The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I haven't posted in awhile - but I still read as much as I can and am going to f2f meetings when I am in town.
I asked my exAB for one month of no contact after dating for over a year - off and on. He is a binger and can go for long periods of time without any alcohol/drugs but when he starts he goes for awhile. It's pretty bad. I believed that if I waited long enough - he would actually stop the cycle (you know). I finally reached the end of my rope when I was in the middle of a horrible personal crisis and realized that he cannot be available to me in any way.
I haven't heard from him for four months. I don't drive on his side of town - even though I am tempted to at times...just hoping that I might see him. I am still sad. It's still really hard - not every day - but it hits me when I least expect it.
I do run into a couple of people every once in awhile that know how he is doing. And so far he has been clean now for almost 5 months!
I started counseling 6 weeks ago - to deal with why I tend to end up with men who are unable to be present to me (along with other things) and my counselor is really having me focus on my relationship with him. What makes me angry. What makes me sad. What I long for.
I'm not angry. Yet. I am just sad. If I am angry - then it is at my HP (who I call God) for letting me down (I realize this isn't realistic - I'm just being honest).
I can't wait for the day that I see a car like his and don't hope it is him. Or look for a note on my car while I'm at work.
I haven't started my steps yet because I don't have a sponsor - so I know that's what I've got to do next. I just don't know when it will happen because I travel so much for my job. But it is going to!!!
It is good to see you back again as well. Glad you have sought help with a counselor and are still attending your face to face meetings.
It sounds as if you did take care of yourself in this last relationship and the pain of loss is still there.
I too was angry with my HP for a time when My will was not granted and I suffered a huge loss as well. My HP is strong enough to withstand my anger and we are now back to a working partnership.
sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself. I can't think of a more emotionally unavailble person than an alcholic or an addict. Thats the nature of the disease. Booze will always come first and foremost. You said he is clean 5 months which is great but big difference in being clean and being in recovery. If he isn't in recovery, working the steps, learning to change all the behaviors that come with being an alcholic than you have the same person on your hands just without the alchohol. We too have to change our behavors in order to grow and learn heathier coping tools. I can only say that Alanon has been my saving grace amongst all the choas of living with this disease ( my son is an A ). Blessings to you
hello , Don't be angry at God , someone told me when I was where u are at right now , that God gave man free will and some of us dont do well with that ,your b/f is responsible for the choices he makes ,then she told me that my life was a gift from God , living it to the fullest is my gift to Him. Take care of you and u will be okay regardless of what he does . Keep looking for a sponsor she will turn up eventually . Louise
I'd really recommend reading Getting them Sober. I think that book gives a very realistic picture of early sobriety (their minds do not clear for 2 years or more).
I also think it helps to really review expectations. My expectations of the ex A were absolutely magical. He was never capable of meeting any of them. He alluded to that he could but he never had and may never do it.
I found that not speaking to the ex a had to be a one day at a time process. I have not laid eyes on him for more than a few years now. I make a huge point of not bumping into anyone who knows him. When I have had phone calls about him I have not enquired. The less I know the better. The less I can obsess, fume and magnify.
I don't doubt for one minute his addiction progressed and since it was already stage 3 I don't need to know where it went after that.
I'm so glad you are here and reaching out. Al anon is a wonderful place to learn tools and reframe our thinking.
Aloha Speck and good to hear from you and your positive experiences. "You get what you work for" is what I learned early on. You can get so much more when you follow thru with how the rest of the fellowship does it. You are aware that you are where you're at by choice. Sometimes that sucks but it's solvable by choice.
Reread your post and you can easily see the picture of what "we" are addicted to irregardless of what they are.
Good to hear from you again. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
I broke up with my A over a month now and after pledging with him so many times about no contact, he finally stops calling me (although it has only been a week). I have been crazy about not being able to know how he is in the past week so I admire you so much that you have reached so far. Four months, brave job. I am glad that you posted your story here as I got very wobbly recently and although they all say one day at a time, I more feel like one hour at a time.
Keep coming back, Speck, we will walk through these eventually. In the meantime, you don't need to be alone, our situations are all similar here and there, we are here to care about you and love you no matter how fast or how slow your pace to recovery is.
It made me reflect on my own situation. My AH is 8 months clean. However, not really working a program. He goes to AA sporadically (court-ordered) He panicked about a lot of things going on right now and moved out of our home on Friday while I was at work (I didn't know he had planned this). He is now living in an apartment.
I'm really struggling focusing on myself and taking care of myself throughout this. We're still talking all of the time. But, I really feel like maybe I shouldn't communicate with him, that I'm being weak and pathetic for doing so. He says he just needs some time alone to focus on his recovery and finally start working the program. I just don't understand any of it, and thinks he should come back home.
I do have that book - Getting Them Sober. I probably should read it :)
Anyway, all that is to say keep your head up. We all struggle - thank God we have support to help us up whenever we need it. Sounds like you're on the right track though. I feel your pain, for sure.
I do have "Getting them Sober" - I bought it the first week I signed up for MIP. Grin.
I can't tell you all how thankful I am for this board - I feel like the people in my day to day life think I am or should be over my exAB - I don't talk about him much and I haven't seen him. But it is still such a constant thing. So many of them just don't understand!
I do need a sponsor - I know that it will help me start working my own program. I do have a book I bought at one of my f2f meeting so that I can start processing my steps but I haven't made them a priority.
I don't know if my exAB is working his program. I pray that he is for his sake. I haven't been able to hand him over to my HP because again I am struggling with trusting my HP.
