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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My exah/bf is getting a full time back breaking job. A job finally. Maybe now he will send me child support. Problem is, he won't shut up about money! I hate talking about money. Talking about money does not solve my money issues. It just brings me down. I realize if have more going out than coming in and I don't want to be reminded of that fact on a daily basis by the man who is supposed to be helping increase my money coming in!!!
So what is he harping on now? He actually wants me to write a letter to the courts to request that the amount of money he should have to pay me is decreased! He claims that in doing this, it will get the law off of his back, he will be able to catch up on back support and will pay me additional money when he has it. Reality: I tried not going to through the courts for child support when we 1st divorced. It worked out fine for a while - like 3 months!!! Then, he was sending me less & less until I wasn't getting any at all! So I filed with the courts, he got pissed, got over it, got used to it coming out of his paycheck, we got back together and wham! A year later he quits his job for school, money stops! He won't shut up about the letter either. In my mind I figured I'd play the letter out about the same way he has played his payments out. I am going to say I am going to send it in and just not do it! I can't say for sure we will stay together forever......heck, I am not sure we will be together next month. I am not fool enough to legally reduce his child support on the false promises he will pay me more on his own! Been there, done that. Besides, if he really is getting this full time job and plans on paying me the support, he will get caught up & the law will stop threatening him with license suspensions & jail time.
I laid in bed last night thinking about this whole money thing. Thought of all the things I could say to him about it. For example, if he really did love me and the kids the way he claims, he would do whatever he had to in order to help me pay the bills. I would ask him if he has any clue or remember what it is like to be totally responsible for another person's well being like I am for the kids. Does he even really have any clue as to how much money it takes every month to make sure the kids have everything they need? Not want but need? Why is it that he gets to be the fun parent that buys them their wants while I am the one that buys their needs & can't afford to buy their wants. If he gets any extra money, he buys them dinner or games or rents them movies. Meanwhile, I am struggling to keep the power on and health insurance paid & the mortgage caught up! I was thinking last night that I had quite a bit of resentment building up due to money. He notices I get pissy when he brings up money and asked me last week if it was a turn off. I told him I didn't like discussing money b/c nothing ever changes about it. I don't have enough and that is all there is to be said about it. He said he hoped that money wasn't going to drive us apart...but you know what? It very well might! If nothing changes and my resentment continues to grow, I will have a harder time ignoring it and it will eventually be an unpassable roadblock!
Part of the reason I am having money issues is b/c when he was actively using crack & alcohol during the last few years of our marriage and I was just trying to keep the wolves at bay, I put A LOT of stuff on my credit cards. Groceries, car payments, auto insurance. I paid a lot of it down but then when we were divorced and he stopped paying support, my pay-off had to slow down, eventually I was back to charging stuff just to survive every month. Then the money started coming back, I leveled off & was working towards paying off, just for that to all hault again last fall when he quit his job.
What is up with the unreliable, wishy-washy addict? He talks a good game. Even plays the game for a while. But I can never depend on that game lasting long. He always ends up giving up, quitting, changing direction. Arrgg!!! Yes I am frustrated! Very Frustrated.
I think the answer to your question is as simple as the first thing we are taught when we enter the rooms of Al-Anon.....Always take care of yourself first. If you don't how can you take care of your children? How did you say it worked out last time he wanted to pay you child support his way? Not good.
Child support is exactly what it implies.....child support.....your children are depending on you....your decisions effect them directly.....they are your priority as well they should be. Always do the next right thing.....for your kids.....keeping it simple ....with no second thoughts.
Hugs, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 21st of July 2010 06:31:36 PM
I understand your resentments. I had similar ones, without children. Even now when recieving a letter from my xah and it mentions my moostiff I grit my teeth, I can not imagine my dental bills if it was a child.
We are here to learn how to take care of ourselves first. With each decision we have to make I believe it needs to sit well inside of us and be in our best interest. Without a track record of consistency I would not remove any safety nets I had in place with my xah especially financial. Seems to me that the problems arising from nonpayment of child support is a natural consequence to not planning adequately when budgeting for school.
Not much help right now but having grown up with a single parent for most of my life I can say I don't remember any toys, a few books from used book stores. And as an adult I really understand how hard my mom worked and struggled just to provide for my needs. The lessons of how to make ends meet or survive when they don't are worth far more than any wants I may have had.
I can sense your frustration & resentment. It is understandable.
How about putting yourself in another person's shoes and reread your post. Or pretend that this is happening to a good friend of yours. What would you advise?
As difficult as it is, it is best to make decisions based on what is good for you. And what is good for you, is usually good for your children.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thanks to all of you for your responses. I guess I am just looking for confirmation that I am not the bad guy I feel like I am being about money. For me, EVERYTHING revolves around money. EVERYTHING!!! He makes stupid comments like, "It's only money." and "Money is just a thing, no biggie." When he makes those comments, I want to smack the living daylights out of him. Sure for him, "money is just money" but for me it means having a roof over the kids head and food on the table. I don't have the luxury of living w/grandma & having her take care of all of my necessities like he does. In fact, I don't have a grandma I could fall back on that would take me in if I were in a pinch. My parents would take me & the kids but that would not be easy. I saw my sister go through that and that is the very last resort......like it's the streets or my parents little, tiny, cluttered, old house.
Also, I just remember something that I offered to do for him that he never took me up on. I have offered many times over the last year to give him money back that he needs after he sends it in to child support! I forgot about that. I figured that he could make his payment to get them off of his back and as soon as I receive it, I would give it back to him to pay whatever he needed to pay. Two out of Three birds killed with one stone. He would get child support off of his back and not even lose the money to do it. I wouldn't gain anything but some peace & quiet about the law getting after him. I feel that was a pretty decent thing for me to offer but he never took me up on it....so I guess not. Hmm.
I don't know that in dealing with an alcoholic we can actually say they're bad and we're good. As someone who had tremendous issues with the ex A over money I eventually had to look at my own over reactions to his absolute chaos and lies and manipulations. I also had to look at that I let some conversations and obsessions go on for too long. I set limits, I did not continue conversations that were not going anywhere and I put my sanity first. They would be all the kinds of manipulations you talk about, trying to pry things out of him sometimes they did work (I could justify all of them) but at the end of the day I found myself absolutely obsessed with his actions, his chaos, his lies, his manipulations and not with taking care of me. What's needed when dealing with an alcoholic is actually al anon tools, detachment, not saying things we don't mean (because that is manipulation) and really being willing to get down to learn the al anon tools. I also found great solace and the opportunity to learn resourcefulness in reading Getting them Sober. My expectations absolutely shifted then. There was a huge correlation with me between expectations and chronic unremitting toxic resentment.
I can certainly empathize with the issue of being dragged in the ditch by an alcoholic. Nothing but nothing changed for me until I started really working a program (a sponsor certainly helps). I had to really learn and enforce boundaries (not blame the ex A for bulldozing mine) and focus in on me. None of those things are easy. For me, having been left in a huge hole, emotionally financially, spiritually and otherwise by living with an A for 7 years plus I really didn't have a choice but to surrender. I had to stop doing things the old way and try something else.
If you do choose to work a program the skills will help you tremendously in your life, with or without the a to torment you. In fact if you learn detachment, boundaries and taking care of yourself the opportunity to torment you won't be there.
