke in front of me and stop hiding it." That was it, she quit.
Now . . . on to the part of what I would do if I were you.
Besides what I have stated before . . . and you may already be doing this. I would do more with her. I would take an art class, photography, cooking - anything . . . volunteer together. Go for drives or find something fun - have a date night for just the two of you. Involve her in cooking meals. Put more family responsibility on her - not "you have to do this or else" but "We need you to be part of the team" and make it a positive, learning experience. Counseling and recovery is always a good choice if she is willing. But giving her two roads to choose from. One of drugs, drama, and all that goes with it - or family, fun, love and support. She is going to choose what she is going to choose and it really stinks, but it needs to be accepted. All you can do is be a good, loving parent. Love her unconditionaly, live by example, set firm boundaries, get her support if she will take it, and let the rest go. Put your oxygen mask on first so you can assist others . Take care of you, make sure you are ok, then take care of her.
I wrote this with some anxiety. First, it is advice . . . second it is parenting advice. Really touchy subject. You may be doing all of this already or I may be completely off my rocker . Please just take what you want and leave the rest. I am by no means a perfect parent nor my daughter a perfect child. But . . . I am happy. I got through some of these things with minimal stress and heartache. Doesn't mean she hasn't broken my heart when she lies or sneaks out - but I keep it to myself and just do the next right thing. Acting calm, loving, supportive . . . and even a little detached helps me feel all those thing inside a little more than I probably would otherwise. Fake it until you make it .
I understand where you are, my heart goes out to you, and I hope things go well for your daughter.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It would be very presumptuous of me to think that I could possibly add more to all the wonderful words of wisdom you have received from all the great people here. However, after reading this line:
"How much does my HP think I can handle?"
I was reminded of a quote attributed to Mother Teresa that often comes to my mind and seemed appropriate. She said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
I so often feel the same!
Hugs to you, Punky-
love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I think when my life dipped I always blamed HP and thought that this was somehow something to do with me. In fact in al anon we embrace wholeheartedly the premise, we can't control it, we can't cure it and we didn't cause it.
I have many family members who are alcoholic. I live around alcoholics. I work around them too. I can't say I think it is much to do with my HP anymore. Addiction is very prevalent in our society. I do know that I make efforts not to voluntarily bring any more people with it into my life. I also know that while deaing with an alcoholic brought me tremendous pain, anger, resentment, sorrow and chaos, without surrender I would not be here and be committed to working this program.
My life is very very very difficult. If I did not have this program I would be consumed with anger, resentment, obsession, feeling deprived and absolutely totally alone without anyone to listen to me.
Besides my own son, his friends, I worked with kids just like your daughter. What saved them was finding what their passion is and support it!
Has she been introduced to painting, skiiing, motor cycle riding, bike riding, skate boards, singing, acting, hiking?
Kids love to be together take a few of them hiking somewhere, have her and friends come over and make stir fry and cookies or cake or?
KEEP them so busy with what they love that, that HIGH is soooo much better than using.
Pot may not be physically addicting, I said may not, but is psychologically. No different than always having to have a glass of wine with dinner, or always having to have dessert.
Hey what did we do when they were four trying to drink coffee? We stopped them.
Check her room, account for where she is, at a friends, have you met friends parents? Do you check where she goes. WE are parents NOT friends. WE can be a bit of both.
They need us to be strong and say NO. They need us to be this way, as when they are hurting, they know darn well how much we love them and how strong we are.
They need routing big time. Come home after school. See friends, know where and what, check, home, do homework,eat with family.
Week ends, chores then go goof around. STructure. They need to read. encourage it I did not care what my kids read. Son read Mad magazine. Now both my kids always have a book or two going. they are in their thirties now.
Hey I had a tough son. He ended up in Survivor backpacking; Changed his life. big time. We also went to a group of parents and kids alcohol and drug counseling thing. was great.
son had motorcyles, snow boarded etc. Daughter had her interests.
I was a single widow, not much money but I made sure they had fun and were structured.
We went on day hikes, to the beach, mountains,fish hatcheries. son went out on a neat fishing boat. He now suba dives and kayaks in the ocean, is an avid fisherman.
My daughter sews with out patterns!, makes jewelry nice stuff got her five year degree in art.
I saw my friends kids raised the same way.they all had some tough bolony too, but we nipped it.
You can too. Kids need us to be tough and KNOW what they need. If she were mine, I would help her to figure out what she really loves. Is it animals? volunteer at a shelter, Is it kids? have her take a class on babysitting, is she athlete like, encorage that.
Just like a toddler she is exploring, we need to help them explore good stuff. If she wants pink hair, who cares but make it appropriate, tatoos,up to you, if they are goth, help them with that.
I worked with kids all my life. What does not kill them or harm them, what they are trying to figure out is who and what they are.
I know I would have some tats and piercings if I was a teen now. I would still be feminine but would be wearing pink skirts with keds. In my day, my mother said if you have to wear overalls and jeans, at least wear a pretty top. lol so Idid.
trouble was as a hippie...I sorta wore just the overalls sometimes...lol
sigh. She has a chance. give her some healthy things to explore. She is no dummy, she knows about drugs, we scream it in ads, tv, radio, computer all day long.
Hugs oh and do not stop hugging her. She may squirm and do the oh mom....hug he tighter and more often, always say I love you,kiss her infront of her friends.
Just becuz she woke up this handful of prickles, you are still her mom YOU don't change.
debilyn who honestly LOVES teens, givem all to me....
All I can do is share ESH..... One year ago I found out my then 16 yr old daughter had been sneaking out of the house at night. In the course of 24 hours we went from that fact to booze and pills and sex and I called the cops. They could not take her but they DID follow us to the nearest psych hospital where she was admitted for substance abuse and depression. If you set a curfew and the child does not come home you can report them to the police and after X number of reports they can pick the child up. Maybe I am a hard @$$ but I did not care that she was angry with me and stayed that way for MONTHS.... she is ALIVE and I just helped her celebrate ONE YEAR clean and sober by paying for her tattoo to mark the occasion. She will be 18 in 2 months. My goal was to keep her alive until I was no longer legally responsible for her choices in life. Because of AlAnon I knew/know I could not control her choice to USE... but I can control whether or not THE FAMILY will suffer the consequences of HER choices or SHE will. Tough Love is the hardest love to give and recieve but it is the ONLY love that gets lasting results in my not so humble opinion. She does not live here, has not since that day one year ago. She went from the hospital to a treatment center where she was for 11 months and when she graduated from there she went to a womens recovery home. Her choices and her sponsors advice. It is working for us. hugs to you....
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
She lied again and came home late. I am responsible for her as she is underage. 
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