The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Our family has lived with over ten years dealing with my AS now 30 years old, you all are familiar with what is involved with this, DUI's, lost jobs, trying to keep a roof over his head so that he won't be on the streets, thinking that he would come to his senses at some point.
Well, about 5 weeks ago a crisis came and everything really went crashing down, police was called, he was taken to jail for disorderly conduct. We will not let him back into the house (he is now living with "friends") because he sees no responsibility or accountability for his situation.
Phone call after phone call his coming from him wanting help, mostly he wants a car from us so that he says he can go to work (we live in a small town with no public transportation), now there is the problem, I am leaning toward giving him a used vehicle to go to work if there is a chance that he understands the position he is in and that he will work. My husband strongly disagrees and doesn't want to provide a work vehicle. I am not upset with my husband because we have given him vehicles before with no results of him keeping a job.
I am so stressed that I can't eat or rest, I think he will be homeless so if something doesn't change. My AS also wants me to go to court with him a try to get him out of his resisting arrest charge, I told him I would not.
I need a Solomon, I can't even think straight anymore, let alone make decisions of what I should or shouldn't do.
I am so stressed that I can't eat or rest, I think he will be homeless so if something doesn't change. My AS also wants me to go to court with him a try to get him out of his resisting arrest charge, I told him I would not.
I need a Solomon, I can't even think straight anymore, let alone make decisions of what I should or shouldn't do.
Thanks for listening.
HI DreamsOver I cannot claim to be a Solomon but I can say I am a member of alanon and can certainly hear how stressed and upset you have become. I am so sorry that this disease is again causing such chaos in your life.
The alanon program and my own survival skills say that the first thing you must do is to Take Care of Yourself. Get into the chat room, or find a face to face meeting in your community. Read the Courage to Change on Letting Go and take deep, deep breaths!!!
Dream you are feeling the anxiety and stress that he should be feeling as a result of his behavior. He has managed to transfer all the stress to you and your husband and demand you fix a problem he has created. My son did likewise. I would fix his problems because I could not stand the pain I FELT. THe Courage to Change cautions us to not cause a crisis but to not interfee with a crisi if it is happening.
I believe you know what has to be done It is just so hard to do. PLease pray about it and your answer will come.
Might not your husband be the Solomon for the moment? If what you're doing is causing you stress try doing what he wants to do and then let go and let God. Really let go of it. When your son calls and you pick up the phone tell him it isn't your problem and more then lovingly hang up. There is an off button on the phone. This is about your health and sanity and the second step reads, "Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could lead us to - Sanity.
Dream if you keep doing it the same way you'll keep getting the same result. Ouch!! (((((hugs)))))
You can't have Solomon but you do have Al-Anon. It's a program for people who are effected by someone else's drinking. I feel your pain and I know you want the best for your son. You only have control over you, and even though we would do anything to make the A's in our life change......we have no control over their action or decisions.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result. I have been there and stayed there longer than I would like to admit. Until we stop doing for the A's in our life what they should be doing for themselves ...nothing will ever change. They have to suffer the consequences of their own choices. As much as you love your son you can't stop him from drinking with love are money.....you can't save him.....he can only save himself...with the help of his HP. I know you love him, but you can actually love him to death. The greatest love you can show to your AS is to love him him enough to let him start help himself. No alcoholic has ever been saved by his mom....or Dad....only by his HP....give him that opportunity....
Turn your son over to his HP 100%, and don't take him back, get out of HP's way...let the two of them work it out. He has no reason to seek help if he is continually caught and given a soft landing. The disease makes us crazy and makes us do and say things no sane person would do or say. Nothing I ever did or tried worked until (with the program) I finally got out of HP's way and put my A in HP's hands. What better hands could your son be in that HP's?
Put the focus on yourself and not on your AS. Start taking care of yourself first, take the stress out of your life....the best way to do that is by attending face 2 face Al-Anon meetings. You can find the help there that you need to make your live better. Nothing you have tried has worked, nothing I ever tried worked. Give HP a chance, he doesn't make mistakes.
In the program we say take what you like and leave the rest. We only offer our experience, strength, and hope.....what has worked for us. The program is proven and tested, it works if you work it.
Keep coming back and posting, and please try to find local Al-Anon meetings in your area. There will be members in those rooms who will be willing to give back to to what the program has given them. Do it for yourself ....you deserve it.
Your not alone anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 22nd of July 2010 08:17:40 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 22nd of July 2010 08:23:20 PM
I make it never a point to disagree with Jerry or RLC. They are both of sound mind & body. I know you want to help him keep his job. However, you set boundaries for a reason. For your sanity & what is in the best interest of your family. You didn't do it for him.
My feeling is that if he is old enough to get a job then he is old enough to figure out how to get back & forth. I'm not saying give him a car or don't get a car. I'm saying turn him over to his HP & let go. This is detaching with love. Allow him the dignity of making his choices and living with the consequences of those choices, good or bad.
I know this is hard. When it gets to the point where your health (emotional & physical) is being affected maybe it's time to step away from it. Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about living your life,not his.
When I get stuck like this I ask myself if I want to go back to the chaos? If I do, then all I have to do is go back to doing what I was doing before I came here. If I don't, then I need to continue my work here. The choice is yours too. Please keep coming back. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Friday 23rd of July 2010 12:52:06 PM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I might consider this if I was in your shoes...."son, get into a rehab, get therapy, change yourself and stop the substance abuse...then come ask for help and favors"
I so understand how you are feeling and am sorry Thru working the steps of alanon and all the support, guidance and experince I have found here I have learned that until I stop cushioning my sons falls he will never get to the point of reaching out for help. We always thought if we do just one more thing he will miraclulously see that he needs help and get it. He has yet to do that. I know now until he feels the full respondsibily of his actions nothing will ever possibly change. My son currently sits in jail. Could we have posted his bail etc of course we could have. But definitly drew the line there. He got himself into that position and has to face the consequences. In fact he was even ordered to the rehab unit. Will it work? No idea but I do know for today he is safe sober and getting treatment. We have told him upon his release he will not be coming home this time ( he's 21). We will place him in a sober living home if he chooses if he doesn't choose that then he will literally be on the streets. I can tell you we did not come to these decisions overnight. Luckily alanon does advise not making major decisions for at least 6 months of your own recovery under your belt. I needed a year in order to get myself strong enough to make decisions that although heartbreaking are what is best for my husband and I. So take your time Be gentle with yourself Blessings
