The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I'm looking for some help and advice. My wife is an alcoholic and I knew nothing of this disease growing up. No one in my family suffered from it. So as I've been with her, I've come to learn all about the lying, the suspicion, the pain, the embaressment, etc. I didn't know what to do except try to be a problem solver. I got her to see a therapist who put her on anti-depressants. I got her to go to AA and then an outpatient group that meets three times a week. But she still drank. So 3 days ago I took her to a 28 day rehab facility. I then started going to Al-anon. While I've only been to 2 meetings, I've already learned I was doing all the things I shouldn't-pouring out her drinks, telling her what she needed to do, etc.
My question now as I deal with this is, what is my role when she returns? It seems to me like al-anon is for people that are dealing with drinkers. But if she's still drinking when she gets back, I'm just going to divorce her. Is the point of al-anon to learn how I can live with an alcoholic? We don't have kids, I'm not her father. I can leave her and then I don't have the pain or trust issues. I guess I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do. Not get involved if she drinks anymore? Just start trusting her?
I probably sound ridiculous in some respects but I'm new to this and the meetings I've been to have just confused me more. Thanks for any words of advice.
Welcome to MIP, and I hope you will find lots of care & understanding here.... Not sure that anyone can tell you what you "should" do, with respect to your relationship....
Al-Anon primarily helps teach us how to take care of ourselves - regardless of whether we stay with our A's or not.... The reality is that her drinking HAS affected you, and Al-Anon can help.... It also helps us recognize that we really can't "choose" recovery for our A's - they ultimately have to choose that for themselves... In the case of my ex-AW, I pleaded/begged/coerced her into stopping drinking, going to AA, got her into her first rehab center, etc., etc, and she went back drinking each and everytime afterwards...... it wasn't until SHE chose to go to rehab, on her own volition, that she got sober (and has now been sober for over 7 years).
The three C's remind us that we did not Cause it, we can't Cure it, nor can we Control it.... the reality is that the three C's are equally applicable to their drunkeness AND/OR their sobriety.
Keep coming back - there is lots of good stuff here. I'd encourage you to pick up a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There is a book offered at the top of the page here, Betting them Sober. I think that book will give you a lot of answers.
Personally I take it one day at a time as much as I can. Living around an alcoholic there is no certainity at all.
I'm glad you have sought recovery. I wouldn't say that you were doing all the things your shouldn't. After all you didn't know any better. Be kind to yourself.
The advice I continually give newcomers is to keep getting to face-to-face meetings. Attend at least six in as short a time-period as possible to decide whether the program is for you or not. If it feels right, get a sponsor and start working the steps... your answers will come.
We really do not give advice here that is specific to "yes, leave your wife." or "No! Stay with your wife."
One thing I've been told before by my sponsor and I hear it here continually is to wait six months before making any major life-changing decisions... such as a divorce.
Al-Anon is a program for the family and friends of problem drinkers. It's not a program that's designed to get you to either stay with or leave the alcoholic(s) in your life. It's a program for you and about you and teaches you more about yourself and aids in how you relate with everyone around you (whether they're alcoholic or not.)
When I grew up, I thought there really wasn't a problem of alcoholism in my home. I knew my mom had a history of drinking problems, but she'd stopped when I was very little. I didn't grow up with active drinking going on around me and all the drama it creates. The thing is, my mom is an alcoholic whether she's drinking or not. She came from a family of alcoholics - her father was a downright mean and nasty drinker. My father's brother (my uncle) is an alcoholic, while my father is not. My father's grandfather was a cruel alcoholic.
Living with this disease, even though in my immediate family there's no active drinking, the behaviors still got passed down to me. I feel for me it is a strong reason why, when I look at my past relationships, I realize I've always been attracted to and in relationships with alcoholics or addicts.
My hope for me in this program is that I start to learn healthier behaviors for myself so that I may at some point, God willing, only be attracted to healthy, centered people who do not have a problem with addiction in one form or another.
You've gotten some good responses to your post. I agree with what others have shared with you.
Reading the book "Getting Them Sober" was very helpful to me. It's a fairly short book full of good information.
I, too, did all the things I shouldn't have for a great number of years. At the time it seemed logical. However, I have finally realized that only he (my exAH) can save himself. It still is a difficult realization for me. I still have the urge to call him and encourage him to go to AA and/or back to rehab for 30 days. I want to break down that damn wall of denial he has going on between his ears. But I can't. It's painful to know that he continues down the hellish road his is on. But I'm powerless.
The most sensible thing for any of us who are affected by another's drinking is to take care of ourselves. And as mentioned in the other posts, one can learn how to do that in meetings.
You'll find a lot of wisdom and experience here. I hope you return to this board.
Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 20th of July 2010 02:32:28 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
hello and welcome , if only the affects of someone elses drinking went away when they put down the bottle - as you have already said u have only been to two meetings and have learned alot , drinking or not she is an alcoholic for life and we simply don't think alike and for me today thats okay .. we have 20 yrs sobriety in our home and i still attend Al-Anon 3 times a week , its about me for me really has nothing to do with him and hasnt for along time . Our thinking has become distorted living with this disease and we carry that thinking into all of our relationships .. this is a program for living my life not to change anyone elses . We print a great book called Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage if your group dosent have one at the meeting they can order u one , it is amazing talks about the drinking , sobriety and has alot on communication seems we dont know how to do that . this prog works drinking or not .please dont stop now keep going and get to know the real you , we had a part in this mess like it or not ..alcoholism has so many nasty side affects and they dont go away when the drinking stops , every one has to change not just the alcoholic .. good luck
Aloha McPhunny...Wow can you open the memory book for me and then those are old memories to me because of the Al-Anon Family Groups. When I came in there weren't a whole lot of men available so I was left to my own devices which like yours were not working. Men most often tend to be analytical and up against a disease that is called "Cunning, powerful and Baffling" we learn that all the analyzing in the world only supports "OUR" problem into getting worse.
I was born and raised into the disease of alcoholism and had to learn that inside of the program. Alcoholism was not a common term in my family of orgin and when it rarely came up it was more a sin that a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual disease. Want to learn more? spend some time on the AMA site reading their take on it; or the NIH or anyone of the thousands of knowledgable sites on the disease of alcoholism. I even went to college and took courses and went on to be a alcohol and substance abuse therapist and still acknowledging that I was learning as much as I needed from the rooms of Al-Anon. I even learned about my own addiction inside of the program. You and your wife are suffering at the will of a mind and mood altering chemical. My suggestion for help is the same as others have mentioned here...Get to the face to face meetings of Al-Anon; 90 meetings in 90 days is what my experience is and I did more because it was helping so much; No major decisions for the first 2 years of my recovery...that worked for me because in shorter period of time I would duplicate inappropriate enabling behaviors with others and while my alcoholic and I were separated. I learned that although it was alcoholism that got me to the doors of the program what really glowed brightly was that as a result of my best efforts to save and help her; the problem always got worse. I didn't intend that and still it happened.
Analyize all I want and still this program is a program of change as a result of changing what I do. If you don't change what you are doing which isn't working you will continue to do it. My experience.
"I guess I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do."
Your statement was my statement when I started the program. I learned how to reach out like you have now and ask openly "please help me" (emphasis on the please) and then I sat down and listened; learned and practiced what the fellowship did. I stil do. We have thousands of choices come learn them.
Just want to add my welcome to others here and say that for me, alanon is not about getting the tools to put up with an alcoholics continued drinking, but rather to help me understand my part in it. Perhaps more importantly, what is not my part It is often suggested to put off any major life altering decisions until you've been in the program for at least 6 months. This is so you can recover yourself enough to make a good decision for you that is healthy for you and not based in your own alcoholism affected thinking.
I cannot thank you all enough for you amazing stories and words of wisdom. And so quickly! Gotta love the internet age. I agree that no major changes should be made for several months. I'm just wondering what to do when she returns from rehab. No threats like, "if you drink again, I'm out" right? Maybe I'm supposed to be more aloof? "You work your program and I'm gonna work mine. You'll do what you do. I have no part in it." Something like that?
I'll continue to go to Al-anon meetings. I didn't know that I was right for it because I never grew up around alcoholism and I don't tend to attract such people. And I wouldn't gravitate towards another alcoholic should this marriage ever end. But I see that Alanon is for me regardless. I'll keep coming here too since you've all been so great.
Aloha McPhunny ... again...still. LOL I will never not be in the program since it saved my life. One of the thousands (yes thousands) of things I learned in program is "don't project and don't fortune tell). The sign I am doing that is when I start wondering what I will do or not do in the future...like when she got out of rehab. We learn to live in the moment or what am I doing right now.
In time you will learn more which will be invaluable to you. Keep what you already have gotten close to heart and success in your face to face meetings.
Let me say glad you are here. You are already aware you are welcome. We all have something in common.....we are all effected by someone else's drinking. There will be ups and downs living in this disease....but this program when applied to your everyday life makes it soooo much easier. You have taken the right steps and certainly have a great attitude. Most of all you are not alone anymore. That was more important than I could ever realize 4 years ago when I came into the program. f2f meetings along with coming to MIP daily has changed my life. This program will show you how to stay sane while living with the alcoholic in your life, you will also come to realize it works in all your affairs.
By attending meetings and working your program you will be able to get off that roller coaster ride you have been on. I stayed on it for way to many years before I found Al-Anon........I was tired of the train (alcoholism) continuing to run over me. This program gave me the tools so I no longer stand in the middle of the track. I now stand off to the side of the tracks (we call that detaching) and take care of myself first. That's what the program tells us to do. We have to change. We have to "unlearn" all the things we were doing that didn't work anyway.
My wife is still an active alcoholic. I have no control over her drinking. I do have control over me.
My suggestion to you is to jump into the program....accept it....don't question it.....take it at face value. That's what I did four years ago, because I wanted what those members with smiling faces had the first night I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. They were willing to give back to me what the program had given them. I will forever be grateful to them and the members of this board....they saved my sanity.
Keep coming back, HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 20th of July 2010 11:21:39 PM
How do you act when she gets home ? enjoy sobriety ,don't watch her every move don't try and work her program or tell he what she should be doing and ask her to give u the same courtesy ..If you love her tell her so , expect nothing its only important that u speak up . don't walk on egg shells ,your not the reason she drank and you wont be the reason she slips if that should happen. Keep your expectations low sometimes all an alcoholic can do is NOT drink we only have to do life one day at a time just make the most out of each day enjoy !!! DON'T MISS THE GOOD DAYS worrying about what if's and learn to let go of the past . talk it out with program friends once we take responsibiltiy for our part in the mess the anger lessons and compassion begins .
You don't sound ridiculous at all. I think besides coming here and meetings if you wish to attend them it would be a great start to read some literature like "the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage" I just read the book yesterday and it helped me. The chat room is great too in my opinion.
First addiction is a disease. It is in a persons dna.
What do you say when a person comes home from the hospital, they have cancer. Do you say, well is it going to metastize again?
Or a diabetic, are you going to suffer low blood sugar again?
She is a very, very sick person. It is not a character flaw, or someone with no will power, or someone who does not care. OR wants to have marriage problems or lie, wreck the car, get into financial ruin.
We all learn this in Al Anon. I was in your shoes about ten years ago. No one in my family even smoked.
Most people cannot live with an addict. The disease makes us sick, they get sicker, it is not cureable.
It was very hard for many of us to leave as we made vows when we got married, in sickness and health.
They are very sick.
We come to Al Anon to hopefully find some clarity, some answers.
Mr. Phunny, it is a huge blow to find out all these truths, then it is up to us if we can learn and bare to stay, or if we leave.
I chose to stay, but the disease took him away. hugs,love,debilyn
Welcome to the MIP family. Lots of good responses here. Like you, I did not grow up in an alcoholic family. I had aunts & uncles who were but I didn't have that much contact with them.
I found that I needed Alanon even more when my Tim got out of rehab. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an alcoholic relationship are different. I knew him in college when he wasn't drinking. (He was a late blooming A.) It was like I had the man I fell in love with back in my life. However, a whole new set of issues opened up for us. I was confused, I though we would go back to the way we were. NOT! He was a changed man. I had to learn how to adapt to that. I had to change.
The best way I could support him was by working on my recovery and staying out of his. Like Abbyal said tell her you love her. I always said that I loved my Tim not the disease. Please keep coming back to us. You're doing great. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery Not to do for others what they can do for themselves Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit Not to cover up for anothers mistakes or misdeeds Not to create a crisis Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the alcoholics in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.
this prog works drinking or not .please dont stop now keep going and get to know the real you , we had a part in this mess like it or not ..alcoholism has so many nasty side affects and they dont go away when the drinking stops , every one has to change not just the alcoholic .. good luck
