The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
July 22 is never a good day for me. On that day 9 years ago I lost my father. What a hero he was to me. On that day 2 years ago I lost my beloved Tim. The two men I loved most in the world, lost on the same day 9 years apart. They are both in a better place, but God do I miss them terribly.
I have been having nightmares about Tim & his drinking. He was a quiet alcoholic. Ironically he didn't die because of this disease. It was a undetected genetic heart defect. Anyways the nightmares have been back for a few days. Just my brain's way of working things out I guess.
I am use to dealing with death (sad to admit). I know the drill. Good days and bad days. You go with it. This is life on life's terms. Strangely enough I've been having feelings of guilt this time.
The "if only" games have begun in my head. If only I had kicked him out again, would he have stopped drinking for good? If only I had worked my program better would he still be alive? If only this and if only that. In my heart I know the answers. But right now my head is playing games with me. He had a horrible disease. He tried & tried. It wasn't up to me. It was up to him & his HP. All I could do was work my program & remind him everyday how much I loved him regardless if he drank or not. Thanks Abbyal for drilling that into my head (hard as it was).
Through the grace of this program, the loving support of my family & friends here I know I'll be okay. I look over at my Pipers Kitty and remind myself how lucky I am to still have her. Some of you don't know that two weeks after Tim passed I nearly lost her. Thanks to the great vets and all the prayers you offered for her she is still here. Catching the chipmunks, driving me crazy and loving me just for me. I remind myself that it was Tim's idea to get a cat. I wasn't sure that I had the time nor the extra love to give an animal. Well he was right, as usual. I did have the time & love to give.
Thanks to all of you I know I'll come out the other side. You've taught me to let the feelings come, and this to shall pass. I think I just need to get busy today rather than dwell on the negative. I am in a better place because of all you. As I type this I am feeling better just getting it all out. It's why I keep coming back.
In case you don't know I love you all very much. I could not have gone through all of this without you. If you are so inclined, wrap your arms around your A and tell them you love them because I can't. I would give anything in the world to be able to do that. Much love and blessings to all of you & your families. Kiss all the critters for me too.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Wednesday 21st of July 2010 10:41:01 AM
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sorry to hear you are feeling down today and I hope that some summer sunshine will help lift your spirits.
In the time I have been here over the last couple of years you have shown such love, compassion, and understanding for all of us - I am sure you did the same inside your home and have nothing to feel guilty about. You inspire me.
Know that I love you and send a really big hug your direction. Days such as today help us see the things we need to be grateful for in a clearer light.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Karilynn. Give Pipers a big hug for me! I think Pipers and my Bailey Boy would get along famously.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Sending you a...BIG HUG...with lots of LOVE wrapped around it. I'll be thinking about you Sweet Lady. Keep taking care of yourself.....and Pipers of course.
Hugs, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 21st of July 2010 11:58:42 AM
I agree, the compassion, understanding and love that you share on this site is so powerful that I believe both of these beautiful gentlemen were very fortunate to have you at their side.
Aloha Sis...and I agree with the truth about your love and compassion. On the 22nd of July this year I will be here especially for you to give back what you have so freely given me. I will be here to listen and to (((hug))) and to speak if it is necessary. Old guilt is still guilt and the 3Cs are still the 3Cs. You had no power over his genetic disease either. Make a note to celebrate the good and powerful stuff...We will, It will, They will never be perfect and some get closer than others. I think you're closer than others. Mahalo for your support and here in return. ((((hugs))))
Can't believe it has been 2 years since Tim passed. My heart is with you today. My Ken is in the hospital as we speak going through a rough time himself. Tim was lucky to have you in his life as are all of us.
My thoughts and prayers are with you on the 22nd. I think an over developed sense of responsibility that surfaces as guilt is something that many many widows face - not just the codependent widows. Widows in general. I hear it, sometimes many years out, from those who have lost their loved one to heart attacks, cancer or car accidents. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. This too shall pass,
I have had dreams lately. Not always good. About my AHsober. Life in general. It seems odd and sometimes upsetting to me. I wake up and ask my HP what the dreams are all about. It helps.
I can't catch my cat Spot in the summer. She is too busy chasing bugs and things.
I have always enjoyed your posts knowing the loving words I will read about your Tim. It has always made me feel peace and hope that there are relationships that can work beautifully. I will be thinking of you and adding my prayers to your own. May the good memories overcome the grief bringing you some peace. Much love from the gang of fur shedders and I to you and Pipers.
Thanks for sharing. I am sure your Tim is somewhere with God where he no longer suffers from any pain and misery. I lost my father six years ago, and then, I was about to marry my man then I found out he is an active A. I could not get over the fear that he will die from this dreadful disease any time. I love my ex A more than anything in the world, but I choose to leave him as I could no longer tolerate how he treats himself and me. I continue to love my ex A, but I will keep this love in secret as I want to see actions he makes to change him within himself. I try to let it go, let my hp guide me during this journey, whatever happens in the future, I have no control about it, I try to live in the moment...
As someone who lived with an active alcoholic/addict who simultaneously obsessed about his health (he had two major conditions) and at the same time continued to use drugs and alcohol, I can empathize.
I could be caught in feeling responsible for him in a second. I do understand how that is the norm. I am glad you had such a wonderful marriage and that alcoholism did not consume and destroy you. You are a great reminder for all of us how to work this program and not be subsumed with anger, fear and obsession. I am so very glad you are a big part of this board.
My precious friend - please know that you have been in my thoughts & prayers thru out the day ~ I can't even imagine all the emotions you must be feeling ~ I wish I had wonderful words to give you comfort, a special HUG to wrap around you, a look in my eyes that would give you peace ~ but really I don't . . .
All I can do is pray that your HP give you all the things I can't ~ peace, comfort, love and a special warmth so that you know you and Piper's Kitty are not alone!!!
Love & PINK HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sorry Karilynn for not replying to your post earlier, I meant to reply just tlcate because of the similarities in the cats, I know it must be tough on you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
They are both in a better place, but God do I miss them terribly. 
