When will I feel better??? - Al-Anon Family Group

mjhyankees · Senior Member

When will I feel better???

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome first thing that caught my eye was ( former ) Al-Anon member , please go back u need support they will be so pleased to see you again.. I was not prepared to leave my marriage either so I get that - A one liner that i found helped me a lot BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED cant leave , wont leave -get happy regardless.
No one said this is going to be easy , changing everything starting with our attitude is damn hard work but very rewarding and we do it for us not them . living in a negative enviroment is not easy ,It never entered my mind that I could be the emotional baromater in my home , I dont have to be miserable just because someone else is ..
Please find meetings for yourself , your worth it . Louise

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I really relate to ur post, welcome. Growing up ACoA programs us to watch others, anticipate their needs and tip toe around them. I didnt "get" alanon the first, time, I went out and wasted 24 years, surviving (not living) and getting further along in family disease.

I had to learn to focus on me, then to love me (first), set boundaries, change my behavior, then my attitude and perceptions began to change too. ACoA's ahve a lot to let go of, like conttrolling others. It took a long time before I began to get REAL detachment from others and attempting to control them.

I too lived in my head, I projected into the futue and it gave me constant anxiety - I worred about everything and for what? What a waste of time and my life. Accept that you can only control and change YOU and begin working on what will allow u to feel better, one day at a time.

Chaning yourself is empowering and it will enale you to get your life back. When i set and followed through on boundaires for myself - I did begin to gain self respect and self esteem as well as emotional detachment from my family's enmeshment (its all manipualtive behavior/dynamic).

It takes time and work, if u really want things to change and to feel better, focus on what is healthy for YOU and get willing. Honest, lopen minded and willing is the way.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"I feel I'll never be loved".... Well that one is taken care of MJH...you cannot be
here and not be loved by tons of people who can wear your shoes and just have
learned to love unconditionally anyway. Welcome home. Yep recovery is all
and inside job. As Abbyal suggested...."lets get back to work" on your program.
You got miracles coming. (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and Welcome.

I dont think there is a person here on this board who cant relate to your life.

I know we talk about boundaries, most of my boundaries had to to with the Alcoholic, maybe some with my Mother also.

But realize this, there are no boundaries as far as living your life. For most of my marriage I took to my bedroom, that was my release and fantasy, I needed it to survive, because like you it wasnt time to leave the marriage. There is an interesting movie out right now "Inception" its about that very subject, what if your life filled with pain and suffering was the dream and all the good stuff the reality. What if it were reversed. Whatever gets you thru the worst times is what I say. We dont always have to be facing and in the middle of those harsh times. It is a kind of detachment.

You do seem to know what the difference is and thats why your reaching out. You dont have to leave your home to emotionally leave the marriage.

You have to build a life for yourself and find out whats do-able for you. It sounds to me like you may have lost your spirituality path , its easy to do when faced with such negative influences that the A brings to our life. Please come back to Alanon and seek out your Higher Power. It will make your life feel so much lighter.

Wishing you strength and courage!!! Luv, Bettina

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Thanks...getting to meeting is problematic at this point. I work 3 nights a week, go to therapy another night and really dont' want to go another night out of the house. I worry about leaving my daughter with my wife so this is all I can manage. I suppose where there is a will there's a way. Does this mean I have to go to meetings the rest of my life? Sheesh...it's like I always wondered about what good is chiropractor if you always have to keep going back?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

well If you want a better life than your having right now the answer to your question would be a yes , we have a choice stay home and be miserable blamming others or go where u can learn to be happy regardless of what is going on around you . miserable or happy ???? hmm
Oh and we are part of the problem ..

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Just my two cents to borrow a phrase from another member of MIP. The answers to your questions and problems can be found in the rooms and literature of Al-Anon. I have been a member of MIP for almost three years....and the success stories I have observed have more often than not come from those who got involved in f2f meetings and practiced the program in their everyday life. I made the program a priority in my life and I have never regretted it. It saved my sanity. F2f meetings were a small price to pay for those results.

I hope you make the same choice, I don't think you will regret it either.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 22nd of July 2010 08:47:39 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first came to alanon, years ago, I did not get the program, but was determined to feel better. Feeling better meant finding answers that would resolve issues with my marriage. The people at alanon promised I would find answers by working the steps. I envisioned an intense, self-imposed alanon 'boot camp' program of running through the 12 steps that would bring me what I so longed for- a solid marriage without the crazy-making where we would be happy.

Well, I tried each step, applying the recommendation of "take what you like and leave the rest". Good, I thought, because much of this does not apply to me. I did not like the idea that others suggested that I was not thinking in a healthy pattern. I had trouble accepting the thought that alanon is supposed to be a life-long program.

I left alanon, but years later, after exhausting all potential possibilities, I am back. This is the only place left for me to get the help that I need. This time it is different. (I am a late bloomer.)

I come here and listen to the stories and know that I am not alone. I feel so isolated and having people who understand creates a universal camaraderie and support network. The more I use the network, the more things have improved.

Please keep coming back, even if you're not sold on the program. Miracles do happen by working the alanon principles. Things did not work out for me the way I wished- I now realize that I cannot force things; however, my life is better and I am now grateful that I will have alanon as a life long program.

-- Edited by bud on Thursday 22nd of July 2010 10:58:45 PM

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life, you can find happiness if you work for it. Sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears. When I first came here, I was at a low point in my life. I wasn't just unhappy, I was hope less. With lots of work, alanon, this board, good friends, reading self help books to help me understand WHY I was so desperately unhappy, I am now enjoying some happiness in my life again. I have had to push myself out of my comfort zone and put myself "out there." It has all been worth it. I am also 50 years old, and married unhappily for quite a few of them. But, I am learning that we are ALL loved and for some reason, some of us here feel that we are unloveable. I believe that most of that (for me) is my own psychological assessment of myself. I am learning to love myself and to be happy, just being me. I also do or say something nice to/for somebody every day and the returns of that have been unbelievable. It is funny how doing one act of kindness can change your day. Also, work the steps, try to find a sponsor. So... get to work.... there is a beautiful world out there and we have lots to catch up on... wink

When the world said "give up", HOPE whispered "try one more time."

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"Does this mean I have to go to meetings the rest of my life? Sheesh...it's like I always wondered about what good is chiropractor if you always have to keep going back?"-mjhyankees

lol, well I can relate to this concern as well but at this point, you arent even feeeling the benefits of the program bc once you do, you feel so much better and you get coping skills that improve you all the way around ~ u want to keep coming back to where the help is.

I do visit a chiropractor once a month for maintenance. Think of program like food for your soul, we all have to eat daily and wash - u dont do it once and ur all good and done with bathing and eating for life. It is maintenance. Its like prayer and breathing.

I would like to encourage you to come into out chat room - we have two daily mtgs in there every single day, so u dont have to go anywhere to get a meeting. Online isnt exactly the same as a face to face fellowship but if u arent doing anything else, it is something. (I have my own reasons for working my program online wholly and I do and I have achieved peace, serenity, emotional freedom and true happiness. It is all within you and you can do it, here you are not alone.

DreamXL · Senior Member

Hi and thank you for your post. I remember when I first got here and listened to people who were talking about being in the program for 6 -10-20 years I thought omg, you have to be kidding me. I was going to work the 12 steps in 12 weeks and I'd be fine :) gee what a surprise that was for me. Really was the last thing I wanted to hear and scared me to death. I had never even heard the term acoa. Well, what a wake up call of all calls for me. I come here today because I want too not because I need to (although I do need to :) I find so much esh in these boards and rooms that for the first time in my life I had found out what my problem was. I knew what everyone elses was, but the thought that I had one myself really didnt occur to me...lol My perceptions on life have changed so much that truly this program works and I have found many answers that explain how I got to think the way I did. Please keep coming back and sharing, were glad your here and miracles happen..for us :)

ythannah · Senior Member

mjhyankees wrote:

Does this mean I have to go to meetings the rest of my life? Sheesh...it's like I always wondered about what good is chiropractor if you always have to keep going back?

Lol, I say the same thing about chiropractors! biggrin

I figure I'll go to meetings for the rest of my life, but not because it's a chore (like flossing my teeth!) -- because I enjoy the benefits.

When I started attending AlAnon meetings in January this year, I was feeling pretty hopeless about the way my life -- in particular my relationships -- had been going. I didn't think I was ever going to "get it right", I was too messed up from growing up with A parents.

I started feeling more positive right after my first meeting. All those other people in the room had been in the same boat as me, but they had found happiness and peace. Guess maybe there was hope for me after all, huh?

Not that I go in there and take everything wholesale. There's some stuff that doesn't "fit" me too well (or, at least, I'm not ready to admit it yet!) so I leave it aside. But there is also a wealth of experience, strength and hope that rings so true for me, I grab onto that stuff and take it with me.

In such a short time, I've acquired a wealth of tools that I use every day, in a million different ways and I'm making progress. Now why would I ever want to stop doing that? wink

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.